My little witch

Today, one of my best friends invades America. Im jealous and upset at the same time. There are a few people that just get me. Eddie is one of them, although it does help that he can read me like a book, hell the boy is probably reading my mind as I type. Eddie is somone that I only have to think "fuck it im having a bad day and want to kill somone" and he will appear saying, ok, have vodka and ciggies...whats up.

The boy has been a rock to me, especially recently and I have no idea how I will cope without him. But I will... ok we will just have to see what happens.

Actions speak louder than words, its a concept that my parents always drummed into me. For instance, I may say I love my other half, but if I dont show him, through even just little ways...then do I really love him? A few days ago, I was reminded of the friends episode where Monica and Pheobe try and cut out a friend. Again its actions, not talking/returning texts/visiting all means that actually when they say something to the effect of I still want you around, can you belive it? But then this all comes down to my strange sense of relationships.

Last night was the solstice, and Im a Witch. So I spent yesterday evening surrounded by salt, herbs and fire. It was nice to actually be able to pour out some things and just talk. Some people see prayer as an option, and yes it probably works, hell what I did last night for the majority of it was just a prayer with added theatrics. This morning however, things just feel ok. Im not too worroed about my people cutting me out, or my birthday (which is steadily going tits up). the sun is beautiful and everything just feels that there is a soft warm blanket around everyone. I love days like this, where there just seems to be balance and smiles. Yes airy fairy crap I know but stuff you lot, i think i deserve to be like this after the last few months

Finally today I got a message from the person I seem to have turned kinky. Bless him it took him 20 mins and he is now reffering to me as Master (without me telling or asking him to). its sweet, and always fun to see peoples change in mindsets. Of course its early days and I will have to see exactly how things pan out. Ive mentored enough young gay men (no that doesnt mean shag) to understand how things work.

Relationships

While walking to the train station, I always think of things I can write about...but by the time I get to the train I have been distracted (normally by...oooh cute!) and so forget what I wanted to talk about


I blame my relationships on my parents. Its common to hear people say that relationships have failed because parents butted in, or they were too like their parents. Me, im going down a different track.

I was brought up in a very strict upbringing, the parents were Jehovahs witnesses. One of the things that does actually make perfect sense to me is their definition of love. In hebrew, there are many different words for love (love between a man and his brother/mother/wife/donkey) hell pollyamoury is even in the bible. So I was brought up with these different concepts, admitadly I may have been missing something from my teaching if I thought it was trying to say polly relationships were ok but meh.

I bond quite quickly with people, i think this is a good thing. Im one of those kind of people who tries to find the good (while being bitchy of course, nice mix eh). And so when I find somone who I get along with well i form a bond. Normally of course this bond opens me up to greif but meh. The trouble comes when I find somone who is attractive, finds me attractive and I get along with. This tends to confuse people. I know you can love more than one person, infact most people will agree, even if it is when pressured, that they may have felt this at some point in time.

Luckily my other half realises that yes I may love others (be that friends or anyone else) but I am in love with him.

Dont worry fair reader...it confuses me too

Are you ok?

I was stopped today, by a friend I hadnt seen for a long time. Kimmy did the head on one side "but are you ok" bit. She had read my blogs and wondered if this really was the same Joel that she knew, writing these blogs about depression and all sorts of other things.

Well yes it is people. But just for her and the people that have been reading this and thinking what a miserable git I am. let me explain how I use the blogs. They are catharsis, they let me tell somone and no one things...things that would normally have an interruption if I tried telling a person. They arnt my whole life, they are just a small part of it, the things I want to get off my chest.

Our life has small bumps, ups and downs things that disrupt that nice happy state we all wish we were perpetually blanketed in. I wont write about the mediochre parts, there isnt any point...just the things that will make you laugh with possibly a tear in your eye.

I want this blog to become something that can be published after I die in a freak...well ill let you fill in the blanks there

Ive been thinking a lot about my family recently. There have been a couple of...events that happend recently that brought memories to the front of my brain, things I had buried for my own sake suddenly floating up to the surface again. I have a love hate relationship with my parents, admitadly I love them that bit more when they arnt here. Its difficult with family, everyone is a little bit different around their parents. Ive seen people that swear like a trooper, be as meek as a mouse around their mum. But for me its slightly different, and probably something I should explain another time.

Seeeeexual heeeeeaaaaling

I had quite a nice little blog typed ouyt, however...it seems I forgot to save it.

Cant remember how it went...something about magic and spending my lunch time talking to a woman in neils about magics.


I was bored on friday, and slightly meh. So I decided to see what eddie was doing. Shocked me to find out he was packing as he was moving flat and going to the states for 6 weeks.

So I went over, on the proviso that he would get me drunk. It was great to see him again, we hadnt spent that much time with each other recently, an not time just together. We sat, we chattted and downed what can only be called lethal...shame i didnt start on the absinthe...oh well.

Charlotte his flat mate, came in pissed..i threatend her with the goth makeup, and proceeded to make her look like a bad arminian goth. She then proceded to the drunk stage where you go "touch me touch me"...she wanted a massage, who was I to argue...after making the girl scream in agony/ecstasy she started to say about how she used to be healed.

I have done healing for a couple of years now, but only on close friends. Its something personal so i dont do it that much, but offered to help charlotte. After getting ready, placing my hands a few cm's away from her neck she asks if im touching her. "it feels like your stroking my neck, are you touching me" for about 20 mins eddie had to verify that actually I hadnt touched her at all...yet she could feel me stroking her neck and back.

It takes a lot out of you, I imediatly felt tired as hell and needing sleep, but was a good end to the evening. It set me wondering, should I start doing healing. actually practicing. Admitadly I have only ever done it ad hoc...but maybe it wont drain me as much if i use the right insence and crystals???

I started talking to somone on facebook...and damint ive done it again. Turned a perfectly normal boy kinky...how do I manage it... will just have to see how that works out too.

Just for the record karma is still being a bitch, we shall just see how it goes.

My bday is next weekend. There are 5 people I would love to celibrate it with, Seany is working, Chris is working, Eddie is in america, Stevie not sure and the other...again..not sure. This could turn out to be arsey again. I have never celibrated my bday because of family reasons. However now im over here, I would love to be able to start now. Its my 24th and has been just over a year since I have been in London. I may need to just celibrate it later. The annoying part, I had a nice evening planned at a cool club, but I cant spend the evening with my bf...not sure it would actually be worth it...thoughts?

Saturdays carnival

Saturday saw me heading to the festival of sins after a VERY long lie in. It was nice to spend some time with Seany, we hadnt been out for a LONG LONG time, and really needed to let our hair down...admitadly this was more a getting the straighteners out than a true letting of the hair down, but it did the trick.

Getting there late, yet sweet talking our way in for cheaper was great. On the way in having seen seanys face as I was about to step out of the house ready for my night made me, for his sake say...ok I will see you there. The poor boy was worried about the comments I would get from England fans. Admitadly I had my hair in a side parting (its mauve btw) tight to my head, mascara and eye liner, tight green pvc tank top, mesh top over it with a leather wrist cuff and baggy clubbing trousers on with boots. I could see his point but, fuck it like I cared what people said. I charged off in the determined stride that I have when im wearing something slightly out there...or boots. While there were some looks, no one shouted...course I had Poisin blaring in my ears...how would I know if they did...and I know I looked good that night.

The nigth was fun, it included double pole dancing (great fun seeing the second girl slip accidentally...ok woulda been more fun if she slipped onto something but meh) a transvestite with a sparkly lobster on her haid and 5 bears singing "Mein Bear".

Dj Dave Disaster however was one of the joint stars of the show. Flitting between old classics, some R@B, Rock, Drum and base and just mad mad tunes like the weebles. NEVER have I danced to the weebles, and I LOVED EVERY FUCKING SECOND.

The other star was Veronica Valentine, a porceline beauty of a burlesque act akin to Dita in stye. Her gluttony act was fantastic. After only being exposed...and yes i think the word exposed is accurate..to burlesque in the "form" of Miss Pink and Fluffy it was a nice supprise to see an act performed in such a way so it wasnt slutty but still seductive. Even Seany was turned on

The night ended (after walking around for about half an hour looking for the right stop) with us waiting at the bus stop. We were accompanied by a man, who I wanted to punch so much complaining about the Niggers guarding the doors, stating in His day they used to be shot...

Must...not...punch...old...dude...

Karma's a bitch but then so am I

Through my own neglect I lost somone recently (person A). Its no excuse but my mind is, as you all know fucked. Recently I have had a lot of things on it, and the poor bastard can only process one thing at a time (its like an ipad heavy, not that quick, crashes a lot and puts anyones arm to sleep who tries to hold it :P) I get distracted easily, it means that when I did receive a message off this person, I just forgot to reply. Its bad I know.

However Karma being the bitch she is has got her own back. About same time that I started to lose this person, somone else (person B) started to do the same thing. I would send a text, or two and get no reply. Im fairly certain they are going through something but obviously cant help. So I have started to see things from Person A's standpoint. The irony is, the cross over, hell if I didnt know better I would have thought this could have been Masterminded just to teach me a well deserved lesson.

As you may have seen, recently I havent blogged much...this is because I have been out getting a life. So today I shall try and catch up with as much as I can...in reverse.

I always used to go out on my own. london was my city, and it gave me all the confidence I needed to be able to go out on the town on my own. Ok, so I would never chat anyone up, but if somone came up and talked to me I wouldnt shy away in fear. So, as everyone was out, I decided to go for it and headed off to Soho after work. Dressed in my fav jeans with the tightest top I could manage so it showed off the fact I have lost weight without showing that I hadnt lost that much and a shirt over the top i wandered the length of soho looking at the sights and for a cheap night. After completing the length of soho with my shirt buttoned up, and not been offered a SINGLE free night I retraced my steps with my shurt unbuttoned. Supprisingly I was being given free enty to gay clubs within mins...no im not saying I have a fantastic body, just that most people think that you arnt gay unless your wearing a shirt so tight that it makes your pecs look like 2 iced buns with cherries on the top.

After making my way to Ku bar, i bought a drink and headed outside to smoke...trying to look that nice balance of not too lost yet adorable...yet falling for psychopathic and pervy I finally got talking to a group of people. By talking I mean that she pushed herself on me, grabed my hand and made me grope her within 5 mins. Shortly after as she was going to get another drink i found my neck being licked my cock being groped and my shirt being lifted...all in all a good night.

Later that evening after going homeI found myself making yet another large mistake...Wondering If infact I know those around me as well as i think I do, or infact myself. A stupid mistake that shouldnt have happend happend, and it only makes me sad to think about it.

However...you live and you learn...dont you?

Jedi skills failing

Aaaah Saturday, blessed Saturday..the day everyone waits for a marker that its the weekend... So what prey tell did I do with my day?

well my day went something like this. Wake up at 3 when my other half has to get up for work, surprisingly I fall back asleep. I then wake up before 8 a nice breakfast of toast and coffee...From then on I spend the next 7 hrs putting on 9 loads of washing, changing the bed cleaning the living room (removing 5 old takeaways in the process)and using the sticky de-linters to take off a thick film of dust that was on the lampshades.

As you may have guessed, when I start cycling (im bipolar) my mood flips quite drastically. I couldn't bear to look at the pile of washing (which in Seany's case is at least 9 months old) and it upset me that I had none of my clothes that actually make me look semi decent. Im also a strange mix of tired out of my mind and yet with so much energy I want to be at the Gym or sparring or SOMETHING. After yesterdays post, you all know I needed to do something with my weekend. THAT was not my idea of something. So when my boy came home (a little worse for wear, and after I had popped out to get him lucozade and oreos) I suggest going swimming. We find a place to go and some swimmers that actually fit.

Walking out of the house we spot the bus, and do the look that says "wanna run for it...nah" and continue to trudge along. 15 mins later manage to get the bus and sit behind Mavis, bless her, Mavis was 90 if she was a day and discussing Christmas cards. The ride takes half an hour, sun beaming through the window making my glasses slide down my nose with sweat. We finally get there, and my mood starts to pick up, I'm FINALLY getting a weekend I can do something with...when the nice lady says they are full to capacity...

Silencing poor Seany as he suggetsthing else to do with the eve, we trudge back to the station. The poor boy hasn't seen me like this before, and is using the tactics he would normally use with others on me...it doesn't work...i dont make small talk or talk for the sake of it, I introvert. Another hot sweaty ride (watching a rather convincing TS, who didn't actually have the fashion sense of a man dressing as a woman but a woman) and its like nothing has hap pend, and im back home. I decide to bake, and watch Die Hard, noticing that Seany is still trying to make small talk, but somethings not right.

My jedi like skills obviously failing me, as when I get to bed I find out whats wrong. For the first time in months Seany didnt sense me there with him, I was distant. So apparently the thing that's keeping my boys sanity afloat is me...but whats going to keep mine afloat?

This morning sees me waking up looking at all the clean clothes i need to fold, the washing that needs to be done the plans that have failed and despairing.

YAY for weekends.

The day aftrer

The day after is the hardest ever. For those of you who have just joined me, shame on you!! You missed insitefull parts about me (yeah right) and of course the news that I had an interview yesterday.

Sitting back at that desk sliding into the seat knowing that there may just be, somehow a possibility that I wont be doing this for the rest of my life. I work as a receptionist, yes I paint my nails at the desk and put people who I dont like on hold...its part of the job. I like my job, I have fun people I work with, Ayo is almost as big a bitch as me, and is generally fab she makes the day go so much faster. However, its a job not a career, and while slating peoples clothes off in between calls may be fun, its hardly fulfilling.

So I await the news, the news that may or may not signify my return to a career, a career I left about a year ago. With baited breath and trepadation I need to wait out the next few days, and see what will happen.

My life will change either way: If I dont get it then I will have to re-evaluate the situation and what I want to do. If I do get it then, while more work (not nescesarily a bad thing) I will have a career, some spending money and some security. Its far easier to go back to banking if you dont have a year gap doing a dead end job.

So I wait. I will be waiting and trying to fill my time. I'm awfull at weekends. I look forward to them with baited breath but then when the time comes I have absolutly no idea as to what to do with them> the same things happen each, week each month...

This weekend, I need to break the mold. My boy is working, but I will find things to do...Hell I need something to fill my life with :P

My mind is working its way overtime. Inside I'm sure you would find a game show wheel, and a passable assistant. "Annnnd our lovely assistant will give the wheel a spin and see what you will feel like", (assistant spins wheel putting her hip into it, eyes the camera and makes a movement with her mouth that looks familiar to fellatio) "OK so you are going to feel jealous!!". And that's how I feel, with no reason why, not jealous about anything in particular just feel it...and 5 mins later its something completely different. I seem to be like the English weather, changeable and anything and everything can go through my mind in an hour.

Seems I'm not going out tonight, so...housework it is...I'm sure cleaning will help and wont make me want to strangle people or run out into the night rambling with my sword...right?

Sparkly purple elephant

So today saw me sitting in front of the rather posh...ok...VERY POSH building. Today saw the interview that may just see me having a CAREER!!!!

Walking up to the glass front of the building, brings me face to face with a 4 ft high pink elephant covered in diamante and pearls (first person to say fitting gets it)

Greeted by a man wearing a 3 piece tails suit and top hat, and asked to stand near the internal forrest with a koi pond in the middle. Not at all imposing, really puts you at ease...honest

Luckily that passed and I eased into the interview. Right 3 tests, must pass in order to get an interview. OK I can do this! Test 1, half an hour of explanation (which took me 10 mins to actually get the hang of) and no one has ever completed the test in the half hour...And...Their off!!

So after finishing the first page of questions (there is a book, it tells you how to do things you just need to remember the process)I peek around to see how others are getting along and then have to stifle a "your on the SECOND QUESTION?".

10 mins later and I have completed the second page, a further 5 and I am halfway down the last page... and then the doubt sets in. "What if I'm only storming through this because I'm missing out steps", "should I go back and check them or try and finish the rest?" and "what is Pythagorean theory again?" this and the flicking backwards and forwards takes a few moments, until I decide to go for it. If I start to recheck then I will just cock it up...LETS BEAT THIS TEST, I will be the only person in his 40 years of training to complete this!!

I say this as the the invigilator comes in and says "2 mins left!" CRAP. A furious 2 mins of working things out means that I get to within 2 points of the end of the test! A prideful me says after Andy asks "has anyone completed it?", "Nearly only 2 points off doing it!!"

"But, did you get them right"...SHIT...I dunno!

De-flowering the virgin

Having decided to jump on the band wagon and start a blog myself (yes I know, im a sheep) I wondered what it was I should write about. My boy likes to sit down and just type, see what it is that flows from his fingers. And hes good, very good, yesterdays blog would have touched the hardest of hearts. Admittedly it may also have made a few sane people cry and wonder about what passes for a relationship in this day and age but meh. It works for us.

I digress...you may find me doing that a lot, you may also find that my spelling isnt great(sorry if I forget to spell check) or that my grammar is awful but then I just write as if I am talking and punctuation is for pussies *trails off*...ok I will try.

I have been thinking about blogging for a while, and each time I consider it is just after reading the newspaper in the morning. Each morning I read the free newspapers that are given out accross London. each morning I find something to contest too. This morning I was reading an article in the Stylist (Issue 32) on depression. It linked in with my thoughts I had this morning.

The article in question was on depression. For once, it was an article that seemed fair and well thought out. I tend to find that normally any articles on mental health are one sided, and normally bring my BP up and make me go red with rage.

The line in question was "Depression is neurotoxic. By suppressing levels of a key neural growth hormone (BDNF), the disorder leads to an eventual death of neurons in critical memory and reasoning areas of the brain. Simply put: depression causes brain damage." Oh thats just great...I may as well kill myself now!!

I have (as any of you that know me will know) suffered from depression since I was little. It was a culmination of factors that caused this, genetics, my surroundings and myself...whatever the cause I had it for many a year.

This morning while in bed, I was wondering if everyones head feels the way I do. Its not so much fuzzy, as every thought has to try and act like a shoal of small fish...my brain wont quite work till enough of them are facing in the right direction and flashing whatever oncoming terror trying to make out its a shark. There are moments, whole days in fact where I feel numb. Yes I still have basic human emotion, yes I will emote to you if you are having a bad day, if you trip over and hurt yourself or call me to say you are about to jump (don't laugh has happened).

However I still feel numb. I can see that I am heading into a patch of "numbness". Its like a divide, my brain knows how I feel about some people, it just does'nt tell me how to FEEL...actually not strictly true, certain people my brain just gives up and starts making a that annoying beeping sound and sends out a little paperclip avatar to try and send help.

I wonder if people feel the same as me, does everyone go through regular patches of this, is this just me, am I ill...or have I just killed of a very specific part of my brain?

For the large part, those who suffer with depression don't seek help. You will get those who go straight for the Prozac, and as a generalisation those are the ones that confuse the blues with deep down depression. Those that I have seen who have nigh on crippling depression don't immediately seek help, they struggle on, they try and deal however they can with whatever systems they can find. The stigma that is attached to mental health binds these people in such a way that they don't believe they can seek help without becoming a pariah. The statistics show that those who are clinically depressed are rising, does this also mean that there will be an increased amount of people feeling emotionally comatose due to drugs or finding out that actually there are issues later in life due to the depression they thought they had successfully battled years ago?

Either way I'm sure I will find out soon enough. General rant over.

Personal life. well...as I stated, I'm becoming more and more numb, I could sense it when my bf asked me a simple question today, not only could I not answer it, form a debate/conclusion/reasoning pattern...just couldn't do anything...welcome to the section of my life where I find myself stuck in the dairy isle for half an hour wondering what type of cheese to buy. I have an interview tomorrow, this should be interesting:

"So, why do you want this job?"

"Err....I...err....Cheddar?"

This could all go horribly wrong!