When i was younger, a lot younger. I went through quite a bad patch health wise. I have my mothers blood in me, and she was a fighter. Im much the same and dont give into anything if I can help it. But i would come back from school and I would not be able to move, I was so tired. I would be in so much pain and discomfort that I would spend my weekends infront of the tv wrapped in a quilt. And i felt like such a FAKER. I mean if i tell you how I would feel, and the reasons behind it...id just feel like a looser. Of course it was theorised that due an illness i had in childhood, every now and again my system would collapse under itself
Now, years later, and I feel the same. Unfortunatly due to a colapsed tooth and exposed nerve im in pretty much constant agony. So to combat this I am on codeine and Im 90% sure im adicted to that....cos lets face it going through half a pack a day...not great
My eczema has flared up, and i know that whenever i tell people this they think i have a little rash on my knee. In actual fact it means i have open cuts all over my body and my skin likes to tighten to the point where i cant move without it splitting or tearing. The reason my skin flares up like this is because my imune system decides to fight itself. So that means i have no energy at all, my joints ache and burn, as do my lymph nodes, searing headaches (even through the fucking codeine) and to top it off im having more hot flushes than a GILF
So at the moment im a FUCKING NIGHTMARE to be around, I look shit, i feel shit im snappy as all hell and dreading it because i KNOW its going to get worse....all i want to do is hide in a duvet and not speak to anyone...is that too much to ask?
I write this in the hope that I dont keep needing to explain myself again and again
Saturday 5 November 2011
Tuesday 20 September 2011
All too often we see the worst in people. We are trained to from an early age, don't talk to strangers never accept sweets from those you don't know... And NEVER go near that man with his hands down his trousers! Ok I still stick by that last one, but the others? If I never talked to strangers I wouldn't have the amount of stories that arnt repeatable within polite circles, or friends who to be fair I shouldn't take to polite circles.
I read the metro, and after the pages about war, terrorism, pestilence, protests and dodgy shaped veg there is a small section called the good deed feed. It's a tiny little section but is one that will help you belive that humanity is not lost.
I mention all this because it seems to me that we are to afraid of everyone. If a stranger comes up and talks to us we are either going to be stabbed or be wierded out by the conversation. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just have random conversations with strangers without feeling that we will be judged by the other person as a drugged up psycho (to be fair the last person who uttered something similar to me then wanted to know what socks I used to wear to school and proceeded to stalk me....aaah jimmy the sock... Soo yeah mebbe choose who you speak to carefully
I read the metro, and after the pages about war, terrorism, pestilence, protests and dodgy shaped veg there is a small section called the good deed feed. It's a tiny little section but is one that will help you belive that humanity is not lost.
I mention all this because it seems to me that we are to afraid of everyone. If a stranger comes up and talks to us we are either going to be stabbed or be wierded out by the conversation. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just have random conversations with strangers without feeling that we will be judged by the other person as a drugged up psycho (to be fair the last person who uttered something similar to me then wanted to know what socks I used to wear to school and proceeded to stalk me....aaah jimmy the sock... Soo yeah mebbe choose who you speak to carefully
Monday 19 September 2011
Old post
Life has been full of ups and downs recently. Soooo let's cover the ups first.
I got to see ben for a suprise visit. Seeing his shocked face was sweet and it was lovely to see him again. We didn't do much but it felt like we were a family. And as we sat there in the car watching the surf...I think we were all happy and very content.
We celibrated our one year anniversary, admitadly we were appart for it but it was nice to have a day where we could go "fuck you" to all those people who thought that poly relationships can't work...1 year on and still goin strong.
Unfortunaly my own hunt for a pet hasn't gone so well... One person I like seems to get I'll everytime we make a date, cocktail boy is away so will be back to square one when he gets back and I can't even pull in a sex club just wearing a latex singlet....which I think is the saddest point. I have also found that every other boy I meet reminds me of where I should be in life....
On the other hand I'm very much in love
I got to see ben for a suprise visit. Seeing his shocked face was sweet and it was lovely to see him again. We didn't do much but it felt like we were a family. And as we sat there in the car watching the surf...I think we were all happy and very content.
We celibrated our one year anniversary, admitadly we were appart for it but it was nice to have a day where we could go "fuck you" to all those people who thought that poly relationships can't work...1 year on and still goin strong.
Unfortunaly my own hunt for a pet hasn't gone so well... One person I like seems to get I'll everytime we make a date, cocktail boy is away so will be back to square one when he gets back and I can't even pull in a sex club just wearing a latex singlet....which I think is the saddest point. I have also found that every other boy I meet reminds me of where I should be in life....
On the other hand I'm very much in love
A fresh start
I haven't blogged in a while. Not due to any grand decisions but more due to a lack of anything to say. That and the fact I can't type on my iPhone and listen to spotify.
So after that what have I got to say...errr
I started this blog as a cathartic excercise and one that will hopefully make a few of you laugh. It's a place I can organise my thoughts and arrange my ideas before actually having to do anything about it in the real world. Now there is just one problem with this, chances are if there is something I need to mull over, stratagise or generally think about....the cause is likely to be a reader of my blog -.- a victim of my own success it seems
I seem to have worked out that things haven't been really working for me. I have been living my life through the Internet, as I have done for years...and it's not healthy...so now I'm trying to find hobbies to meet ppl and make friends. Were moving flats soon and this will be a total fresh start for me
So after that what have I got to say...errr
I started this blog as a cathartic excercise and one that will hopefully make a few of you laugh. It's a place I can organise my thoughts and arrange my ideas before actually having to do anything about it in the real world. Now there is just one problem with this, chances are if there is something I need to mull over, stratagise or generally think about....the cause is likely to be a reader of my blog -.- a victim of my own success it seems
I seem to have worked out that things haven't been really working for me. I have been living my life through the Internet, as I have done for years...and it's not healthy...so now I'm trying to find hobbies to meet ppl and make friends. Were moving flats soon and this will be a total fresh start for me
Monday 1 August 2011
An ode to the ex
One of my exes stayed over last night. As always he was quiet around me and unfortunatly thought I was sleighting him.
The funny thing is, I actually think of him mist days and think of him fondly..I'll explain why later.
I don't thi j I have ever thanked him, at least notfor the important things.
I have always been the one to make gestures, to take somone for a meal as a date to just try and show my feelings.
I remember traveling to London, it had snowed and this was the last plane, I was stressed because I had lost my wallet and had no cash. The VERY nice man on the Gateick Express had let me get on without charging me and I had gotten to Victoria. In the mean time I had found out that this X was waiting for me. From victoria I had dragged my case through 6 inches of snow to the London Eye...which wasn't fun. And there he was, one of the most beautiful sites I have seen.
Picture this it's winter the southbank is covered in a perfect blanket of snow, with only 2 sets of tracks marinh it's surface. Everywhere is deserted, Christmas lights are still up. And there under the eye, he's waiting. He has long streaked hair and a beard (only person with a beard I have found attractive) and the snow is catching in his hair. He's dressed up, waistcoat long jacket doc martins, and has that goofy smile. He's holding a single red rose.
Ok so flowers not my thing but that must have been one of the most romantic things I have ever had done for me.
The reason I think of him most days is because of a poster outside the coffee room at work. It's a signed poster from a certain production of Othello...which was the first propper date I went on...oh and it was fun
So while he may think I look back with terror in actual fact I wish I had thanked him for caring so much and making my move to London that little less scarey
The funny thing is, I actually think of him mist days and think of him fondly..I'll explain why later.
I don't thi j I have ever thanked him, at least notfor the important things.
I have always been the one to make gestures, to take somone for a meal as a date to just try and show my feelings.
I remember traveling to London, it had snowed and this was the last plane, I was stressed because I had lost my wallet and had no cash. The VERY nice man on the Gateick Express had let me get on without charging me and I had gotten to Victoria. In the mean time I had found out that this X was waiting for me. From victoria I had dragged my case through 6 inches of snow to the London Eye...which wasn't fun. And there he was, one of the most beautiful sites I have seen.
Picture this it's winter the southbank is covered in a perfect blanket of snow, with only 2 sets of tracks marinh it's surface. Everywhere is deserted, Christmas lights are still up. And there under the eye, he's waiting. He has long streaked hair and a beard (only person with a beard I have found attractive) and the snow is catching in his hair. He's dressed up, waistcoat long jacket doc martins, and has that goofy smile. He's holding a single red rose.
Ok so flowers not my thing but that must have been one of the most romantic things I have ever had done for me.
The reason I think of him most days is because of a poster outside the coffee room at work. It's a signed poster from a certain production of Othello...which was the first propper date I went on...oh and it was fun
So while he may think I look back with terror in actual fact I wish I had thanked him for caring so much and making my move to London that little less scarey
Tuesday 28 June 2011
A grain of trust
So I've been seeing a lot of one guy recently...cocktail guy. We have met a few times chatted and txted a lot...and I see something in him. Yes he's bold camp so overtly confident, but there is something timid and shy that needs love and nurturing and you all know how much i like doing that. Although I do get the feeling he has the wrong idea about me.
I invited him to mine to sit in the sun and have a drink which he kept saying no to... I asked him why and he said in a deadly serious voice that he thought I may get him drunk then use that to my advantage. You could see the look of somone that had been hurt before...but even when I had assured him that's very far from the truth (if only he knew how shy sexually I am he may understand) he was and prolly is still warey. While I know it's not my failt it still kinda hurt, I think I'm very trustworthy and I think I demonstrate that...
Mind you between that and a few other things it kinda makes me want to look after him more, I think he could be quite special...all I need is that grain of trust
I invited him to mine to sit in the sun and have a drink which he kept saying no to... I asked him why and he said in a deadly serious voice that he thought I may get him drunk then use that to my advantage. You could see the look of somone that had been hurt before...but even when I had assured him that's very far from the truth (if only he knew how shy sexually I am he may understand) he was and prolly is still warey. While I know it's not my failt it still kinda hurt, I think I'm very trustworthy and I think I demonstrate that...
Mind you between that and a few other things it kinda makes me want to look after him more, I think he could be quite special...all I need is that grain of trust
Sunday 26 June 2011
Happy Bday Me
So today was my bday, lets get the good out of the way. My best friend..well kinda best friend and my bf took me out to lunch. We ate 120 quids worth (we didnt pay that mind) of dim sum and I would have kept going if it wasnt for the fact that service went down hill...I think they got fed up of bringing me Har Kau
Seany made sure that he made a fuss of me, he made sure I knew he loved me and. I hadnt seen Eddie in ages, and it was great to see him too...all in all it was nice just to spend time with them and I really appreciated the fact they re-arranged their day and their work so they could see me.
Oh and the birthday wheat free parsnip and caramel cake was AMAZING
Now onto the not so great side. I decided after lunch to go back and change, I was dripping after walking round London in the heat...so headed back. The flatmates still hadnt told me about the party I knew they were having (incase you hadnt read yesterdays post, flatmates bday is next week, he decided to have his party on the same day as my bday, hasnt told me or invited me) Im confronted by a group of people that I used to think of as friends around the time i was involved with the "club".
Its like a comedy sketch, I walk in, and they turn round with the look of "wtf is he doing here". I say hello to all of them and they ignore me...I have never felt so unwelcome in my own flat. I have no wish to stay around at somones party when im not invited, when the people who are organising it dont want me to be a part of it.
Now i have always had a thing about my personal space. It stems from the times when I had lots of secrets to hold, and my parents would rifle though my bed room. So having them doing that multiple times, and it NEVER lead to anythign good. So this means I HATE having somone in my bedroom when im not there, or when I havent said they can go in. Im also a neat freak, you wouldnt know it but I am..especially with my bedroom. So when I go to change, and I find that EVERYTHING thats in the living room has been shoved in my bedroom, not in a tidy way but just dropped in...including my bday cake that was in the kitchen...I wanted to kill ppl
Small mercy, my exe would have been there, and I looked good...so meh. But now unfortunatly I have no one to spend the rest of the day with, and need to get out of the flat. I wander round town as much as i can, I sit in Canary Wharf park which might just be the most beautiful park I have ever seen...I am so going back there.
But then I have to come back, and I do it just as my ex is leaving (he didnt see me) and again, I have the "why is he here" look...I want to move
Seany made sure that he made a fuss of me, he made sure I knew he loved me and. I hadnt seen Eddie in ages, and it was great to see him too...all in all it was nice just to spend time with them and I really appreciated the fact they re-arranged their day and their work so they could see me.
Oh and the birthday wheat free parsnip and caramel cake was AMAZING
Now onto the not so great side. I decided after lunch to go back and change, I was dripping after walking round London in the heat...so headed back. The flatmates still hadnt told me about the party I knew they were having (incase you hadnt read yesterdays post, flatmates bday is next week, he decided to have his party on the same day as my bday, hasnt told me or invited me) Im confronted by a group of people that I used to think of as friends around the time i was involved with the "club".
Its like a comedy sketch, I walk in, and they turn round with the look of "wtf is he doing here". I say hello to all of them and they ignore me...I have never felt so unwelcome in my own flat. I have no wish to stay around at somones party when im not invited, when the people who are organising it dont want me to be a part of it.
Now i have always had a thing about my personal space. It stems from the times when I had lots of secrets to hold, and my parents would rifle though my bed room. So having them doing that multiple times, and it NEVER lead to anythign good. So this means I HATE having somone in my bedroom when im not there, or when I havent said they can go in. Im also a neat freak, you wouldnt know it but I am..especially with my bedroom. So when I go to change, and I find that EVERYTHING thats in the living room has been shoved in my bedroom, not in a tidy way but just dropped in...including my bday cake that was in the kitchen...I wanted to kill ppl
Small mercy, my exe would have been there, and I looked good...so meh. But now unfortunatly I have no one to spend the rest of the day with, and need to get out of the flat. I wander round town as much as i can, I sit in Canary Wharf park which might just be the most beautiful park I have ever seen...I am so going back there.
But then I have to come back, and I do it just as my ex is leaving (he didnt see me) and again, I have the "why is he here" look...I want to move
Saturday 25 June 2011
Emotional rollar coaster
So today has been s bit of a strange one. Last night the boy and I went for drinks with a cute lad I'd met before (cocktail guy) we all had a great time, and both of us were trying to entice him back to the flat...we didn't manage it but it was great and affirming to see just how comfortable we are in our relationship. Seany and I came back and we started talking, it was then that I could see how much effort he had put into me having a good bday. I'm on the train back from borough Market where he bought my first ever bday cake. The boy has definitly learnt it's the little things that matter to me. What really touched me was I have 4 cards today one from him mum..which made me, well melt
However on the way out of the flat I noticed a new BBQ and a bag full of stuff for it. It's only then that I learnt my flatmate (who's bday is a week after mine) has decided to not only have his bday party on my actual bday but nit only not suggest a joint party...he's just decided not to tell me...again I have no frame of reference but something in me says it's fairly rude to do that. I honestly hope to god they don't get me anything for mine as I know they would resent getting me one.
At borough Market (while fiercely cursing the mates) I couldn't help being reminded of Jersey, things like king scallops which I used to pot for brought back memories and then I walked past a scrumpy stall...and then noticed the Burley sign.
Each year we used to go to Hampshire. We would always drive through Burley where we would wander round buy fudge and cider and have a picknick. On one of the times we bought wine a beautiful elderflower wine, and this I spotted at the stall...allong with the minatures I used to buy. I bought one and had a taste of the scrumpy and that was it...all I could think of was them and I had to hold back the tears. I went and bought another bottle to send them, I can't face talking to them but they will know who sent it and know I'm alive.
The worrying thing is I wanna call them and tell them I'm engaged and so in love and happy.
However on the way out of the flat I noticed a new BBQ and a bag full of stuff for it. It's only then that I learnt my flatmate (who's bday is a week after mine) has decided to not only have his bday party on my actual bday but nit only not suggest a joint party...he's just decided not to tell me...again I have no frame of reference but something in me says it's fairly rude to do that. I honestly hope to god they don't get me anything for mine as I know they would resent getting me one.
At borough Market (while fiercely cursing the mates) I couldn't help being reminded of Jersey, things like king scallops which I used to pot for brought back memories and then I walked past a scrumpy stall...and then noticed the Burley sign.
Each year we used to go to Hampshire. We would always drive through Burley where we would wander round buy fudge and cider and have a picknick. On one of the times we bought wine a beautiful elderflower wine, and this I spotted at the stall...allong with the minatures I used to buy. I bought one and had a taste of the scrumpy and that was it...all I could think of was them and I had to hold back the tears. I went and bought another bottle to send them, I can't face talking to them but they will know who sent it and know I'm alive.
The worrying thing is I wanna call them and tell them I'm engaged and so in love and happy.
Thursday 23 June 2011
Great success
Success! I met somone off grindr. We had started chatting about kink and meeting up for sex...but then we met up for drinks...and I remembered
I remembered what it felt like to go to a cocktail bar after work, to meet an adult, recline in a leather chair and drink things with too many ingridients that took too long to make...and it felt good.
The only places I miss from jersey are 1 beach, 1 cafe, 2 resteraunts and about 5 bars... 2 of them being amazing cocktail places.
Nick, the person I met with...I think he started out trying to impress me to cover his shyness, but I don't impress easily especially when somone is TRYING to impress me...shame he came off as a toff ( ;) )
Luckily he warmed up, and a lovely charming and sweet personality. Thank god for meeting new ppl, them turning up and not being a psyco!
I remembered what it felt like to go to a cocktail bar after work, to meet an adult, recline in a leather chair and drink things with too many ingridients that took too long to make...and it felt good.
The only places I miss from jersey are 1 beach, 1 cafe, 2 resteraunts and about 5 bars... 2 of them being amazing cocktail places.
Nick, the person I met with...I think he started out trying to impress me to cover his shyness, but I don't impress easily especially when somone is TRYING to impress me...shame he came off as a toff ( ;) )
Luckily he warmed up, and a lovely charming and sweet personality. Thank god for meeting new ppl, them turning up and not being a psyco!
Birthday
I feel the same way about my birthday as I do about getting my test results back from the hospital...with a sense of gritting my teeth, steeley determination and the phrase "right let's be having ya" bouncing around inside my brain.
Seanys not off for it, so will prolly spend the day wandering round Westfield with my kinda best friend...
Seanys not off for it, so will prolly spend the day wandering round Westfield with my kinda best friend...
Thursday 16 June 2011
Today will be a moany day I think. Look outside see what weather we are having in London and know that mirrors my mood.
Last might I felt truly fucked over by a multitude of people...it would take too long to go into but suffice to say...with potential pets I demand (and I don't think this is a bad thing) loyalty and honesty, and I make this clear. I will admit I am a jealous person, and so if either of those are broken...I'm not likely to forgive easily. Also anyone who knows me knows I'm ..well I can suprise people, if they had talked to me and been honest I prolly would have understood and helped...oh well
Also another person owes me and Seany £170 he's unemployed and too broke to pay it back...but supprisingly had games and kink gear delivered yesterday....
And now to finish this circle, look at the fucking weather, and I have no brolly..I look a fucking mess. My hair is both curly and straight, my shirt creased and my trousers soaked...
On the up side my Seany is back from Leeds, and I don't think I could have missed him more. I love there is somone who's entire body i know and turns me on...coupled with somone who actually knows how my mind works (only one other of those, and they don't turn me on). Every previous relationship seems a joke...but at least I know what they should be like now
Last might I felt truly fucked over by a multitude of people...it would take too long to go into but suffice to say...with potential pets I demand (and I don't think this is a bad thing) loyalty and honesty, and I make this clear. I will admit I am a jealous person, and so if either of those are broken...I'm not likely to forgive easily. Also anyone who knows me knows I'm ..well I can suprise people, if they had talked to me and been honest I prolly would have understood and helped...oh well
Also another person owes me and Seany £170 he's unemployed and too broke to pay it back...but supprisingly had games and kink gear delivered yesterday....
And now to finish this circle, look at the fucking weather, and I have no brolly..I look a fucking mess. My hair is both curly and straight, my shirt creased and my trousers soaked...
On the up side my Seany is back from Leeds, and I don't think I could have missed him more. I love there is somone who's entire body i know and turns me on...coupled with somone who actually knows how my mind works (only one other of those, and they don't turn me on). Every previous relationship seems a joke...but at least I know what they should be like now
Wednesday 15 June 2011
So today I was going to bitch and moan, it's my time of the month and constant shit seems to be happening. I'm becoming disheartened with things tired and annoyed.
However in the past 10 mins something happened. While having a cig with a friend of mine she let slip I had been the subject of discussion last nigh at a work night. I am always me I don't put on faces and try no to hide behinds masks and it seems it has been recognised. I found it lovely to hear hthat yes while people didn't know how to deal with me they now see that is me... I haven't changed. To hear somone who I didn't think got me say how they thought I had a heart of gold and wouldn't say a bad thing about anyone was lovely and made me grin.
Katie also asked about Seany if he minded me going off to other places and going out without him, she knew we have an open relationship of sorts. She asked if that had stopped..after being told how honest it was...well I told her I'm polyamourous..."so what there are 4 people in a relationship?" no...3
In her credit she just accepted it, asked who the third was and smiled (you could see in her mind going...right hold on a mo...ok it's Joel makes sense). I'm lucky to have people like that who while she may not understand it knows I wouldn't do anything behind anyones back, and will only look out for people.
I think I'd like my eppitaph to say..."He tried to help everyone, and even succeded with a few"...which is better than my previous idea of "He always knew he would die this way, impaled on a catapult driven narwhale" or "Hoped he wouldn't cause the appocalypse but knew he might"
However in the past 10 mins something happened. While having a cig with a friend of mine she let slip I had been the subject of discussion last nigh at a work night. I am always me I don't put on faces and try no to hide behinds masks and it seems it has been recognised. I found it lovely to hear hthat yes while people didn't know how to deal with me they now see that is me... I haven't changed. To hear somone who I didn't think got me say how they thought I had a heart of gold and wouldn't say a bad thing about anyone was lovely and made me grin.
Katie also asked about Seany if he minded me going off to other places and going out without him, she knew we have an open relationship of sorts. She asked if that had stopped..after being told how honest it was...well I told her I'm polyamourous..."so what there are 4 people in a relationship?" no...3
In her credit she just accepted it, asked who the third was and smiled (you could see in her mind going...right hold on a mo...ok it's Joel makes sense). I'm lucky to have people like that who while she may not understand it knows I wouldn't do anything behind anyones back, and will only look out for people.
I think I'd like my eppitaph to say..."He tried to help everyone, and even succeded with a few"...which is better than my previous idea of "He always knew he would die this way, impaled on a catapult driven narwhale" or "Hoped he wouldn't cause the appocalypse but knew he might"
Tuesday 14 June 2011
Seany went back up to Leeds yesterday (to visit family, he hasn't finally seen the light and left me) and won't be around until friday. By some stroke of luck both of the flatmates were out too, so I had a free house..for once (hurrah)
Do you think I could get ANYONE around? No, no I couldn't. Not even a friend to watch a film...no one. I think fate likes to conspire against me. I find that there will be a series of events that go to plan but I will fall at the final hurdle... Normally when it comes to involve others
I'm planning on going to BBB in a few days, planning to meet a few guys there...who wants to bet none will turn up?
Also I hate sleeping alone, I woke up at 4 to check if he was there
Do you think I could get ANYONE around? No, no I couldn't. Not even a friend to watch a film...no one. I think fate likes to conspire against me. I find that there will be a series of events that go to plan but I will fall at the final hurdle... Normally when it comes to involve others
I'm planning on going to BBB in a few days, planning to meet a few guys there...who wants to bet none will turn up?
Also I hate sleeping alone, I woke up at 4 to check if he was there
Monday 13 June 2011
Blank post lol
Today I feel like blogging about... (waits for inspiration)
Lord i dunno....there are 14 men in the tube carriage I'm in and none of them are attractive. Yesterday while out with Seany on the tube we spotted the most beautiful boy, can't have been older than 18...Swedish I think blond blue eyed with a perfect smile. He kept looking and smiling at us. Now Seany and I are both fairly confident we have to be with both our work and personal lives...but we couldn't go and say hi...we just couldn't
All I wanted to do was write my name and number on some paper walk over smile and say "hi I'm Joel, I think your really cute...gimme a call sometime"...while not forgetting to give him my number. But I couldn't my heartbeat doubled and I felt like I was gonna be sick at the thought of it. The funniest thought that went through my head was god I'd hate it if I tried to give me my number...god get some self confidence!
So next time, even though I doubt I will see somone as drop dead gorgeous as him (appart from Seany of course) I will try and view it like abseiling...scary as fuck, I could fall from a grey height onto my face...but I will probably feel elated once I've done it and if it pays off...
Ps. Fuck I've just changed for the bakerloo line and I've just left my brolly on the central grr
On another note, I find a gay racist saying he gets it from his parents ironic...mine are homophobic
Lord i dunno....there are 14 men in the tube carriage I'm in and none of them are attractive. Yesterday while out with Seany on the tube we spotted the most beautiful boy, can't have been older than 18...Swedish I think blond blue eyed with a perfect smile. He kept looking and smiling at us. Now Seany and I are both fairly confident we have to be with both our work and personal lives...but we couldn't go and say hi...we just couldn't
All I wanted to do was write my name and number on some paper walk over smile and say "hi I'm Joel, I think your really cute...gimme a call sometime"...while not forgetting to give him my number. But I couldn't my heartbeat doubled and I felt like I was gonna be sick at the thought of it. The funniest thought that went through my head was god I'd hate it if I tried to give me my number...god get some self confidence!
So next time, even though I doubt I will see somone as drop dead gorgeous as him (appart from Seany of course) I will try and view it like abseiling...scary as fuck, I could fall from a grey height onto my face...but I will probably feel elated once I've done it and if it pays off...
Ps. Fuck I've just changed for the bakerloo line and I've just left my brolly on the central grr
On another note, I find a gay racist saying he gets it from his parents ironic...mine are homophobic
One day late
So after yesterday I have decided to cut my losses. It doesn't seem to be going anywhere, maybe there was the spark and now he's too busy...or maybe not, either way meh
Instead as seems to happen to me more and more lately people who I have spoken to months ago have started to show interest. In true bus style not one but 3 people have shown interest. Two who I had spoken to for some time and one person. All 3 seemed to have had the wrong idea about slavery, one showing particular trepidation.
While I can only hope it works out with all 3 (whaaaat I'm greedy) if nothing else I may be able to help guide them to what they want and release them from some taboos. With each of these I have seen something special, something they could be cultivated
We shall just have to see how good I am
Instead as seems to happen to me more and more lately people who I have spoken to months ago have started to show interest. In true bus style not one but 3 people have shown interest. Two who I had spoken to for some time and one person. All 3 seemed to have had the wrong idea about slavery, one showing particular trepidation.
While I can only hope it works out with all 3 (whaaaat I'm greedy) if nothing else I may be able to help guide them to what they want and release them from some taboos. With each of these I have seen something special, something they could be cultivated
We shall just have to see how good I am
Friday 10 June 2011
Meh
Because I worked Sunday, I have today off, by some miricle Seany also has today off. Its been nice to have a nice day together, playing games and chatting . We havent had much time together and so its nice to be able to kinda refresh and do the couply things Ive missed.
However I had (before I knew seany was going to be off) arranged to go and see the boy I liked. This is the person who I met and there was that instant spark, and he was saying he felt it too. There was the connection I had been looking for for ages (btw if people dont understand why im seeing another boy while engaged to Seany...look up my posts about poly). Now for the first week of chatting we were texting constnatly all the time. Now, well, there are suddenly fewer txts...a lot fewer...and now im not sure what to do. Anyway we had arranged to meet and i sent a txt yesterday saying...well are we doing anything...if so what..and I got nothing back...3 txts later and a msg on Grindr i get a message saying I dont think we can meet. WONDERFUL.
I think what people who do this dont realise...I may like to make plans, if you cant meet FINE im a big boy I can handle that...JUST TELL ME so I can work out what to do instead.
Unfortunatly this also means that I think I need to give up on this boy, which is a shame as he did tick all the boxes of what I needed, and I him. So now I either need to make a choice as to whether to start again or to bother. I have gone through all the normal things of clubs and most sites...and ive had terrible luck, things like this just keep happening.
So...what do I do?
In the meantime im becoming fairly jaded about the whole thing..being let down that much will do that to you. whenever I meet somone who is cute I will imediatly think...oh they say they like me...but...we all know whats going to happen.
SO im going to try and enjoy my days with Seany, and try and not think about it...but anyone who knows me knows I need this so much that thats not going to work that well...oh well
However I had (before I knew seany was going to be off) arranged to go and see the boy I liked. This is the person who I met and there was that instant spark, and he was saying he felt it too. There was the connection I had been looking for for ages (btw if people dont understand why im seeing another boy while engaged to Seany...look up my posts about poly). Now for the first week of chatting we were texting constnatly all the time. Now, well, there are suddenly fewer txts...a lot fewer...and now im not sure what to do. Anyway we had arranged to meet and i sent a txt yesterday saying...well are we doing anything...if so what..and I got nothing back...3 txts later and a msg on Grindr i get a message saying I dont think we can meet. WONDERFUL.
I think what people who do this dont realise...I may like to make plans, if you cant meet FINE im a big boy I can handle that...JUST TELL ME so I can work out what to do instead.
Unfortunatly this also means that I think I need to give up on this boy, which is a shame as he did tick all the boxes of what I needed, and I him. So now I either need to make a choice as to whether to start again or to bother. I have gone through all the normal things of clubs and most sites...and ive had terrible luck, things like this just keep happening.
So...what do I do?
In the meantime im becoming fairly jaded about the whole thing..being let down that much will do that to you. whenever I meet somone who is cute I will imediatly think...oh they say they like me...but...we all know whats going to happen.
SO im going to try and enjoy my days with Seany, and try and not think about it...but anyone who knows me knows I need this so much that thats not going to work that well...oh well
Thursday 9 June 2011
Karma is
So karma, the bitch that is, has finally come back to bite old friends.
Several years ago I went to the second nigh of a kink club with my partner at the time. There were a handful of people there with everyone looking bashful and standing in corners (appart from the one old guy in the sling just waiting). We sat down had a drink and tried with little avail to chat to people, and then we got chatting to the owner. He said that he had expected more and he would love a bit of a show...we offered to teach people shibari. He declined but we kept chatting
My situation at the time was I was unemployed, was having major family problems and finally trying to realise who I was.
The Owner (from now on O) asked me to get involved. I arranged to put on a show created an icon for publicity and started marketting. Yes O was involved in so much as he made suggestions. We had many a drunken night where he tried to get inside my head, where he found out what it was I wanted...but I did the grunt work. The next club night (from now on C) was a big success with double the crowd and more conversation and entertainment than before.
I built the club up managed to keep that fine line between advertising and annoyance. I set up business contacts with kink shops and on the night would set up then act as both front of house and entertainment. It was wearing, and a lot of work all while trying to job hunt
By this time my money was getting VERY stretched with me needing to lean in my parents for help...which wasn't a great thing. I wasnt paid by the club, and would have to buy things for shows. I was well known as tge face of C and spent half my life fielding questions from scared noobs and just general stuff. I had split up with my pup and found myself falling for somone O had liked. So I did the honourable thing and asked him if he minded he said no he didn't so off I went. Fell in love yet, and I only found thus out when 2 mutual friends of O got together one who he liked...I saw him spreading rumours behind their backs telling the partners nasty things about their other half.
This man was clever and trying to play ches with peoples lives...and succeding
The nights were huge success' now and we were full almost to capacity, and people were happy. I was still doing front of house, guarding noobs and showing and making sure people were playing safe. We had traveled up to Manchester where it had once again been successful but I had wanted to kill people.
The team of people that we had had become close. However I was diagnosed as being bipolar and my depression spiraled. The boy and I had split and now I was being told I wasn't committed to the club...after all I had done. The next club night I felt far too I'll and told them...and that was it I was effectivly cut off by everyone from the club.
And them the interesting things started happening. All the plans I had arranged O started to try and do, rumours about me. I even had one boy who I had been looking to take on say he had been told by this person that he wasn't my type and I would never take him on...which was exactly what the boy needed to hear for him to run.
Even though I was never paid O had always paid for cute impressionable boys to come down and stay with him, plying them with drink in the vain hope hey would sleep with him.
Later on when I got my reputation back the C team started coming to me. This was especially true after it was seen with him trying to use a young boy to discredit another Dom. O had not only bought alcohol but other treats. He himself had become addicted (I have a copy of an intervention letter pleading him to stop) and had done demos under the influence...something I find scarey. On the one time I went back I saw demos done with rope where circulation in limbs was being cut off due to bad ropework and we had to step in.
There have been many other things this person has done to others making threats that would harm him too and when I get asked should I go there I say no. There isn't the same atmosphere there should be and I'm not confident people stick to rules.
The worrying part for me is that O seems to contact only the young and impressionable and as a Master I worry over what they then think one should be....yes I don't think he is good for others, for noobs or for the community
Luckily tho karma is coming around and things are coming to light...finally
Several years ago I went to the second nigh of a kink club with my partner at the time. There were a handful of people there with everyone looking bashful and standing in corners (appart from the one old guy in the sling just waiting). We sat down had a drink and tried with little avail to chat to people, and then we got chatting to the owner. He said that he had expected more and he would love a bit of a show...we offered to teach people shibari. He declined but we kept chatting
My situation at the time was I was unemployed, was having major family problems and finally trying to realise who I was.
The Owner (from now on O) asked me to get involved. I arranged to put on a show created an icon for publicity and started marketting. Yes O was involved in so much as he made suggestions. We had many a drunken night where he tried to get inside my head, where he found out what it was I wanted...but I did the grunt work. The next club night (from now on C) was a big success with double the crowd and more conversation and entertainment than before.
I built the club up managed to keep that fine line between advertising and annoyance. I set up business contacts with kink shops and on the night would set up then act as both front of house and entertainment. It was wearing, and a lot of work all while trying to job hunt
By this time my money was getting VERY stretched with me needing to lean in my parents for help...which wasn't a great thing. I wasnt paid by the club, and would have to buy things for shows. I was well known as tge face of C and spent half my life fielding questions from scared noobs and just general stuff. I had split up with my pup and found myself falling for somone O had liked. So I did the honourable thing and asked him if he minded he said no he didn't so off I went. Fell in love yet, and I only found thus out when 2 mutual friends of O got together one who he liked...I saw him spreading rumours behind their backs telling the partners nasty things about their other half.
This man was clever and trying to play ches with peoples lives...and succeding
The nights were huge success' now and we were full almost to capacity, and people were happy. I was still doing front of house, guarding noobs and showing and making sure people were playing safe. We had traveled up to Manchester where it had once again been successful but I had wanted to kill people.
The team of people that we had had become close. However I was diagnosed as being bipolar and my depression spiraled. The boy and I had split and now I was being told I wasn't committed to the club...after all I had done. The next club night I felt far too I'll and told them...and that was it I was effectivly cut off by everyone from the club.
And them the interesting things started happening. All the plans I had arranged O started to try and do, rumours about me. I even had one boy who I had been looking to take on say he had been told by this person that he wasn't my type and I would never take him on...which was exactly what the boy needed to hear for him to run.
Even though I was never paid O had always paid for cute impressionable boys to come down and stay with him, plying them with drink in the vain hope hey would sleep with him.
Later on when I got my reputation back the C team started coming to me. This was especially true after it was seen with him trying to use a young boy to discredit another Dom. O had not only bought alcohol but other treats. He himself had become addicted (I have a copy of an intervention letter pleading him to stop) and had done demos under the influence...something I find scarey. On the one time I went back I saw demos done with rope where circulation in limbs was being cut off due to bad ropework and we had to step in.
There have been many other things this person has done to others making threats that would harm him too and when I get asked should I go there I say no. There isn't the same atmosphere there should be and I'm not confident people stick to rules.
The worrying part for me is that O seems to contact only the young and impressionable and as a Master I worry over what they then think one should be....yes I don't think he is good for others, for noobs or for the community
Luckily tho karma is coming around and things are coming to light...finally
Wednesday 8 June 2011
The next station is...
I love watching people on the tube, and I love nothing more than watching women put on makeup...and let's face it if you decide to do it on the tube you have to expect to be watched... I know I do when I'm slapping on the guyliner.
But it seems to me that the tube is treated as an extension of our own houses, I know that I have and do get ready at home (missing brekkie) and it's like my morning routine will pause, with me in a state of semi-disaray. I will then (as I did this morning even though I was late) get something to eat from the shop and wait till I'm on a train before starting my routine again. Putting on cream if my skin needs it (I have eczema so my skin needs lots of tending too) my under eye stuff that wakes them up and eating. Basically finish my morning routine, exiting the train feeling a little more ready for the world.
It seems that whatever we can get away with doing on the tube we will...which I love as it means I get to (sorry slight interlude - just on the bakerloo platform and holy FUCK it's hot) see inside their lives, just little glipses not much... And as the time honoured saying goes, you show me yours...
But it seems to me that the tube is treated as an extension of our own houses, I know that I have and do get ready at home (missing brekkie) and it's like my morning routine will pause, with me in a state of semi-disaray. I will then (as I did this morning even though I was late) get something to eat from the shop and wait till I'm on a train before starting my routine again. Putting on cream if my skin needs it (I have eczema so my skin needs lots of tending too) my under eye stuff that wakes them up and eating. Basically finish my morning routine, exiting the train feeling a little more ready for the world.
It seems that whatever we can get away with doing on the tube we will...which I love as it means I get to (sorry slight interlude - just on the bakerloo platform and holy FUCK it's hot) see inside their lives, just little glipses not much... And as the time honoured saying goes, you show me yours...
Tuesday 7 June 2011
Ps
I'm under the delusion that people actually enjoy wading my weird rants...if you do comment I would like this to be a little interactive
WHAT 2 in one day
I'm a fairly self aware person, well I think so, my friends will probably say otherwise...but I think I am and that's what counts, right? Either way I spend a large amount of my waking time analyzing myself picking at the flaws I need to address and trying to do that. I know my patterns I know myself and give myself very little leway.
So this week when I could normally expect myself to break and crumble yet I stayed strong, I was impressed. When I found myself stood up by somone I didn't internalize but accepted it...now that my friends is personal growth!
Now the next thing that concerns me is what if I become too distant?
Among other things going on with me:
At work I have finally fallen into the stride of things. I have gotten the accreditation I needed and guidence. Next comes my half yearly appraisal where I basically need to sell myself... Which should be fun... But something I can normally do quite well
Seany is still doing late shifts most nights and I miss him, a lot we haven't had that much time together and when we have well we had things to do so I haven't really had quality time together. He had his boy down which was great I love and miss Ben as much as Seany but I am always mindefull of their relationship and gave them time together, which is ok because I know how happy they are and how they need that time together to really make their relationship stronger. I know I'm important to Ben but I know the bond between Master and boy is very special. Either way Seany is off again in a few days which is good but I think we need to plan for this. If we dont we won't do anything and while I'm a little strapped for cash we can't really just go ok let's travel around a bit. Instead it may be just a few days doing nice couply things thst we have missed so much. I'm one of those that loves the simple things in life, so mebbe a picknic somwhere...now that's a good idea
I love the fact that we can just spend time together and not even need to talk...we just know what's going on in each others minds (me = not much, him = sex)
Boys... Well we have boys that need help in more than one way boys that make promises and Sean (no not Seany but Sean). I can't remember if I've blogged about him.
We had chatted ages ago and the day we started chatting again was around when he was supposed to be away on holiday...and he woukd have been if not for a strange and sad series of events.
His grandpa died-he canceled his holiday- he was bored so signed on- I thought he was somone else
So we started talking, and he said he wasn't interested then got curious... So I explained basically what's been in my blog... We hit it off
He comes round a few days later and we talk propperly and really hit it off. And I cam see things click into place for him and it's amazing and he can't belive it. The next week we have his grandpas funeral and then a suppposed family dinner...which for a number of reasons he doesn't turn up to and sends his appologies. I give him another go which again he sends his appologies...but the mans still in mourning
Now comes the hard part for me the juggling trick. He's distant and I'm not sure what to do. I'm avoiding my normal hussy fit look at me response (growth, personal growth!) and trying to work to his terms. But I'm not sure what to do. We MAY be meeting this Friday but I'm not sure because of funds and other things. And if we do I'm just going to have to treat it as if were starting again I think...
BUT it seems we both have things we need to deal with, so do I try and stretch myself and possibly fail or wait and possibly lose him? Either way I risk looking like a fool..again
So this week when I could normally expect myself to break and crumble yet I stayed strong, I was impressed. When I found myself stood up by somone I didn't internalize but accepted it...now that my friends is personal growth!
Now the next thing that concerns me is what if I become too distant?
Among other things going on with me:
At work I have finally fallen into the stride of things. I have gotten the accreditation I needed and guidence. Next comes my half yearly appraisal where I basically need to sell myself... Which should be fun... But something I can normally do quite well
Seany is still doing late shifts most nights and I miss him, a lot we haven't had that much time together and when we have well we had things to do so I haven't really had quality time together. He had his boy down which was great I love and miss Ben as much as Seany but I am always mindefull of their relationship and gave them time together, which is ok because I know how happy they are and how they need that time together to really make their relationship stronger. I know I'm important to Ben but I know the bond between Master and boy is very special. Either way Seany is off again in a few days which is good but I think we need to plan for this. If we dont we won't do anything and while I'm a little strapped for cash we can't really just go ok let's travel around a bit. Instead it may be just a few days doing nice couply things thst we have missed so much. I'm one of those that loves the simple things in life, so mebbe a picknic somwhere...now that's a good idea
I love the fact that we can just spend time together and not even need to talk...we just know what's going on in each others minds (me = not much, him = sex)
Boys... Well we have boys that need help in more than one way boys that make promises and Sean (no not Seany but Sean). I can't remember if I've blogged about him.
We had chatted ages ago and the day we started chatting again was around when he was supposed to be away on holiday...and he woukd have been if not for a strange and sad series of events.
His grandpa died-he canceled his holiday- he was bored so signed on- I thought he was somone else
So we started talking, and he said he wasn't interested then got curious... So I explained basically what's been in my blog... We hit it off
He comes round a few days later and we talk propperly and really hit it off. And I cam see things click into place for him and it's amazing and he can't belive it. The next week we have his grandpas funeral and then a suppposed family dinner...which for a number of reasons he doesn't turn up to and sends his appologies. I give him another go which again he sends his appologies...but the mans still in mourning
Now comes the hard part for me the juggling trick. He's distant and I'm not sure what to do. I'm avoiding my normal hussy fit look at me response (growth, personal growth!) and trying to work to his terms. But I'm not sure what to do. We MAY be meeting this Friday but I'm not sure because of funds and other things. And if we do I'm just going to have to treat it as if were starting again I think...
BUT it seems we both have things we need to deal with, so do I try and stretch myself and possibly fail or wait and possibly lose him? Either way I risk looking like a fool..again
A Master is...
Part of the reason, I belive, that Masters are viewed with such suspision is the fact that most people belive we chose the weak. That if I have a slave they must be weak minded, mentally damaged individuals who have been brain washed and beaten into submission. Admitadly this could be a similar reaction to when I introduce my fiancé - people just think I'm too dumb or ugly to have such a man, intact the only way I could possibly have somone like him is if ge were blind deaf and dumb...personally I say it would help but that's another story.
Personally I belive that the common view is that Masters prey on the weak. Pluck those that don't know better or can't defend themselves and then beat and mentally degrade the person until they submit.
Again I need to preface what I will say next with; The below is true of GOOD Masters ( Masters being used as anyone whatever gender who owns slaves) there are and always will be twats out there so use common sense and interview the Master before submitting. The below is only somewhat true of Doms.
I will admit it here and now, I like broken boys. Ones who are perfectly level headed don't interest me anywhere as much as a broken boy. I know it kind of seems to go against what I just said but hear me out for a sec.
There are many people out there who when they look for a house they look for "fixer-uppers" ones thst are damaged in someway. They do this because they enjoy renovating the property. They will see something about it that they fall in love with and then see in their minds eye just how amazing it could be if somone put the time and effort in. Yes, they may knock parts or even the majority of the house down, but they will keep and enhance the bit they fell in love with. Chances are, if they had shown this little run down cottage to anyone else, and then gone on to say "isn't it beautiful, don't you think it will look amazing" the friend would have said "no....you twat". Or my friends would.
Being a Master is similar. You see something, a glint or a spark...just something. Then you see just how amazing that person could be if the time and effort was put in. I would like to point out, "how amazing that person could be" does not translate to "how good a cocksucker that person could be". I have said I go for broken boys, I say that because often there is something so amazing but they just don't see it. It could be their willingness to please (which is currently getting them walked all over and just needs direction), their capacity to love or even just how smart they are. Maybe they don't see it or need their confidence/self worth/sense of self worked on...but either way you see something that you want to cultivate because you KNOW that person is great now but could be absolutly stunning.
Another myth I'd like to bust. I do NOT want a pushover. I want somone who will, in a respectful way, test me to see if I'm worth him submitting too. I like cheeky subs, admitadly everything should be done with respect... But if they know where the line is it's like showing that their submission to me is a part of normal life for them.
My ideal slave does not cower before me but kneels proudly. Proud of his owner, proud of the service he provides and more importantly proud of the person he has become. He knows his place and does not view himself as second best, after all why would his Master want anything but the best admitadly he may not understand that all the time, but still knows it's true and knows his Master sees him as something special not just as a fucktoy. He knows his Master will be there to guide and teach him to show him how his true self and how strong and content that person can be. His Master may not micro manage, control every little part of his life, but is happy that he has given all of himself over to one person to control in whatever way they wish and trusts that person to do only what he thinks will better the slave
A slave I talked to recently explained that whatever happened she knew that her Master viewed her as a "treasures posetion" and that's the way it should be
Nb all gender references I have used are interchangable... Well except he ones I used about myself lol
Personally I belive that the common view is that Masters prey on the weak. Pluck those that don't know better or can't defend themselves and then beat and mentally degrade the person until they submit.
Again I need to preface what I will say next with; The below is true of GOOD Masters ( Masters being used as anyone whatever gender who owns slaves) there are and always will be twats out there so use common sense and interview the Master before submitting. The below is only somewhat true of Doms.
I will admit it here and now, I like broken boys. Ones who are perfectly level headed don't interest me anywhere as much as a broken boy. I know it kind of seems to go against what I just said but hear me out for a sec.
There are many people out there who when they look for a house they look for "fixer-uppers" ones thst are damaged in someway. They do this because they enjoy renovating the property. They will see something about it that they fall in love with and then see in their minds eye just how amazing it could be if somone put the time and effort in. Yes, they may knock parts or even the majority of the house down, but they will keep and enhance the bit they fell in love with. Chances are, if they had shown this little run down cottage to anyone else, and then gone on to say "isn't it beautiful, don't you think it will look amazing" the friend would have said "no....you twat". Or my friends would.
Being a Master is similar. You see something, a glint or a spark...just something. Then you see just how amazing that person could be if the time and effort was put in. I would like to point out, "how amazing that person could be" does not translate to "how good a cocksucker that person could be". I have said I go for broken boys, I say that because often there is something so amazing but they just don't see it. It could be their willingness to please (which is currently getting them walked all over and just needs direction), their capacity to love or even just how smart they are. Maybe they don't see it or need their confidence/self worth/sense of self worked on...but either way you see something that you want to cultivate because you KNOW that person is great now but could be absolutly stunning.
Another myth I'd like to bust. I do NOT want a pushover. I want somone who will, in a respectful way, test me to see if I'm worth him submitting too. I like cheeky subs, admitadly everything should be done with respect... But if they know where the line is it's like showing that their submission to me is a part of normal life for them.
My ideal slave does not cower before me but kneels proudly. Proud of his owner, proud of the service he provides and more importantly proud of the person he has become. He knows his place and does not view himself as second best, after all why would his Master want anything but the best admitadly he may not understand that all the time, but still knows it's true and knows his Master sees him as something special not just as a fucktoy. He knows his Master will be there to guide and teach him to show him how his true self and how strong and content that person can be. His Master may not micro manage, control every little part of his life, but is happy that he has given all of himself over to one person to control in whatever way they wish and trusts that person to do only what he thinks will better the slave
A slave I talked to recently explained that whatever happened she knew that her Master viewed her as a "treasures posetion" and that's the way it should be
Nb all gender references I have used are interchangable... Well except he ones I used about myself lol
Monday 6 June 2011
A birthday party for a friend
So I have decided that as this blog is my own invention I will post things that are close and personal to me as I find it interesting to see peoples reactions and more than a little cathartic. I will try however to avoid talking about private matters that involve others. While I may moan about my own shortfallings in the relationship, which to be sure there are enough... I will avoid moaning (too much) about my other half...as it's just not loyal. I will also try and avoid talking about things that affect others who haven't given their consent to be written about.
With my privacy code in place, I am going to move away from what is really weighing on my mind and move onto my birthday.
In 20 days I will turn 25. There are a few reasons I am less than happy about this.
1. Seany is 26, when he turned 25 the amount of grief I gave him was unreal...karma baby :(
2. I am now truly in the gay no-mans land. I am not a twink nor do I look like one, and I certainly am not a daddy...I'm neither of the 2 main groups young guys are attracted too...it's the gay death
3. It means I have to have an actual birthday.
Now I have slight hangup about birthdays. When I was young (cos I'm old now see) my family didn't celibrate birthdays. All of my friends would thunk this was horrible as next to Xmas (another day left unmarked) this was the best day out there. It was a day where everyone showed what you meant to them (I wonder if people get hate mail on their bday?!?)
So when I moved over and went to some parties I could see it. I finally understood, and yes for some it's an excuse to get the things Santa didn't bring, for others an excuse to get wasted. But for most it's a celebration of getting through another year and people showing they are glad you have.
The last 2 parties I had over in London all went... Well dismally. One was instrumental in my relationship breaking up the other... Well the excuse "I can't a boys coming down for sex" was used.
So now my view has reverted back to "it's just another day". This doesn't bother me so much, admitadly I would love the big party but I'm realistic. However when I tell others this, the shock, it's like I kicked a puppy. So now i have to work out what to do, for them...I'm still a fan of running off somwhere and hiding, or maybe getting all my enemies together for a fight, that could work
With my privacy code in place, I am going to move away from what is really weighing on my mind and move onto my birthday.
In 20 days I will turn 25. There are a few reasons I am less than happy about this.
1. Seany is 26, when he turned 25 the amount of grief I gave him was unreal...karma baby :(
2. I am now truly in the gay no-mans land. I am not a twink nor do I look like one, and I certainly am not a daddy...I'm neither of the 2 main groups young guys are attracted too...it's the gay death
3. It means I have to have an actual birthday.
Now I have slight hangup about birthdays. When I was young (cos I'm old now see) my family didn't celibrate birthdays. All of my friends would thunk this was horrible as next to Xmas (another day left unmarked) this was the best day out there. It was a day where everyone showed what you meant to them (I wonder if people get hate mail on their bday?!?)
So when I moved over and went to some parties I could see it. I finally understood, and yes for some it's an excuse to get the things Santa didn't bring, for others an excuse to get wasted. But for most it's a celebration of getting through another year and people showing they are glad you have.
The last 2 parties I had over in London all went... Well dismally. One was instrumental in my relationship breaking up the other... Well the excuse "I can't a boys coming down for sex" was used.
So now my view has reverted back to "it's just another day". This doesn't bother me so much, admitadly I would love the big party but I'm realistic. However when I tell others this, the shock, it's like I kicked a puppy. So now i have to work out what to do, for them...I'm still a fan of running off somwhere and hiding, or maybe getting all my enemies together for a fight, that could work
Sunday 5 June 2011
My mind works in strange ways
Ok so as, generally speaking all the interesting ideas come to me while I'm out and about I've decided to try and blog on my iPhone. Let's see how well this goes!?!?
Yesterday I had a strange realisation. It was a simple moment... Seany had ruined another sheet by spilling poppers on them (as you do) and so we were in debenhams looking at new sheets. We got onto talking about our new flat, the one we will be moving into, and I mentally started to pick things out for it. We sectioned off areas that we would both decorate, and stated things we would no allow in the flat. It wasn't much but it was enough to make me smile, and kept me smiling for a bit. The simple realisation that yes this was he first full on adult relationship, and that the ones I had previously were just kids pretending. Kids playing at happily ever after and not realising he work that you need to put in. I'm at the stage where eveythint is VERY real. Thinking about our future ( Those who know me know I DO NOT PLAN ) and making those hypothetical hard questions... What would I do if...
I know I have prolly said it before and I've prolly said it about others without realising the full weight behind the words... But... It feels like I'm going to be stuck with thus one for a long long time. This realisation, which to be fair is something I've know since about a week after I met Seany, has actually led me to interesting questions. I've always been a DNR, meaning if I'm in a situation where a doctor needs to do life saving work in a you either take this or die, I would refuse. Now I'm not sure, I don't think I could do it. Not because I think it's a cheats way out...cos I still technically agree with it...it's just I don't actually think Seany could survive without me. And if I did go I now see why people try and plan for their death so their other half doesn't have to. It's not morbid to plan these things it's actually showing just how much you love them. For most it is a statement of "I will face this so you don't have to" and for most the thought of heir own death is a scary one.
On another note my friend and I have decided there should be a new protocol for trying to pick people up. The conversation should go something like this;
Me - "hey I'm Joel"
Him- "hi I'm ***"
Me - "cool, I think your cute"
Him - "your kind of ruggedly handsome in a troll under the bridge way"
Me - "....thanks"
Him - "some of my best friends are..."
Me - "ok yeah I get the idea. Aaanyway I would rather like to take you home and fornicate"
Him - "sounds fun"
Me - "after that I'd like to tie you up and whip you"
Him - "aces"
Me - "with a view to owning and training you as a slave"
Him - "all sounds good to me, when do I get my collar?"
We thought if EVERYONE just stopped playing around having second agendas it would all be so much easier! So, people try it lay your cards on the table and see what happens
Yesterday I had a strange realisation. It was a simple moment... Seany had ruined another sheet by spilling poppers on them (as you do) and so we were in debenhams looking at new sheets. We got onto talking about our new flat, the one we will be moving into, and I mentally started to pick things out for it. We sectioned off areas that we would both decorate, and stated things we would no allow in the flat. It wasn't much but it was enough to make me smile, and kept me smiling for a bit. The simple realisation that yes this was he first full on adult relationship, and that the ones I had previously were just kids pretending. Kids playing at happily ever after and not realising he work that you need to put in. I'm at the stage where eveythint is VERY real. Thinking about our future ( Those who know me know I DO NOT PLAN ) and making those hypothetical hard questions... What would I do if...
I know I have prolly said it before and I've prolly said it about others without realising the full weight behind the words... But... It feels like I'm going to be stuck with thus one for a long long time. This realisation, which to be fair is something I've know since about a week after I met Seany, has actually led me to interesting questions. I've always been a DNR, meaning if I'm in a situation where a doctor needs to do life saving work in a you either take this or die, I would refuse. Now I'm not sure, I don't think I could do it. Not because I think it's a cheats way out...cos I still technically agree with it...it's just I don't actually think Seany could survive without me. And if I did go I now see why people try and plan for their death so their other half doesn't have to. It's not morbid to plan these things it's actually showing just how much you love them. For most it is a statement of "I will face this so you don't have to" and for most the thought of heir own death is a scary one.
On another note my friend and I have decided there should be a new protocol for trying to pick people up. The conversation should go something like this;
Me - "hey I'm Joel"
Him- "hi I'm ***"
Me - "cool, I think your cute"
Him - "your kind of ruggedly handsome in a troll under the bridge way"
Me - "....thanks"
Him - "some of my best friends are..."
Me - "ok yeah I get the idea. Aaanyway I would rather like to take you home and fornicate"
Him - "sounds fun"
Me - "after that I'd like to tie you up and whip you"
Him - "aces"
Me - "with a view to owning and training you as a slave"
Him - "all sounds good to me, when do I get my collar?"
We thought if EVERYONE just stopped playing around having second agendas it would all be so much easier! So, people try it lay your cards on the table and see what happens
Thursday 2 June 2011
50's Household vs Master / slave
As a Master I often get asked, how it works, how the relationships work the power dynamics form...and why on earth I would chose something so out of the norm. So I thought I would FINALLY get round to explaining myself.
Firstly I would like to talk a bit about "normal" relationships. We have been brought up that the Man is the breadwinner, he is the head of the household and controls the roost. Below him is the dutiful Wife who will look after her man because she is secure. However, lately we have seen that often its not the Man who takes this role Women can be just as strong as Men. But normally what you will find is that, and its often a running joke if this position is filled by the Woman, that there is one person who "wears the trousers". This person has the deciding vote, they are the strong one who while they may not be motherly takes care of their partner.
We have all been brought up with this idea and format in our lives, our parents may follow it, or we see it on TV and in history books.
While some people would argue that this form of partnership can be unhealthy, I disagree (obviously there are exceptions but...ya know) I think that you will find that often these 2 people will compliment each other. The one who "wears the trousers" will stand up for, will care for if needed and will hopefully make the other person more confident. While the slightly more submissive (see what I did there) person will calm down and again care for their Partner...2 sides of a coin each one completing each other.
Think back, look at the relationships you may have or be in that work well or friends you see who are in relationships and see how they work, you may see some similarities.
So, what do I do that's so different. Well I am a Master, I own a slave. I hear you all gasping with horror picturing some roman style slave with no self worth in total fear of me.
Master / slave relations do not work that way. Admittedly there are a percentage of both Masters and slaves out there who want it to work like that, but for the MAJORITY of them it doesn't. For the majority of people the M/s relationships are kinder, more nurturing than say the Victorian husband and wife ones.
Relationships break up for many reasons, but when I look back at my relationships I see confusions. I was in gay relationships and there was always that confusion over where we fitted in...I think people feel the need to be either the trouser wearer in the relationship or not, and there can be pressure to be seen as the one in charge...which can cause arguments if you or your partner are stubborn...if you feel that just, something isn't quite right...and you arnt sure what to expect of each other
What the M/s community have done is effectively set out the boundaries. Most relationships have a power imbalance, we just recognise that. Its not always a full on slave giving away all of his control to the Master, there are gradients.
I know and have always known I am a Master. I know and accept that means that I have taken on responsibility for my slave...and dint let anyone tell you that isn't a frightening thing at times. YOU and YOU SOLELY have the responsibility for that person...its like having a baby (in a non freaky, non AB play way (no my slave does NOT wear a nappy and if he did i would split up with him) its a similar level of responsibility) Yes, my slave is an adult, which means he does think for himself, but in times of trouble he knows I am there to look after him...and its my job to see him through
We have been together for 2 years now, and (i believe partly because of our relationship style) we have not had a blazing row. This isnt to say that he doesnt get on my last nerve at times...or me him...we do. But becase we know where our roles lie it gives us strength in our relationship.
He knows that he is absolutly loved by me, and as I own him I do adore and look after him. I know that as he is my slave and because he loves me, he will do anything for me. Yes that does leave the slave open to abuse but while all relationships are based on trust, M/s relationship need far stronger trust. The more control you have over somone the deeper they need to be able to trust you before they give you that control. Everything should be consentual...and the slave needs to know before they give up the control to the Master that the Master will not abuse that trust and control.
Now im not saying that EVERYONE should suddenly pick a side and stick with it. I am saying however that if you have always felt that you needed to either look after and take care of your partner, possibly to an extent that you didnt think would go down well...or if the reverse is true then think it over. Talk to somone in a M/s relationship and if you dont but you just see one of us around...just think, we arnt that abnormal. Dont confuse M/s relationships with old men in leather who like to just abuse people...look a little deeper
ps...some of us are..but meh :P
Firstly I would like to talk a bit about "normal" relationships. We have been brought up that the Man is the breadwinner, he is the head of the household and controls the roost. Below him is the dutiful Wife who will look after her man because she is secure. However, lately we have seen that often its not the Man who takes this role Women can be just as strong as Men. But normally what you will find is that, and its often a running joke if this position is filled by the Woman, that there is one person who "wears the trousers". This person has the deciding vote, they are the strong one who while they may not be motherly takes care of their partner.
We have all been brought up with this idea and format in our lives, our parents may follow it, or we see it on TV and in history books.
While some people would argue that this form of partnership can be unhealthy, I disagree (obviously there are exceptions but...ya know) I think that you will find that often these 2 people will compliment each other. The one who "wears the trousers" will stand up for, will care for if needed and will hopefully make the other person more confident. While the slightly more submissive (see what I did there) person will calm down and again care for their Partner...2 sides of a coin each one completing each other.
Think back, look at the relationships you may have or be in that work well or friends you see who are in relationships and see how they work, you may see some similarities.
So, what do I do that's so different. Well I am a Master, I own a slave. I hear you all gasping with horror picturing some roman style slave with no self worth in total fear of me.
Master / slave relations do not work that way. Admittedly there are a percentage of both Masters and slaves out there who want it to work like that, but for the MAJORITY of them it doesn't. For the majority of people the M/s relationships are kinder, more nurturing than say the Victorian husband and wife ones.
Relationships break up for many reasons, but when I look back at my relationships I see confusions. I was in gay relationships and there was always that confusion over where we fitted in...I think people feel the need to be either the trouser wearer in the relationship or not, and there can be pressure to be seen as the one in charge...which can cause arguments if you or your partner are stubborn...if you feel that just, something isn't quite right...and you arnt sure what to expect of each other
What the M/s community have done is effectively set out the boundaries. Most relationships have a power imbalance, we just recognise that. Its not always a full on slave giving away all of his control to the Master, there are gradients.
I know and have always known I am a Master. I know and accept that means that I have taken on responsibility for my slave...and dint let anyone tell you that isn't a frightening thing at times. YOU and YOU SOLELY have the responsibility for that person...its like having a baby (in a non freaky, non AB play way (no my slave does NOT wear a nappy and if he did i would split up with him) its a similar level of responsibility) Yes, my slave is an adult, which means he does think for himself, but in times of trouble he knows I am there to look after him...and its my job to see him through
We have been together for 2 years now, and (i believe partly because of our relationship style) we have not had a blazing row. This isnt to say that he doesnt get on my last nerve at times...or me him...we do. But becase we know where our roles lie it gives us strength in our relationship.
He knows that he is absolutly loved by me, and as I own him I do adore and look after him. I know that as he is my slave and because he loves me, he will do anything for me. Yes that does leave the slave open to abuse but while all relationships are based on trust, M/s relationship need far stronger trust. The more control you have over somone the deeper they need to be able to trust you before they give you that control. Everything should be consentual...and the slave needs to know before they give up the control to the Master that the Master will not abuse that trust and control.
Now im not saying that EVERYONE should suddenly pick a side and stick with it. I am saying however that if you have always felt that you needed to either look after and take care of your partner, possibly to an extent that you didnt think would go down well...or if the reverse is true then think it over. Talk to somone in a M/s relationship and if you dont but you just see one of us around...just think, we arnt that abnormal. Dont confuse M/s relationships with old men in leather who like to just abuse people...look a little deeper
ps...some of us are..but meh :P
Saturday 23 April 2011
The building of a commune
As most of you will also know I am looking for a pet. By pet I do not mean a cat or a dog but a boy. I am a Master, I own my slaveboy, who I love. My boy also has his own pet, who I love and help look after. With the addition of Ben (Seanys pet) to our lives has made us so much happier and content. Ben is PERFECT for Seany, he is infact a little version of Seany with the same mannerisms as him and kinks...its actually very sweet to see.
I have been searching for pets for years, and have had an end view in mind for a good 7 years. A kinky family, a poly amorous situation which is more in line with a hippy commune but It works. Seany searched for a pet for about 6 months or so, and now he has Ben, but the more I search the less I find. Now that I am engaged people view me with total suspicion, see me as a seedy partner who is just wanting to fuck around, without actually letting me explain myself.
Yes I am a Master, but not in the porn films or CSI sense. I do not (contrary to popular belief) walk around in leather trousers the whole time, and demand that the boys sit in the corner of the room not facing me. In fact its a caring position, the Master should look after the boy, should train him up and encourage him to be the best he can. The boy is a companion and friend as well...and should respect the Master and know that he only has the boys best interest in mind. That is what I need, a boy that I can look after and train up from scratch. Boys that will need me that will want me to guide them. Ideally I see a couple of boys, with everyone being happy and content with each other. The problem is finding people that will understand that.
When talking to people on a kink site, you get those that just want a quick shag...which doesn't interest me. Or you get the people who believe that they are scum and should not be allowed to look at the Master ect...which as you can probably tell doesn't quite fit with me. Also... I don't really want a slut who has fucked around most of the gay population of London, I hate that moment when you see someone you know who you are attracted too..and then find out everyone in the room has fucked them...it turns me right off.
When I say to people that this is what I need, they generally think I am just being greedy, and don't think I am happy with what I have, think that by me needing this i am belittling the relationship that I have with Seany and normally wont recognise the relationship I have with Ben.
I would like to categorically state now, that I love Seany and Ben completely. Seany is my fiance, which for someone like me who wont plan for the future, the statement that he is my fiance should show just how much I love him. Ben has made both Seany and I so much happier, and adds completion to our lives, Seany's especially. Now I just need to find my version. I have been waiting for so long, I'm not prepared to take second best, I need to find someone who is as perfect for me as Ben is for Seany
The problem is that when I see someone that is attractive I have to do the math. The population in England is roughly 61 Million, of them there are aprox 1.5 to 2 Million gay men, then of those we have to see how many gay men there are. If I take the amouth of people that are on recon as a rough guide that means that there are a few thousand spread over the uk, then if I take out the...over 30s for instance that will cut it by 2 thirds...As you can see its rapidly reducing the chances of me meeting someone who is cute, attracted to me and kinky in the real world.
This means that I am kinda stuck to one of 2 options. Either I use Recon, slaveboys, gaydar or I use a tranquiliser gun and net. I have tried option one and that doesn't seem to work. i have met the occasional genuine guy, who is nice and not an utter twat. But the majority of them seem to be guys that chat, that make a connection and then get afraid or just decide to fuck off. I have lost count of the amount of guys that have done that.
So instead I think I am going to go down to the armoury, and get me a tranq gun. I have a net, I have cuffs...Just need to find someone who wont struggle too much!
Or there is an option 3, anyone reading this gonna take pity on me?...scrap that pity sucks.
More on the family situation later
I have been searching for pets for years, and have had an end view in mind for a good 7 years. A kinky family, a poly amorous situation which is more in line with a hippy commune but It works. Seany searched for a pet for about 6 months or so, and now he has Ben, but the more I search the less I find. Now that I am engaged people view me with total suspicion, see me as a seedy partner who is just wanting to fuck around, without actually letting me explain myself.
Yes I am a Master, but not in the porn films or CSI sense. I do not (contrary to popular belief) walk around in leather trousers the whole time, and demand that the boys sit in the corner of the room not facing me. In fact its a caring position, the Master should look after the boy, should train him up and encourage him to be the best he can. The boy is a companion and friend as well...and should respect the Master and know that he only has the boys best interest in mind. That is what I need, a boy that I can look after and train up from scratch. Boys that will need me that will want me to guide them. Ideally I see a couple of boys, with everyone being happy and content with each other. The problem is finding people that will understand that.
When talking to people on a kink site, you get those that just want a quick shag...which doesn't interest me. Or you get the people who believe that they are scum and should not be allowed to look at the Master ect...which as you can probably tell doesn't quite fit with me. Also... I don't really want a slut who has fucked around most of the gay population of London, I hate that moment when you see someone you know who you are attracted too..and then find out everyone in the room has fucked them...it turns me right off.
When I say to people that this is what I need, they generally think I am just being greedy, and don't think I am happy with what I have, think that by me needing this i am belittling the relationship that I have with Seany and normally wont recognise the relationship I have with Ben.
I would like to categorically state now, that I love Seany and Ben completely. Seany is my fiance, which for someone like me who wont plan for the future, the statement that he is my fiance should show just how much I love him. Ben has made both Seany and I so much happier, and adds completion to our lives, Seany's especially. Now I just need to find my version. I have been waiting for so long, I'm not prepared to take second best, I need to find someone who is as perfect for me as Ben is for Seany
The problem is that when I see someone that is attractive I have to do the math. The population in England is roughly 61 Million, of them there are aprox 1.5 to 2 Million gay men, then of those we have to see how many gay men there are. If I take the amouth of people that are on recon as a rough guide that means that there are a few thousand spread over the uk, then if I take out the...over 30s for instance that will cut it by 2 thirds...As you can see its rapidly reducing the chances of me meeting someone who is cute, attracted to me and kinky in the real world.
This means that I am kinda stuck to one of 2 options. Either I use Recon, slaveboys, gaydar or I use a tranquiliser gun and net. I have tried option one and that doesn't seem to work. i have met the occasional genuine guy, who is nice and not an utter twat. But the majority of them seem to be guys that chat, that make a connection and then get afraid or just decide to fuck off. I have lost count of the amount of guys that have done that.
So instead I think I am going to go down to the armoury, and get me a tranq gun. I have a net, I have cuffs...Just need to find someone who wont struggle too much!
Or there is an option 3, anyone reading this gonna take pity on me?...scrap that pity sucks.
More on the family situation later
The death of my social life
A bank holiday weekend. Hurrah I hear you cry. We have a few extra days off work...yes yes we do. Although for me while I also have the sense of OH THANK HOLY GOD I'm not in work, I also have the dread of, what am I going to do.
As you, dear reader, may have noticed I am trying to widen my social circle. Which is harder than it seems. As someone who has spent most of his adult life on the Internet and not gone out its difficult to teach yourself when your 24. When I was younger, I used the Internet as a way of hiding, making friends in places where they wouldn't know me, and couldn't spread my secret. And that was a substitute for actual physical friends.
Now that I am in London I want people to go around with, someone to take me to the little known place that's off this street. In London you either need to wander around and be lucky or have a guide to show you the really interesting places. And if you are going to some of these, you need someone to experience them with.
But how do you go about and find these people, London is a lonely city in that if you talk to anyone you don't know...they are suspicious.
So now, I have 3 days, where I don't know what to do. How do you go about getting new friends, without being introduced to existing friends friends. Isn't that how you extend your circle of friends? Even though I for the most part managed to give off a sense of confidence in public places, I am and have always been shy. I learnt to fake this confidence after having panic attacks when I was younger. But that doesn't mean I am actually confident to go over and say hi to someone...
I have always dealt with my self confidence issues with music. I am ALWAYS plugged into my iPhone. I will always have music on me if I am going to be around on my own, this also doesn't help as people ant likely to actually say hello if I am plugged into my music.
So, I'm basically fucked lol....err...Anyone wanna go for a drink?
As you, dear reader, may have noticed I am trying to widen my social circle. Which is harder than it seems. As someone who has spent most of his adult life on the Internet and not gone out its difficult to teach yourself when your 24. When I was younger, I used the Internet as a way of hiding, making friends in places where they wouldn't know me, and couldn't spread my secret. And that was a substitute for actual physical friends.
Now that I am in London I want people to go around with, someone to take me to the little known place that's off this street. In London you either need to wander around and be lucky or have a guide to show you the really interesting places. And if you are going to some of these, you need someone to experience them with.
But how do you go about and find these people, London is a lonely city in that if you talk to anyone you don't know...they are suspicious.
So now, I have 3 days, where I don't know what to do. How do you go about getting new friends, without being introduced to existing friends friends. Isn't that how you extend your circle of friends? Even though I for the most part managed to give off a sense of confidence in public places, I am and have always been shy. I learnt to fake this confidence after having panic attacks when I was younger. But that doesn't mean I am actually confident to go over and say hi to someone...
I have always dealt with my self confidence issues with music. I am ALWAYS plugged into my iPhone. I will always have music on me if I am going to be around on my own, this also doesn't help as people ant likely to actually say hello if I am plugged into my music.
So, I'm basically fucked lol....err...Anyone wanna go for a drink?
Friday 22 April 2011
THIS MEANS WAR
As you saw I set out a few different tasks for myself. One of them was to hoop, which I can now do the other was to progress in my job a bit better. I feel that I am being overlooked and that just leaves me feeling bored.
I decided to set out a friendly email to my Manager. Basically stating where I thought I was at, what we had decided we would do...and an update as to why that wasn't the case.
I got asked to wait until my meeting which she scheduled for 3 days time. The day after I sent the email she went on holiday for a week ¬¬ I
I decided to do some investigating. Found out that there was no good reason for my accreditation not to have been completed, that I had been "misinformed" about the prerequisites for the additional tasks I wanted and basically people thought I was doing well.
This has made me EVEN more determined to get the result I want. I know what I am capable of and I know that if i don't chase down the position I want I will become tired bored and make silly silly mistakes.
Watch this space
I decided to set out a friendly email to my Manager. Basically stating where I thought I was at, what we had decided we would do...and an update as to why that wasn't the case.
I got asked to wait until my meeting which she scheduled for 3 days time. The day after I sent the email she went on holiday for a week ¬¬ I
I decided to do some investigating. Found out that there was no good reason for my accreditation not to have been completed, that I had been "misinformed" about the prerequisites for the additional tasks I wanted and basically people thought I was doing well.
This has made me EVEN more determined to get the result I want. I know what I am capable of and I know that if i don't chase down the position I want I will become tired bored and make silly silly mistakes.
Watch this space
The start of a social life
So this is going to be a few days blogs all in one go.
As you probably saw last time I was feeling socially starved. I had not managed to do anything over the weekend and had seen no one...with exception of Seany for about 10 mins each morning where hes not quite alive.
So I managed to cajole and bully somone into having coffee on Sunday. It was nice, I was finally meeting somone new and actually using my social skills...which have been somewhat lacking tbh. I had a few of my fav ciders at the porqupine and all was good...It may also mean i will be going to a my big fat gypsy wedding club night. Which can only be good!
Monday during the day I was getting messages from a guy I had been chatting to on grndr. He was trying to get me to go to the local gymbox with him to work out...which wasnt going to happen. I know I may be stronger than I look and can hold down people that..well you wouldnt think I should be able to but I knew I would make a cock of myself if I went. I finally agreed to going and having coffee because from his profile pic he looked kinda cute.
I got home showered changed and unfortunatly made the mistake of running round Westfield before meeting him...rooky mistake. Turning up at the designated coffee shop, being greeted by the woman asking me where I wanted to sit and seing her face when i pointed to the guy that was waiting for me was priceless.
Awaiting me was, imagine if you will, a twenty something blond haired, blue eyed, tanned man in a suit that accentuated his muscles and skin tone. In short he was FUCKING GORGEOUS. The kind of person that you stop take a deep breath and turn round to look at again when they walk past.
Sitting there chatting to him was interesting, hes not the normal kind of person that I would go for but there was something intruiging about him...plus..SO HOT
Walking otu and saying goodbye, a quick hug, and it hit me...that butterfly feeling in the pit of your stomach. The one where you start to run through the meet and think "did I make a twat of myself" or even if I should bother trying anything.
I had set out to have a little excitment in my life, to feel that buzz that rush and I had got it over the past 2 nights. I was happy with myself. I dont do well meeting people for the first time even though I do have the craving to meet new people. Both of those times I had felt sick to my stomach at the thought of having to talk to what are effectivly strangers. I can only feel grateful that I didnt know just how hot the other guy was....If I had....
On Wednesday I bought a hula hoop. A propper large weighted hoop. And a few other toys. I spent most of the day actually hooping, staffing or twirling my poi in the park. It was nice it allows me to relax and let rip. I have yet been unable to find any good fuel for my fire.
On a separate note, the guy that works in odballs..short Rihanna red hair and tats mmmmmmmmmmmmm *drools*
As you probably saw last time I was feeling socially starved. I had not managed to do anything over the weekend and had seen no one...with exception of Seany for about 10 mins each morning where hes not quite alive.
So I managed to cajole and bully somone into having coffee on Sunday. It was nice, I was finally meeting somone new and actually using my social skills...which have been somewhat lacking tbh. I had a few of my fav ciders at the porqupine and all was good...It may also mean i will be going to a my big fat gypsy wedding club night. Which can only be good!
Monday during the day I was getting messages from a guy I had been chatting to on grndr. He was trying to get me to go to the local gymbox with him to work out...which wasnt going to happen. I know I may be stronger than I look and can hold down people that..well you wouldnt think I should be able to but I knew I would make a cock of myself if I went. I finally agreed to going and having coffee because from his profile pic he looked kinda cute.
I got home showered changed and unfortunatly made the mistake of running round Westfield before meeting him...rooky mistake. Turning up at the designated coffee shop, being greeted by the woman asking me where I wanted to sit and seing her face when i pointed to the guy that was waiting for me was priceless.
Awaiting me was, imagine if you will, a twenty something blond haired, blue eyed, tanned man in a suit that accentuated his muscles and skin tone. In short he was FUCKING GORGEOUS. The kind of person that you stop take a deep breath and turn round to look at again when they walk past.
Sitting there chatting to him was interesting, hes not the normal kind of person that I would go for but there was something intruiging about him...plus..SO HOT
Walking otu and saying goodbye, a quick hug, and it hit me...that butterfly feeling in the pit of your stomach. The one where you start to run through the meet and think "did I make a twat of myself" or even if I should bother trying anything.
I had set out to have a little excitment in my life, to feel that buzz that rush and I had got it over the past 2 nights. I was happy with myself. I dont do well meeting people for the first time even though I do have the craving to meet new people. Both of those times I had felt sick to my stomach at the thought of having to talk to what are effectivly strangers. I can only feel grateful that I didnt know just how hot the other guy was....If I had....
On Wednesday I bought a hula hoop. A propper large weighted hoop. And a few other toys. I spent most of the day actually hooping, staffing or twirling my poi in the park. It was nice it allows me to relax and let rip. I have yet been unable to find any good fuel for my fire.
On a separate note, the guy that works in odballs..short Rihanna red hair and tats mmmmmmmmmmmmm *drools*
Saturday 16 April 2011
A Personal Sleight
So I decided that as my plans for this evening had been canceled, and as I still was in a bit of a manic mood and needed to dance to go out. I can fake confidence right?
So I decide to iron a particularly tight top, in a colour that I actually think I look good in. Just the right fit so it looks like I have pecs but not boobs. Jeans that actually fit and accentuate me and my leather jacket. I may straighten my hair but getting ready takes less time than it did to iron my shirt.
After a brief diversion to fill out the census I'm on my way, realising the train station is closed and so need to take another route. In the hot tube I start to sweat...and my straightened fringe decides to curl
I get to Piccadilly circus, and spend a good 15 mins watching a juggling act. Someone I almost aspire to be and who plies his trade beautifully. I had set out this evening to go get Chinese, with the vague hope of dancing, so off I trot to get Chinese...
Only by this time my appetite has gone, and I wander through Soho. Now for those of you that haven't been to Soho its full of people, camps, queens, bears and for some reason families showing off the gays to their kids. There are also always ppl giving out flyer's for free entry to clubs.
I walk past, watching the people in front get looked up and down and given a flyer and as I pass I see them giving me the look. Now today for once Im starting to feel fairly good I look ok today so expect to be given the flyer. The look goes from an examination to one of distaste.
4 years ago I used to be laden down, and now, I cant seem to get a single one. I know its a pretty substandard way of gauging my looks but hell it seems to work because I dont get a single admiratory glance from anyone around in Soho.Each time I pass a fresh flyer person, I notice the look...and it feels like a personal sleight Suddenly I feel more like an outsider as I realise that everywhere there are couples and triples of people. Little groups forming and I realise that I dont have it in me just to approach people with a "Hi im Joel, and you are". Its something I should have realised ive played this charade more than once. Most weekends are the same.
Everywhere I turn there are couples, heads nestled into necks and it makes me miss Seany. it also makes me miss that moment when you have met somone and the first cheeky kiss, a tentative light one just below the ear, normally a sigh as the touch disconnects.
I dont have any stomach for chinese, Im hungry but cant eat. I wander back to the tube station and come home, realising that yet again I have failed.
So I decide to iron a particularly tight top, in a colour that I actually think I look good in. Just the right fit so it looks like I have pecs but not boobs. Jeans that actually fit and accentuate me and my leather jacket. I may straighten my hair but getting ready takes less time than it did to iron my shirt.
After a brief diversion to fill out the census I'm on my way, realising the train station is closed and so need to take another route. In the hot tube I start to sweat...and my straightened fringe decides to curl
I get to Piccadilly circus, and spend a good 15 mins watching a juggling act. Someone I almost aspire to be and who plies his trade beautifully. I had set out this evening to go get Chinese, with the vague hope of dancing, so off I trot to get Chinese...
Only by this time my appetite has gone, and I wander through Soho. Now for those of you that haven't been to Soho its full of people, camps, queens, bears and for some reason families showing off the gays to their kids. There are also always ppl giving out flyer's for free entry to clubs.
I walk past, watching the people in front get looked up and down and given a flyer and as I pass I see them giving me the look. Now today for once Im starting to feel fairly good I look ok today so expect to be given the flyer. The look goes from an examination to one of distaste.
4 years ago I used to be laden down, and now, I cant seem to get a single one. I know its a pretty substandard way of gauging my looks but hell it seems to work because I dont get a single admiratory glance from anyone around in Soho.Each time I pass a fresh flyer person, I notice the look...and it feels like a personal sleight Suddenly I feel more like an outsider as I realise that everywhere there are couples and triples of people. Little groups forming and I realise that I dont have it in me just to approach people with a "Hi im Joel, and you are". Its something I should have realised ive played this charade more than once. Most weekends are the same.
Everywhere I turn there are couples, heads nestled into necks and it makes me miss Seany. it also makes me miss that moment when you have met somone and the first cheeky kiss, a tentative light one just below the ear, normally a sigh as the touch disconnects.
I dont have any stomach for chinese, Im hungry but cant eat. I wander back to the tube station and come home, realising that yet again I have failed.
Sun Tzu Joel
This my friends and readers (or reader possibly) will be a first for a while, a not wholly moany blog.
Today I worked, on a Saturday...yes that's not something that's conducive to a happy Saturday but meh...however, it actually helped. The day started with dealing with the leftovers of a shouty person that I had spoken to the night previous. Who said...."your not acting like Coutts, more like Natwest"...Which I take as a HUGE insult...I NEVER worked for Natwest...I worked for RBS for 4 years.
I was sure this person was going to come back and bite me, so in the morning I needed to come and try and put things right. While fixing that, a potential slave I had had an on and off thing with basically said thanks but no thanks...That I had taught him a lot...but I wasn't what he needed
The craving for a fag hit...but I sorted out everything that was needed with the Client. When this particular Client had called through, I was ready to hand my notice in if someone had said it was my fault. Instead a few hours later I found out that the person looking at the case thought I had handled the situation perfectly, that there was nothing I could of done and was respectful the whole time. To be fair, I didn't think that was quite true as I thought I had made a sarcastic comment but meh...I wasn't complaining! For lunch I had Mexican, it was the best thing I had eaten in ages. It was at that point that I realised, ACTUALLY, I was having more fun, more social interaction than if I was off work...and I was earning money.
Slightly sad that I was having more fun at work than if I was off on a weekend? I think so
The day ended up with me talking to an old hand at work. Someone who let me into a few secrets. Who made me realise actually I was doing as well if not better than those who had been put on training schemes and progressed. She made me realise things that I had told others, how to progress...To treat work as a game of chess every move carefully thought out and working at least 3 ahead. As everyone who knows me knows...I love strategising and being in control. I don't like the fact I'm being overlooked...and so..that means I wont be
Joel the warcheif comes into play, the person who can talk to people and get them on his side and who will play all sides...certain ppl wont know whats hit them
I however have a feeling this may not be my only blog tonight...
Today I worked, on a Saturday...yes that's not something that's conducive to a happy Saturday but meh...however, it actually helped. The day started with dealing with the leftovers of a shouty person that I had spoken to the night previous. Who said...."your not acting like Coutts, more like Natwest"...Which I take as a HUGE insult...I NEVER worked for Natwest...I worked for RBS for 4 years.
I was sure this person was going to come back and bite me, so in the morning I needed to come and try and put things right. While fixing that, a potential slave I had had an on and off thing with basically said thanks but no thanks...That I had taught him a lot...but I wasn't what he needed
The craving for a fag hit...but I sorted out everything that was needed with the Client. When this particular Client had called through, I was ready to hand my notice in if someone had said it was my fault. Instead a few hours later I found out that the person looking at the case thought I had handled the situation perfectly, that there was nothing I could of done and was respectful the whole time. To be fair, I didn't think that was quite true as I thought I had made a sarcastic comment but meh...I wasn't complaining! For lunch I had Mexican, it was the best thing I had eaten in ages. It was at that point that I realised, ACTUALLY, I was having more fun, more social interaction than if I was off work...and I was earning money.
Slightly sad that I was having more fun at work than if I was off on a weekend? I think so
The day ended up with me talking to an old hand at work. Someone who let me into a few secrets. Who made me realise actually I was doing as well if not better than those who had been put on training schemes and progressed. She made me realise things that I had told others, how to progress...To treat work as a game of chess every move carefully thought out and working at least 3 ahead. As everyone who knows me knows...I love strategising and being in control. I don't like the fact I'm being overlooked...and so..that means I wont be
Joel the warcheif comes into play, the person who can talk to people and get them on his side and who will play all sides...certain ppl wont know whats hit them
I however have a feeling this may not be my only blog tonight...
Friday 15 April 2011
One is the lonliest number
WARNING, this is a venting, not a look at me I'm sad for your own good do not pity me. In fact if anything its me highlighting my faults so I can fix them
So tonight is Friday night, and what am I doing? Well im sat here in my tracksuit trousers after doing a particularly exerting staff kata outside....and that is the total sum of any plans for my weekend.
I can never seem to make a descision about what to do on weekends. There are never any of my friends around, or if they are they conflict/dont have cash/dont want to do anything.
Tonight I am in the mood to dance, I want to let off some steam (not get drunk, I dont need to drink and I have work tomorrow) I want to do something different, I want to meet new people and make new friends. Seany seems to collect people off twitter and other sites, yet myself...well suffice to say I end up meeting the creeps not the keepers.
When I came to London I was fearless. I would wander round soho on my own and talk to randomers...admitadly it didnt do me that much good but I had a few good evenings. Now I know that if I am not careful all my young years will be spend caccooned watching tv and not doing 'owt (yes I just said 'owt ive known Seany too long) I seem to have become complaicent, which is something I cant wholely contribute to my bipolar but it doesnt help that I dont make descisions easily.
So this weekend, like every weekend I make the same pledge to myself. To tart myself up, try and look semi-passable and decide where to go and to do something...
What in reality is going to happen is Im going to shower, change into something and then wander around central London for a bit..occasionally being asked for change by homless ppl..which will be the sole human interaction I have.
I have hundreds of people on my facebook, twitter and MSN...and my well meaning friends try to convince me I'm loved by one and all...yet every weekend is like this.
On other notes me trying to hula-hoop is akin to a spastic horse....it didnt go well...perserverance and all I know but im far better with a staff.
On other other notes, I decided to get poi, didnt look at them properly, got them out at home to realise they are in majority...pink...GREAT
Music for today shall be trance to try and put myself in dancing mood...*toddles off for a shower*
So tonight is Friday night, and what am I doing? Well im sat here in my tracksuit trousers after doing a particularly exerting staff kata outside....and that is the total sum of any plans for my weekend.
I can never seem to make a descision about what to do on weekends. There are never any of my friends around, or if they are they conflict/dont have cash/dont want to do anything.
Tonight I am in the mood to dance, I want to let off some steam (not get drunk, I dont need to drink and I have work tomorrow) I want to do something different, I want to meet new people and make new friends. Seany seems to collect people off twitter and other sites, yet myself...well suffice to say I end up meeting the creeps not the keepers.
When I came to London I was fearless. I would wander round soho on my own and talk to randomers...admitadly it didnt do me that much good but I had a few good evenings. Now I know that if I am not careful all my young years will be spend caccooned watching tv and not doing 'owt (yes I just said 'owt ive known Seany too long) I seem to have become complaicent, which is something I cant wholely contribute to my bipolar but it doesnt help that I dont make descisions easily.
So this weekend, like every weekend I make the same pledge to myself. To tart myself up, try and look semi-passable and decide where to go and to do something...
What in reality is going to happen is Im going to shower, change into something and then wander around central London for a bit..occasionally being asked for change by homless ppl..which will be the sole human interaction I have.
I have hundreds of people on my facebook, twitter and MSN...and my well meaning friends try to convince me I'm loved by one and all...yet every weekend is like this.
On other notes me trying to hula-hoop is akin to a spastic horse....it didnt go well...perserverance and all I know but im far better with a staff.
On other other notes, I decided to get poi, didnt look at them properly, got them out at home to realise they are in majority...pink...GREAT
Music for today shall be trance to try and put myself in dancing mood...*toddles off for a shower*
Wednesday 13 April 2011
Catharsis
My mind is a strange thing, as I expect are most peoples if they will but let onto it.
I can either liken my mind to an onion, lots of layers, most offensive to one or multiple senses and others likely to make you cry, or at this moment in time the better metaphor is of a ball of string. Once I start to pull at a thread more starts to unravel.
Last night as you may have guessed I needed a little bit of a cathartic breakdown, a spilling of words so that blood was not...and lets not be silly about it, it wouldn't of been my blood that would have been spilled.
However, today it leaves me with a wanting to finish what was started. A need to cleanse myself and get rid of the bad, enjoy the life I have and to accept the things that have gone wrong. I know I'm blessed, i made the cut, I moved out I have my life and while its not perfect its better than most.
I have always had great self control, over things that mattered. In my mind I used up all my self control years ago. So now, I don't have the get and up and go to do things, I'm putting on weight not as out going because of it and will NEVER realise the dream I have if I don't put myself to task. Unfortunately the mental fog that is my mind is kind of hard to burn through...
However I feel that now I should try and actually deal with the things that plague me and move on, gain closure...I feel like an adult...:(
And I think I'm going to try and blog as much of it as possible, to make sure that this is logged so I can see where I have come from and what I have done. My mind blanks out so much of what has happened, it forgets things so easily. I have only a one or 2 years memory, like a very smart goldfish...Most of my earlier years are blocked away and hidden, the good and the bad locked and unable to be accessed. So I would like to be able to show the journey I've had. It may also help people understand me a little better, because lets face it, some of this shit I ain't going to talk about!
I like my job, yes its challenging at times and like everyone I have moments where I would be rather anywhere than there. But I like a job where I can immerse myself, get caught up in the task at hand and not have to think about whats going on with myself. As you may have guessed compartmentalising is one of my greatest skills, and yes it means that I can hide away parts of my mind, but it also means I don't let my personal feelings affect my job. That could be the fact I want to commit suicide and mass genocide, and probably wouldn't be thinking straight enough to work out that is the wrong way around to do it, or because the last call was a cunt.
My other skills are that I can pick up on systems really really easily, and can teach people effectively while making sure they do what I want...Business life and home life crossing over there somewhat but anyway. This was the reason why I told my boss that I wanted to be a Subject Matter Expert on a new system that was being brought in. Instead she picked someone who is still too scared of the last new system she was given. I know it shouldn't have, but it felt like a personal snub.
I shouldn't take it as one, the Manager I have is new (she has only just reached the level I was 4 years ago...damn this move to London) and she is a little forgetful. While I was used to having someone who wanted to develop me, and progress my career, I realise now I need to do the hard work myself.
Unfortunately this may mean a transitional period for me, one where I hide the little bit of alternative and one of a kind me during work. One where I am always well dressed and well presented, where I watch my words and find that talent I used to have of saying EXACTLY the right thing to the right person. Frustrating as it may be, as of next week I need to be a slightly different person during work...I have if nothing else the killer instinct where I WILL WIN. I went through a similar period during the last career, and it didn't turn out all that bad.
Other areas I need to improve
- Health, I need to become more flexible and fitter I will need FAR better core strenght
- I will learn to dance, I want to learn to pole dance as well as just be able to move properly
- I need to get better with my fire, Its been a while since Ive practiced
- I need to learn to hula hoop....cos itl help these child bearing hips...AND i wanna do fire hoop!!!
That is all for today, I'm glad it wasn't as heavy today, my keyboard couldn't have survived a deluge today!
Until tomorrow, or when I can be bothered next
I can either liken my mind to an onion, lots of layers, most offensive to one or multiple senses and others likely to make you cry, or at this moment in time the better metaphor is of a ball of string. Once I start to pull at a thread more starts to unravel.
Last night as you may have guessed I needed a little bit of a cathartic breakdown, a spilling of words so that blood was not...and lets not be silly about it, it wouldn't of been my blood that would have been spilled.
However, today it leaves me with a wanting to finish what was started. A need to cleanse myself and get rid of the bad, enjoy the life I have and to accept the things that have gone wrong. I know I'm blessed, i made the cut, I moved out I have my life and while its not perfect its better than most.
I have always had great self control, over things that mattered. In my mind I used up all my self control years ago. So now, I don't have the get and up and go to do things, I'm putting on weight not as out going because of it and will NEVER realise the dream I have if I don't put myself to task. Unfortunately the mental fog that is my mind is kind of hard to burn through...
However I feel that now I should try and actually deal with the things that plague me and move on, gain closure...I feel like an adult...:(
And I think I'm going to try and blog as much of it as possible, to make sure that this is logged so I can see where I have come from and what I have done. My mind blanks out so much of what has happened, it forgets things so easily. I have only a one or 2 years memory, like a very smart goldfish...Most of my earlier years are blocked away and hidden, the good and the bad locked and unable to be accessed. So I would like to be able to show the journey I've had. It may also help people understand me a little better, because lets face it, some of this shit I ain't going to talk about!
I like my job, yes its challenging at times and like everyone I have moments where I would be rather anywhere than there. But I like a job where I can immerse myself, get caught up in the task at hand and not have to think about whats going on with myself. As you may have guessed compartmentalising is one of my greatest skills, and yes it means that I can hide away parts of my mind, but it also means I don't let my personal feelings affect my job. That could be the fact I want to commit suicide and mass genocide, and probably wouldn't be thinking straight enough to work out that is the wrong way around to do it, or because the last call was a cunt.
My other skills are that I can pick up on systems really really easily, and can teach people effectively while making sure they do what I want...Business life and home life crossing over there somewhat but anyway. This was the reason why I told my boss that I wanted to be a Subject Matter Expert on a new system that was being brought in. Instead she picked someone who is still too scared of the last new system she was given. I know it shouldn't have, but it felt like a personal snub.
I shouldn't take it as one, the Manager I have is new (she has only just reached the level I was 4 years ago...damn this move to London) and she is a little forgetful. While I was used to having someone who wanted to develop me, and progress my career, I realise now I need to do the hard work myself.
Unfortunately this may mean a transitional period for me, one where I hide the little bit of alternative and one of a kind me during work. One where I am always well dressed and well presented, where I watch my words and find that talent I used to have of saying EXACTLY the right thing to the right person. Frustrating as it may be, as of next week I need to be a slightly different person during work...I have if nothing else the killer instinct where I WILL WIN. I went through a similar period during the last career, and it didn't turn out all that bad.
Other areas I need to improve
- Health, I need to become more flexible and fitter I will need FAR better core strenght
- I will learn to dance, I want to learn to pole dance as well as just be able to move properly
- I need to get better with my fire, Its been a while since Ive practiced
- I need to learn to hula hoop....cos itl help these child bearing hips...AND i wanna do fire hoop!!!
That is all for today, I'm glad it wasn't as heavy today, my keyboard couldn't have survived a deluge today!
Until tomorrow, or when I can be bothered next
Tuesday 12 April 2011
Baring my soul...be gentle
So, its been a fair few months since I last posted on here. Mainly I stopped posting as I was either too boring to post, too busy too or just plain to catatonic.
I am as we are speaking (well typing but you get the gist) watching Jonathan Creek on my laptop and chatting to people. My life seems to be compressed to either this lately or being stretched so thinly that I don't have a moment to do the things that I want to.
Although Jonathan Creek is hardly a bad way to spend an evening
Things that haven happened since I last posted last on here (in no particular order)
- I have gained a twitter account
- I have passed probation at work
- I got sick and puked at work over xmas
- I gained a gun and sword
- Got fucked over by several guys, had numerous broken promises by them and
found general time wasters
- Seany and I celebrated our anniversary and I met his mum, and he got outed by her
- I found out Brighton wasn't that bad
- I got engaged
- For the first time in 24 years, I'm not horny
This last part is the bit that concerns me the most. I have no idea if its due to the fact I'm feeling a little stressed. Why would I be stressed I hear you asking.
Well first off my minds a little fucked, you all know this. Dint get me wrong, I love Seany completely, and a part of my mind knows and has always accepted that we are going to be together for a VERY long time...but I don't plan...I never plan for the future, admittedly normally because plans don't go quite right for me. An engagement ring is rather a big plan, and one that i suppose subconsciously I'm trying to get right in my head.
My mind is a huge net of ideas and thoughts, most of them, the very deepest set ones are not actually ones that I focus on, they are just there. I love London I love parts of my life. But I actually miss parts of my old life, yes it was crap and yes it was dangerous...but it was stable. It also had the hope that there was something better. I was comfortable in a large house, with lots of expendable income and I had my family. I cant talk to them now because its too painful to try and keep the two parts of my life separate, but still I miss my parents so much it actually hurts. I get flashes of them, mum has shrunk that little bit more, shes starting to look even older and greyer...Dad is starting to look a lot like pop (grandad) did...he will be starting to go olive skinned with the first touches of the spring sun coming out and will be doing the gardening pretending that he hates it but really loving it. My room still hasn't been touched, they keep it there to forget Ive gone and to hope I will come back, the good prodigal son. The image of my mom steadily getting thinner and wilting is one that haunts me.
Part of what I'm doing is selfish, the other selfless. I cant talk to them because it hurts me too much, and if I did, it would hurt them as they knew I was lying to them.
I think its natural for me to be thinking of my family more now that I am engaged. Seany will be having his family there, his mom and brother their kids, hell i think even his aunts have accepted me bless 'em. My side of the family will include Stevie, Cat, Sammy and Eddie. Those 4 people are the ones I know will always be there for me and are in effect the sum of my friends and my family. Which if you think about it, is quite sad actually...sorry guys love you n all but...you know me well enough to know what I mean
The worrying part is part of me wants to run away. Part of me wants to just fuck off to somewhere where I can start again, Where I can be the me I used to be when I moved to London. The other part of me wants to go back, go back to Jersey to a teary eyed hug from my parents. But I know I cant, If i did I would be sacrificing my Seany, our happiness and my mental health. I wouldn't be able to be me again, I wouldn't be able to do anything and would be expected to be a good little boy.
And when all that weighs down on your shoulders, thoughts of sex go out the window, and you find yourself wishing that you could become numb, click your fingers and everything would be all right. Its not, it never is, and it never happens like that
I feel sorry for my fiance for having to put up with me, and for him thinking I'm sane...I'm far from it.
*puts on Losing my Religion*...bad idea VERY bad idea. *ques up lithium while I consider if I should go see a shrink*
Its OK folks, you know its bad when I put on wires, although having said that I may put that on and start thinking about the family it reminds me of, which will no doubt be the next blog post..It goes from not doing one for ages to doing a 2 page one..go me! I need a hobby and a life! *goes off and raids drinks cabinet, comes back swigging bottle of brandy*
I am as we are speaking (well typing but you get the gist) watching Jonathan Creek on my laptop and chatting to people. My life seems to be compressed to either this lately or being stretched so thinly that I don't have a moment to do the things that I want to.
Although Jonathan Creek is hardly a bad way to spend an evening
Things that haven happened since I last posted last on here (in no particular order)
- I have gained a twitter account
- I have passed probation at work
- I got sick and puked at work over xmas
- I gained a gun and sword
- Got fucked over by several guys, had numerous broken promises by them and
found general time wasters
- Seany and I celebrated our anniversary and I met his mum, and he got outed by her
- I found out Brighton wasn't that bad
- I got engaged
- For the first time in 24 years, I'm not horny
This last part is the bit that concerns me the most. I have no idea if its due to the fact I'm feeling a little stressed. Why would I be stressed I hear you asking.
Well first off my minds a little fucked, you all know this. Dint get me wrong, I love Seany completely, and a part of my mind knows and has always accepted that we are going to be together for a VERY long time...but I don't plan...I never plan for the future, admittedly normally because plans don't go quite right for me. An engagement ring is rather a big plan, and one that i suppose subconsciously I'm trying to get right in my head.
My mind is a huge net of ideas and thoughts, most of them, the very deepest set ones are not actually ones that I focus on, they are just there. I love London I love parts of my life. But I actually miss parts of my old life, yes it was crap and yes it was dangerous...but it was stable. It also had the hope that there was something better. I was comfortable in a large house, with lots of expendable income and I had my family. I cant talk to them now because its too painful to try and keep the two parts of my life separate, but still I miss my parents so much it actually hurts. I get flashes of them, mum has shrunk that little bit more, shes starting to look even older and greyer...Dad is starting to look a lot like pop (grandad) did...he will be starting to go olive skinned with the first touches of the spring sun coming out and will be doing the gardening pretending that he hates it but really loving it. My room still hasn't been touched, they keep it there to forget Ive gone and to hope I will come back, the good prodigal son. The image of my mom steadily getting thinner and wilting is one that haunts me.
Part of what I'm doing is selfish, the other selfless. I cant talk to them because it hurts me too much, and if I did, it would hurt them as they knew I was lying to them.
I think its natural for me to be thinking of my family more now that I am engaged. Seany will be having his family there, his mom and brother their kids, hell i think even his aunts have accepted me bless 'em. My side of the family will include Stevie, Cat, Sammy and Eddie. Those 4 people are the ones I know will always be there for me and are in effect the sum of my friends and my family. Which if you think about it, is quite sad actually...sorry guys love you n all but...you know me well enough to know what I mean
The worrying part is part of me wants to run away. Part of me wants to just fuck off to somewhere where I can start again, Where I can be the me I used to be when I moved to London. The other part of me wants to go back, go back to Jersey to a teary eyed hug from my parents. But I know I cant, If i did I would be sacrificing my Seany, our happiness and my mental health. I wouldn't be able to be me again, I wouldn't be able to do anything and would be expected to be a good little boy.
And when all that weighs down on your shoulders, thoughts of sex go out the window, and you find yourself wishing that you could become numb, click your fingers and everything would be all right. Its not, it never is, and it never happens like that
I feel sorry for my fiance for having to put up with me, and for him thinking I'm sane...I'm far from it.
*puts on Losing my Religion*...bad idea VERY bad idea. *ques up lithium while I consider if I should go see a shrink*
Its OK folks, you know its bad when I put on wires, although having said that I may put that on and start thinking about the family it reminds me of, which will no doubt be the next blog post..It goes from not doing one for ages to doing a 2 page one..go me! I need a hobby and a life! *goes off and raids drinks cabinet, comes back swigging bottle of brandy*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)