A Personal Sleight

So I decided that as my plans for this evening had been canceled, and as I still was in a bit of a manic mood and needed to dance to go out. I can fake confidence right?
So I decide to iron a particularly tight top, in a colour that I actually think I look good in. Just the right fit so it looks like I have pecs but not boobs. Jeans that actually fit and accentuate me and my leather jacket. I may straighten my hair but getting ready takes less time than it did to iron my shirt.
After a brief diversion to fill out the census I'm on my way, realising the train station is closed and so need to take another route. In the hot tube I start to sweat...and my straightened fringe decides to curl
I get to Piccadilly circus, and spend a good 15 mins watching a juggling act. Someone I almost aspire to be and who plies his trade beautifully. I had set out this evening to go get Chinese, with the vague hope of dancing, so off I trot to get Chinese...
Only by this time my appetite has gone, and I wander through Soho. Now for those of you that haven't been to Soho its full of people, camps, queens, bears and for some reason families showing off the gays to their kids. There are also always ppl giving out flyer's for free entry to clubs.
I walk past, watching the people in front get looked up and down and given a flyer and as I pass I see them giving me the look. Now today for once Im starting to feel fairly good I look ok today so expect to be given the flyer. The look goes from an examination to one of distaste.
4 years ago I used to be laden down, and now, I cant seem to get a single one. I know its a pretty substandard way of gauging my looks but hell it seems to work because I dont get a single admiratory glance from anyone around in Soho.Each time I pass a fresh flyer person, I notice the look...and it feels like a personal sleight Suddenly I feel more like an outsider as I realise that everywhere there are couples and triples of people. Little groups forming and I realise that I dont have it in me just to approach people with a "Hi im Joel, and you are". Its something I should have realised ive played this charade more than once. Most weekends are the same.
Everywhere I turn there are couples, heads nestled into necks and it makes me miss Seany. it also makes me miss that moment when you have met somone and the first cheeky kiss, a tentative light one just below the ear, normally a sigh as the touch disconnects.
I dont have any stomach for chinese, Im hungry but cant eat. I wander back to the tube station and come home, realising that yet again I have failed.