As most of you will also know I am looking for a pet. By pet I do not mean a cat or a dog but a boy. I am a Master, I own my slaveboy, who I love. My boy also has his own pet, who I love and help look after. With the addition of Ben (Seanys pet) to our lives has made us so much happier and content. Ben is PERFECT for Seany, he is infact a little version of Seany with the same mannerisms as him and kinks...its actually very sweet to see.
I have been searching for pets for years, and have had an end view in mind for a good 7 years. A kinky family, a poly amorous situation which is more in line with a hippy commune but It works. Seany searched for a pet for about 6 months or so, and now he has Ben, but the more I search the less I find. Now that I am engaged people view me with total suspicion, see me as a seedy partner who is just wanting to fuck around, without actually letting me explain myself.
Yes I am a Master, but not in the porn films or CSI sense. I do not (contrary to popular belief) walk around in leather trousers the whole time, and demand that the boys sit in the corner of the room not facing me. In fact its a caring position, the Master should look after the boy, should train him up and encourage him to be the best he can. The boy is a companion and friend as well...and should respect the Master and know that he only has the boys best interest in mind. That is what I need, a boy that I can look after and train up from scratch. Boys that will need me that will want me to guide them. Ideally I see a couple of boys, with everyone being happy and content with each other. The problem is finding people that will understand that.
When talking to people on a kink site, you get those that just want a quick shag...which doesn't interest me. Or you get the people who believe that they are scum and should not be allowed to look at the Master ect...which as you can probably tell doesn't quite fit with me. Also... I don't really want a slut who has fucked around most of the gay population of London, I hate that moment when you see someone you know who you are attracted too..and then find out everyone in the room has fucked them...it turns me right off.
When I say to people that this is what I need, they generally think I am just being greedy, and don't think I am happy with what I have, think that by me needing this i am belittling the relationship that I have with Seany and normally wont recognise the relationship I have with Ben.
I would like to categorically state now, that I love Seany and Ben completely. Seany is my fiance, which for someone like me who wont plan for the future, the statement that he is my fiance should show just how much I love him. Ben has made both Seany and I so much happier, and adds completion to our lives, Seany's especially. Now I just need to find my version. I have been waiting for so long, I'm not prepared to take second best, I need to find someone who is as perfect for me as Ben is for Seany
The problem is that when I see someone that is attractive I have to do the math. The population in England is roughly 61 Million, of them there are aprox 1.5 to 2 Million gay men, then of those we have to see how many gay men there are. If I take the amouth of people that are on recon as a rough guide that means that there are a few thousand spread over the uk, then if I take out the...over 30s for instance that will cut it by 2 thirds...As you can see its rapidly reducing the chances of me meeting someone who is cute, attracted to me and kinky in the real world.
This means that I am kinda stuck to one of 2 options. Either I use Recon, slaveboys, gaydar or I use a tranquiliser gun and net. I have tried option one and that doesn't seem to work. i have met the occasional genuine guy, who is nice and not an utter twat. But the majority of them seem to be guys that chat, that make a connection and then get afraid or just decide to fuck off. I have lost count of the amount of guys that have done that.
So instead I think I am going to go down to the armoury, and get me a tranq gun. I have a net, I have cuffs...Just need to find someone who wont struggle too much!
Or there is an option 3, anyone reading this gonna take pity on me?...scrap that pity sucks.
More on the family situation later
Saturday 23 April 2011
The death of my social life
A bank holiday weekend. Hurrah I hear you cry. We have a few extra days off work...yes yes we do. Although for me while I also have the sense of OH THANK HOLY GOD I'm not in work, I also have the dread of, what am I going to do.
As you, dear reader, may have noticed I am trying to widen my social circle. Which is harder than it seems. As someone who has spent most of his adult life on the Internet and not gone out its difficult to teach yourself when your 24. When I was younger, I used the Internet as a way of hiding, making friends in places where they wouldn't know me, and couldn't spread my secret. And that was a substitute for actual physical friends.
Now that I am in London I want people to go around with, someone to take me to the little known place that's off this street. In London you either need to wander around and be lucky or have a guide to show you the really interesting places. And if you are going to some of these, you need someone to experience them with.
But how do you go about and find these people, London is a lonely city in that if you talk to anyone you don't know...they are suspicious.
So now, I have 3 days, where I don't know what to do. How do you go about getting new friends, without being introduced to existing friends friends. Isn't that how you extend your circle of friends? Even though I for the most part managed to give off a sense of confidence in public places, I am and have always been shy. I learnt to fake this confidence after having panic attacks when I was younger. But that doesn't mean I am actually confident to go over and say hi to someone...
I have always dealt with my self confidence issues with music. I am ALWAYS plugged into my iPhone. I will always have music on me if I am going to be around on my own, this also doesn't help as people ant likely to actually say hello if I am plugged into my music.
So, I'm basically fucked lol....err...Anyone wanna go for a drink?
As you, dear reader, may have noticed I am trying to widen my social circle. Which is harder than it seems. As someone who has spent most of his adult life on the Internet and not gone out its difficult to teach yourself when your 24. When I was younger, I used the Internet as a way of hiding, making friends in places where they wouldn't know me, and couldn't spread my secret. And that was a substitute for actual physical friends.
Now that I am in London I want people to go around with, someone to take me to the little known place that's off this street. In London you either need to wander around and be lucky or have a guide to show you the really interesting places. And if you are going to some of these, you need someone to experience them with.
But how do you go about and find these people, London is a lonely city in that if you talk to anyone you don't know...they are suspicious.
So now, I have 3 days, where I don't know what to do. How do you go about getting new friends, without being introduced to existing friends friends. Isn't that how you extend your circle of friends? Even though I for the most part managed to give off a sense of confidence in public places, I am and have always been shy. I learnt to fake this confidence after having panic attacks when I was younger. But that doesn't mean I am actually confident to go over and say hi to someone...
I have always dealt with my self confidence issues with music. I am ALWAYS plugged into my iPhone. I will always have music on me if I am going to be around on my own, this also doesn't help as people ant likely to actually say hello if I am plugged into my music.
So, I'm basically fucked lol....err...Anyone wanna go for a drink?
Friday 22 April 2011
THIS MEANS WAR
As you saw I set out a few different tasks for myself. One of them was to hoop, which I can now do the other was to progress in my job a bit better. I feel that I am being overlooked and that just leaves me feeling bored.
I decided to set out a friendly email to my Manager. Basically stating where I thought I was at, what we had decided we would do...and an update as to why that wasn't the case.
I got asked to wait until my meeting which she scheduled for 3 days time. The day after I sent the email she went on holiday for a week ¬¬ I
I decided to do some investigating. Found out that there was no good reason for my accreditation not to have been completed, that I had been "misinformed" about the prerequisites for the additional tasks I wanted and basically people thought I was doing well.
This has made me EVEN more determined to get the result I want. I know what I am capable of and I know that if i don't chase down the position I want I will become tired bored and make silly silly mistakes.
Watch this space
I decided to set out a friendly email to my Manager. Basically stating where I thought I was at, what we had decided we would do...and an update as to why that wasn't the case.
I got asked to wait until my meeting which she scheduled for 3 days time. The day after I sent the email she went on holiday for a week ¬¬ I
I decided to do some investigating. Found out that there was no good reason for my accreditation not to have been completed, that I had been "misinformed" about the prerequisites for the additional tasks I wanted and basically people thought I was doing well.
This has made me EVEN more determined to get the result I want. I know what I am capable of and I know that if i don't chase down the position I want I will become tired bored and make silly silly mistakes.
Watch this space
The start of a social life
So this is going to be a few days blogs all in one go.
As you probably saw last time I was feeling socially starved. I had not managed to do anything over the weekend and had seen no one...with exception of Seany for about 10 mins each morning where hes not quite alive.
So I managed to cajole and bully somone into having coffee on Sunday. It was nice, I was finally meeting somone new and actually using my social skills...which have been somewhat lacking tbh. I had a few of my fav ciders at the porqupine and all was good...It may also mean i will be going to a my big fat gypsy wedding club night. Which can only be good!
Monday during the day I was getting messages from a guy I had been chatting to on grndr. He was trying to get me to go to the local gymbox with him to work out...which wasnt going to happen. I know I may be stronger than I look and can hold down people that..well you wouldnt think I should be able to but I knew I would make a cock of myself if I went. I finally agreed to going and having coffee because from his profile pic he looked kinda cute.
I got home showered changed and unfortunatly made the mistake of running round Westfield before meeting him...rooky mistake. Turning up at the designated coffee shop, being greeted by the woman asking me where I wanted to sit and seing her face when i pointed to the guy that was waiting for me was priceless.
Awaiting me was, imagine if you will, a twenty something blond haired, blue eyed, tanned man in a suit that accentuated his muscles and skin tone. In short he was FUCKING GORGEOUS. The kind of person that you stop take a deep breath and turn round to look at again when they walk past.
Sitting there chatting to him was interesting, hes not the normal kind of person that I would go for but there was something intruiging about him...plus..SO HOT
Walking otu and saying goodbye, a quick hug, and it hit me...that butterfly feeling in the pit of your stomach. The one where you start to run through the meet and think "did I make a twat of myself" or even if I should bother trying anything.
I had set out to have a little excitment in my life, to feel that buzz that rush and I had got it over the past 2 nights. I was happy with myself. I dont do well meeting people for the first time even though I do have the craving to meet new people. Both of those times I had felt sick to my stomach at the thought of having to talk to what are effectivly strangers. I can only feel grateful that I didnt know just how hot the other guy was....If I had....
On Wednesday I bought a hula hoop. A propper large weighted hoop. And a few other toys. I spent most of the day actually hooping, staffing or twirling my poi in the park. It was nice it allows me to relax and let rip. I have yet been unable to find any good fuel for my fire.
On a separate note, the guy that works in odballs..short Rihanna red hair and tats mmmmmmmmmmmmm *drools*
As you probably saw last time I was feeling socially starved. I had not managed to do anything over the weekend and had seen no one...with exception of Seany for about 10 mins each morning where hes not quite alive.
So I managed to cajole and bully somone into having coffee on Sunday. It was nice, I was finally meeting somone new and actually using my social skills...which have been somewhat lacking tbh. I had a few of my fav ciders at the porqupine and all was good...It may also mean i will be going to a my big fat gypsy wedding club night. Which can only be good!
Monday during the day I was getting messages from a guy I had been chatting to on grndr. He was trying to get me to go to the local gymbox with him to work out...which wasnt going to happen. I know I may be stronger than I look and can hold down people that..well you wouldnt think I should be able to but I knew I would make a cock of myself if I went. I finally agreed to going and having coffee because from his profile pic he looked kinda cute.
I got home showered changed and unfortunatly made the mistake of running round Westfield before meeting him...rooky mistake. Turning up at the designated coffee shop, being greeted by the woman asking me where I wanted to sit and seing her face when i pointed to the guy that was waiting for me was priceless.
Awaiting me was, imagine if you will, a twenty something blond haired, blue eyed, tanned man in a suit that accentuated his muscles and skin tone. In short he was FUCKING GORGEOUS. The kind of person that you stop take a deep breath and turn round to look at again when they walk past.
Sitting there chatting to him was interesting, hes not the normal kind of person that I would go for but there was something intruiging about him...plus..SO HOT
Walking otu and saying goodbye, a quick hug, and it hit me...that butterfly feeling in the pit of your stomach. The one where you start to run through the meet and think "did I make a twat of myself" or even if I should bother trying anything.
I had set out to have a little excitment in my life, to feel that buzz that rush and I had got it over the past 2 nights. I was happy with myself. I dont do well meeting people for the first time even though I do have the craving to meet new people. Both of those times I had felt sick to my stomach at the thought of having to talk to what are effectivly strangers. I can only feel grateful that I didnt know just how hot the other guy was....If I had....
On Wednesday I bought a hula hoop. A propper large weighted hoop. And a few other toys. I spent most of the day actually hooping, staffing or twirling my poi in the park. It was nice it allows me to relax and let rip. I have yet been unable to find any good fuel for my fire.
On a separate note, the guy that works in odballs..short Rihanna red hair and tats mmmmmmmmmmmmm *drools*
Saturday 16 April 2011
A Personal Sleight
So I decided that as my plans for this evening had been canceled, and as I still was in a bit of a manic mood and needed to dance to go out. I can fake confidence right?
So I decide to iron a particularly tight top, in a colour that I actually think I look good in. Just the right fit so it looks like I have pecs but not boobs. Jeans that actually fit and accentuate me and my leather jacket. I may straighten my hair but getting ready takes less time than it did to iron my shirt.
After a brief diversion to fill out the census I'm on my way, realising the train station is closed and so need to take another route. In the hot tube I start to sweat...and my straightened fringe decides to curl
I get to Piccadilly circus, and spend a good 15 mins watching a juggling act. Someone I almost aspire to be and who plies his trade beautifully. I had set out this evening to go get Chinese, with the vague hope of dancing, so off I trot to get Chinese...
Only by this time my appetite has gone, and I wander through Soho. Now for those of you that haven't been to Soho its full of people, camps, queens, bears and for some reason families showing off the gays to their kids. There are also always ppl giving out flyer's for free entry to clubs.
I walk past, watching the people in front get looked up and down and given a flyer and as I pass I see them giving me the look. Now today for once Im starting to feel fairly good I look ok today so expect to be given the flyer. The look goes from an examination to one of distaste.
4 years ago I used to be laden down, and now, I cant seem to get a single one. I know its a pretty substandard way of gauging my looks but hell it seems to work because I dont get a single admiratory glance from anyone around in Soho.Each time I pass a fresh flyer person, I notice the look...and it feels like a personal sleight Suddenly I feel more like an outsider as I realise that everywhere there are couples and triples of people. Little groups forming and I realise that I dont have it in me just to approach people with a "Hi im Joel, and you are". Its something I should have realised ive played this charade more than once. Most weekends are the same.
Everywhere I turn there are couples, heads nestled into necks and it makes me miss Seany. it also makes me miss that moment when you have met somone and the first cheeky kiss, a tentative light one just below the ear, normally a sigh as the touch disconnects.
I dont have any stomach for chinese, Im hungry but cant eat. I wander back to the tube station and come home, realising that yet again I have failed.
So I decide to iron a particularly tight top, in a colour that I actually think I look good in. Just the right fit so it looks like I have pecs but not boobs. Jeans that actually fit and accentuate me and my leather jacket. I may straighten my hair but getting ready takes less time than it did to iron my shirt.
After a brief diversion to fill out the census I'm on my way, realising the train station is closed and so need to take another route. In the hot tube I start to sweat...and my straightened fringe decides to curl
I get to Piccadilly circus, and spend a good 15 mins watching a juggling act. Someone I almost aspire to be and who plies his trade beautifully. I had set out this evening to go get Chinese, with the vague hope of dancing, so off I trot to get Chinese...
Only by this time my appetite has gone, and I wander through Soho. Now for those of you that haven't been to Soho its full of people, camps, queens, bears and for some reason families showing off the gays to their kids. There are also always ppl giving out flyer's for free entry to clubs.
I walk past, watching the people in front get looked up and down and given a flyer and as I pass I see them giving me the look. Now today for once Im starting to feel fairly good I look ok today so expect to be given the flyer. The look goes from an examination to one of distaste.
4 years ago I used to be laden down, and now, I cant seem to get a single one. I know its a pretty substandard way of gauging my looks but hell it seems to work because I dont get a single admiratory glance from anyone around in Soho.Each time I pass a fresh flyer person, I notice the look...and it feels like a personal sleight Suddenly I feel more like an outsider as I realise that everywhere there are couples and triples of people. Little groups forming and I realise that I dont have it in me just to approach people with a "Hi im Joel, and you are". Its something I should have realised ive played this charade more than once. Most weekends are the same.
Everywhere I turn there are couples, heads nestled into necks and it makes me miss Seany. it also makes me miss that moment when you have met somone and the first cheeky kiss, a tentative light one just below the ear, normally a sigh as the touch disconnects.
I dont have any stomach for chinese, Im hungry but cant eat. I wander back to the tube station and come home, realising that yet again I have failed.
Sun Tzu Joel
This my friends and readers (or reader possibly) will be a first for a while, a not wholly moany blog.
Today I worked, on a Saturday...yes that's not something that's conducive to a happy Saturday but meh...however, it actually helped. The day started with dealing with the leftovers of a shouty person that I had spoken to the night previous. Who said...."your not acting like Coutts, more like Natwest"...Which I take as a HUGE insult...I NEVER worked for Natwest...I worked for RBS for 4 years.
I was sure this person was going to come back and bite me, so in the morning I needed to come and try and put things right. While fixing that, a potential slave I had had an on and off thing with basically said thanks but no thanks...That I had taught him a lot...but I wasn't what he needed
The craving for a fag hit...but I sorted out everything that was needed with the Client. When this particular Client had called through, I was ready to hand my notice in if someone had said it was my fault. Instead a few hours later I found out that the person looking at the case thought I had handled the situation perfectly, that there was nothing I could of done and was respectful the whole time. To be fair, I didn't think that was quite true as I thought I had made a sarcastic comment but meh...I wasn't complaining! For lunch I had Mexican, it was the best thing I had eaten in ages. It was at that point that I realised, ACTUALLY, I was having more fun, more social interaction than if I was off work...and I was earning money.
Slightly sad that I was having more fun at work than if I was off on a weekend? I think so
The day ended up with me talking to an old hand at work. Someone who let me into a few secrets. Who made me realise actually I was doing as well if not better than those who had been put on training schemes and progressed. She made me realise things that I had told others, how to progress...To treat work as a game of chess every move carefully thought out and working at least 3 ahead. As everyone who knows me knows...I love strategising and being in control. I don't like the fact I'm being overlooked...and so..that means I wont be
Joel the warcheif comes into play, the person who can talk to people and get them on his side and who will play all sides...certain ppl wont know whats hit them
I however have a feeling this may not be my only blog tonight...
Today I worked, on a Saturday...yes that's not something that's conducive to a happy Saturday but meh...however, it actually helped. The day started with dealing with the leftovers of a shouty person that I had spoken to the night previous. Who said...."your not acting like Coutts, more like Natwest"...Which I take as a HUGE insult...I NEVER worked for Natwest...I worked for RBS for 4 years.
I was sure this person was going to come back and bite me, so in the morning I needed to come and try and put things right. While fixing that, a potential slave I had had an on and off thing with basically said thanks but no thanks...That I had taught him a lot...but I wasn't what he needed
The craving for a fag hit...but I sorted out everything that was needed with the Client. When this particular Client had called through, I was ready to hand my notice in if someone had said it was my fault. Instead a few hours later I found out that the person looking at the case thought I had handled the situation perfectly, that there was nothing I could of done and was respectful the whole time. To be fair, I didn't think that was quite true as I thought I had made a sarcastic comment but meh...I wasn't complaining! For lunch I had Mexican, it was the best thing I had eaten in ages. It was at that point that I realised, ACTUALLY, I was having more fun, more social interaction than if I was off work...and I was earning money.
Slightly sad that I was having more fun at work than if I was off on a weekend? I think so
The day ended up with me talking to an old hand at work. Someone who let me into a few secrets. Who made me realise actually I was doing as well if not better than those who had been put on training schemes and progressed. She made me realise things that I had told others, how to progress...To treat work as a game of chess every move carefully thought out and working at least 3 ahead. As everyone who knows me knows...I love strategising and being in control. I don't like the fact I'm being overlooked...and so..that means I wont be
Joel the warcheif comes into play, the person who can talk to people and get them on his side and who will play all sides...certain ppl wont know whats hit them
I however have a feeling this may not be my only blog tonight...
Friday 15 April 2011
One is the lonliest number
WARNING, this is a venting, not a look at me I'm sad for your own good do not pity me. In fact if anything its me highlighting my faults so I can fix them
So tonight is Friday night, and what am I doing? Well im sat here in my tracksuit trousers after doing a particularly exerting staff kata outside....and that is the total sum of any plans for my weekend.
I can never seem to make a descision about what to do on weekends. There are never any of my friends around, or if they are they conflict/dont have cash/dont want to do anything.
Tonight I am in the mood to dance, I want to let off some steam (not get drunk, I dont need to drink and I have work tomorrow) I want to do something different, I want to meet new people and make new friends. Seany seems to collect people off twitter and other sites, yet myself...well suffice to say I end up meeting the creeps not the keepers.
When I came to London I was fearless. I would wander round soho on my own and talk to randomers...admitadly it didnt do me that much good but I had a few good evenings. Now I know that if I am not careful all my young years will be spend caccooned watching tv and not doing 'owt (yes I just said 'owt ive known Seany too long) I seem to have become complaicent, which is something I cant wholely contribute to my bipolar but it doesnt help that I dont make descisions easily.
So this weekend, like every weekend I make the same pledge to myself. To tart myself up, try and look semi-passable and decide where to go and to do something...
What in reality is going to happen is Im going to shower, change into something and then wander around central London for a bit..occasionally being asked for change by homless ppl..which will be the sole human interaction I have.
I have hundreds of people on my facebook, twitter and MSN...and my well meaning friends try to convince me I'm loved by one and all...yet every weekend is like this.
On other notes me trying to hula-hoop is akin to a spastic horse....it didnt go well...perserverance and all I know but im far better with a staff.
On other other notes, I decided to get poi, didnt look at them properly, got them out at home to realise they are in majority...pink...GREAT
Music for today shall be trance to try and put myself in dancing mood...*toddles off for a shower*
So tonight is Friday night, and what am I doing? Well im sat here in my tracksuit trousers after doing a particularly exerting staff kata outside....and that is the total sum of any plans for my weekend.
I can never seem to make a descision about what to do on weekends. There are never any of my friends around, or if they are they conflict/dont have cash/dont want to do anything.
Tonight I am in the mood to dance, I want to let off some steam (not get drunk, I dont need to drink and I have work tomorrow) I want to do something different, I want to meet new people and make new friends. Seany seems to collect people off twitter and other sites, yet myself...well suffice to say I end up meeting the creeps not the keepers.
When I came to London I was fearless. I would wander round soho on my own and talk to randomers...admitadly it didnt do me that much good but I had a few good evenings. Now I know that if I am not careful all my young years will be spend caccooned watching tv and not doing 'owt (yes I just said 'owt ive known Seany too long) I seem to have become complaicent, which is something I cant wholely contribute to my bipolar but it doesnt help that I dont make descisions easily.
So this weekend, like every weekend I make the same pledge to myself. To tart myself up, try and look semi-passable and decide where to go and to do something...
What in reality is going to happen is Im going to shower, change into something and then wander around central London for a bit..occasionally being asked for change by homless ppl..which will be the sole human interaction I have.
I have hundreds of people on my facebook, twitter and MSN...and my well meaning friends try to convince me I'm loved by one and all...yet every weekend is like this.
On other notes me trying to hula-hoop is akin to a spastic horse....it didnt go well...perserverance and all I know but im far better with a staff.
On other other notes, I decided to get poi, didnt look at them properly, got them out at home to realise they are in majority...pink...GREAT
Music for today shall be trance to try and put myself in dancing mood...*toddles off for a shower*
Wednesday 13 April 2011
Catharsis
My mind is a strange thing, as I expect are most peoples if they will but let onto it.
I can either liken my mind to an onion, lots of layers, most offensive to one or multiple senses and others likely to make you cry, or at this moment in time the better metaphor is of a ball of string. Once I start to pull at a thread more starts to unravel.
Last night as you may have guessed I needed a little bit of a cathartic breakdown, a spilling of words so that blood was not...and lets not be silly about it, it wouldn't of been my blood that would have been spilled.
However, today it leaves me with a wanting to finish what was started. A need to cleanse myself and get rid of the bad, enjoy the life I have and to accept the things that have gone wrong. I know I'm blessed, i made the cut, I moved out I have my life and while its not perfect its better than most.
I have always had great self control, over things that mattered. In my mind I used up all my self control years ago. So now, I don't have the get and up and go to do things, I'm putting on weight not as out going because of it and will NEVER realise the dream I have if I don't put myself to task. Unfortunately the mental fog that is my mind is kind of hard to burn through...
However I feel that now I should try and actually deal with the things that plague me and move on, gain closure...I feel like an adult...:(
And I think I'm going to try and blog as much of it as possible, to make sure that this is logged so I can see where I have come from and what I have done. My mind blanks out so much of what has happened, it forgets things so easily. I have only a one or 2 years memory, like a very smart goldfish...Most of my earlier years are blocked away and hidden, the good and the bad locked and unable to be accessed. So I would like to be able to show the journey I've had. It may also help people understand me a little better, because lets face it, some of this shit I ain't going to talk about!
I like my job, yes its challenging at times and like everyone I have moments where I would be rather anywhere than there. But I like a job where I can immerse myself, get caught up in the task at hand and not have to think about whats going on with myself. As you may have guessed compartmentalising is one of my greatest skills, and yes it means that I can hide away parts of my mind, but it also means I don't let my personal feelings affect my job. That could be the fact I want to commit suicide and mass genocide, and probably wouldn't be thinking straight enough to work out that is the wrong way around to do it, or because the last call was a cunt.
My other skills are that I can pick up on systems really really easily, and can teach people effectively while making sure they do what I want...Business life and home life crossing over there somewhat but anyway. This was the reason why I told my boss that I wanted to be a Subject Matter Expert on a new system that was being brought in. Instead she picked someone who is still too scared of the last new system she was given. I know it shouldn't have, but it felt like a personal snub.
I shouldn't take it as one, the Manager I have is new (she has only just reached the level I was 4 years ago...damn this move to London) and she is a little forgetful. While I was used to having someone who wanted to develop me, and progress my career, I realise now I need to do the hard work myself.
Unfortunately this may mean a transitional period for me, one where I hide the little bit of alternative and one of a kind me during work. One where I am always well dressed and well presented, where I watch my words and find that talent I used to have of saying EXACTLY the right thing to the right person. Frustrating as it may be, as of next week I need to be a slightly different person during work...I have if nothing else the killer instinct where I WILL WIN. I went through a similar period during the last career, and it didn't turn out all that bad.
Other areas I need to improve
- Health, I need to become more flexible and fitter I will need FAR better core strenght
- I will learn to dance, I want to learn to pole dance as well as just be able to move properly
- I need to get better with my fire, Its been a while since Ive practiced
- I need to learn to hula hoop....cos itl help these child bearing hips...AND i wanna do fire hoop!!!
That is all for today, I'm glad it wasn't as heavy today, my keyboard couldn't have survived a deluge today!
Until tomorrow, or when I can be bothered next
I can either liken my mind to an onion, lots of layers, most offensive to one or multiple senses and others likely to make you cry, or at this moment in time the better metaphor is of a ball of string. Once I start to pull at a thread more starts to unravel.
Last night as you may have guessed I needed a little bit of a cathartic breakdown, a spilling of words so that blood was not...and lets not be silly about it, it wouldn't of been my blood that would have been spilled.
However, today it leaves me with a wanting to finish what was started. A need to cleanse myself and get rid of the bad, enjoy the life I have and to accept the things that have gone wrong. I know I'm blessed, i made the cut, I moved out I have my life and while its not perfect its better than most.
I have always had great self control, over things that mattered. In my mind I used up all my self control years ago. So now, I don't have the get and up and go to do things, I'm putting on weight not as out going because of it and will NEVER realise the dream I have if I don't put myself to task. Unfortunately the mental fog that is my mind is kind of hard to burn through...
However I feel that now I should try and actually deal with the things that plague me and move on, gain closure...I feel like an adult...:(
And I think I'm going to try and blog as much of it as possible, to make sure that this is logged so I can see where I have come from and what I have done. My mind blanks out so much of what has happened, it forgets things so easily. I have only a one or 2 years memory, like a very smart goldfish...Most of my earlier years are blocked away and hidden, the good and the bad locked and unable to be accessed. So I would like to be able to show the journey I've had. It may also help people understand me a little better, because lets face it, some of this shit I ain't going to talk about!
I like my job, yes its challenging at times and like everyone I have moments where I would be rather anywhere than there. But I like a job where I can immerse myself, get caught up in the task at hand and not have to think about whats going on with myself. As you may have guessed compartmentalising is one of my greatest skills, and yes it means that I can hide away parts of my mind, but it also means I don't let my personal feelings affect my job. That could be the fact I want to commit suicide and mass genocide, and probably wouldn't be thinking straight enough to work out that is the wrong way around to do it, or because the last call was a cunt.
My other skills are that I can pick up on systems really really easily, and can teach people effectively while making sure they do what I want...Business life and home life crossing over there somewhat but anyway. This was the reason why I told my boss that I wanted to be a Subject Matter Expert on a new system that was being brought in. Instead she picked someone who is still too scared of the last new system she was given. I know it shouldn't have, but it felt like a personal snub.
I shouldn't take it as one, the Manager I have is new (she has only just reached the level I was 4 years ago...damn this move to London) and she is a little forgetful. While I was used to having someone who wanted to develop me, and progress my career, I realise now I need to do the hard work myself.
Unfortunately this may mean a transitional period for me, one where I hide the little bit of alternative and one of a kind me during work. One where I am always well dressed and well presented, where I watch my words and find that talent I used to have of saying EXACTLY the right thing to the right person. Frustrating as it may be, as of next week I need to be a slightly different person during work...I have if nothing else the killer instinct where I WILL WIN. I went through a similar period during the last career, and it didn't turn out all that bad.
Other areas I need to improve
- Health, I need to become more flexible and fitter I will need FAR better core strenght
- I will learn to dance, I want to learn to pole dance as well as just be able to move properly
- I need to get better with my fire, Its been a while since Ive practiced
- I need to learn to hula hoop....cos itl help these child bearing hips...AND i wanna do fire hoop!!!
That is all for today, I'm glad it wasn't as heavy today, my keyboard couldn't have survived a deluge today!
Until tomorrow, or when I can be bothered next
Tuesday 12 April 2011
Baring my soul...be gentle
So, its been a fair few months since I last posted on here. Mainly I stopped posting as I was either too boring to post, too busy too or just plain to catatonic.
I am as we are speaking (well typing but you get the gist) watching Jonathan Creek on my laptop and chatting to people. My life seems to be compressed to either this lately or being stretched so thinly that I don't have a moment to do the things that I want to.
Although Jonathan Creek is hardly a bad way to spend an evening
Things that haven happened since I last posted last on here (in no particular order)
- I have gained a twitter account
- I have passed probation at work
- I got sick and puked at work over xmas
- I gained a gun and sword
- Got fucked over by several guys, had numerous broken promises by them and
found general time wasters
- Seany and I celebrated our anniversary and I met his mum, and he got outed by her
- I found out Brighton wasn't that bad
- I got engaged
- For the first time in 24 years, I'm not horny
This last part is the bit that concerns me the most. I have no idea if its due to the fact I'm feeling a little stressed. Why would I be stressed I hear you asking.
Well first off my minds a little fucked, you all know this. Dint get me wrong, I love Seany completely, and a part of my mind knows and has always accepted that we are going to be together for a VERY long time...but I don't plan...I never plan for the future, admittedly normally because plans don't go quite right for me. An engagement ring is rather a big plan, and one that i suppose subconsciously I'm trying to get right in my head.
My mind is a huge net of ideas and thoughts, most of them, the very deepest set ones are not actually ones that I focus on, they are just there. I love London I love parts of my life. But I actually miss parts of my old life, yes it was crap and yes it was dangerous...but it was stable. It also had the hope that there was something better. I was comfortable in a large house, with lots of expendable income and I had my family. I cant talk to them now because its too painful to try and keep the two parts of my life separate, but still I miss my parents so much it actually hurts. I get flashes of them, mum has shrunk that little bit more, shes starting to look even older and greyer...Dad is starting to look a lot like pop (grandad) did...he will be starting to go olive skinned with the first touches of the spring sun coming out and will be doing the gardening pretending that he hates it but really loving it. My room still hasn't been touched, they keep it there to forget Ive gone and to hope I will come back, the good prodigal son. The image of my mom steadily getting thinner and wilting is one that haunts me.
Part of what I'm doing is selfish, the other selfless. I cant talk to them because it hurts me too much, and if I did, it would hurt them as they knew I was lying to them.
I think its natural for me to be thinking of my family more now that I am engaged. Seany will be having his family there, his mom and brother their kids, hell i think even his aunts have accepted me bless 'em. My side of the family will include Stevie, Cat, Sammy and Eddie. Those 4 people are the ones I know will always be there for me and are in effect the sum of my friends and my family. Which if you think about it, is quite sad actually...sorry guys love you n all but...you know me well enough to know what I mean
The worrying part is part of me wants to run away. Part of me wants to just fuck off to somewhere where I can start again, Where I can be the me I used to be when I moved to London. The other part of me wants to go back, go back to Jersey to a teary eyed hug from my parents. But I know I cant, If i did I would be sacrificing my Seany, our happiness and my mental health. I wouldn't be able to be me again, I wouldn't be able to do anything and would be expected to be a good little boy.
And when all that weighs down on your shoulders, thoughts of sex go out the window, and you find yourself wishing that you could become numb, click your fingers and everything would be all right. Its not, it never is, and it never happens like that
I feel sorry for my fiance for having to put up with me, and for him thinking I'm sane...I'm far from it.
*puts on Losing my Religion*...bad idea VERY bad idea. *ques up lithium while I consider if I should go see a shrink*
Its OK folks, you know its bad when I put on wires, although having said that I may put that on and start thinking about the family it reminds me of, which will no doubt be the next blog post..It goes from not doing one for ages to doing a 2 page one..go me! I need a hobby and a life! *goes off and raids drinks cabinet, comes back swigging bottle of brandy*
I am as we are speaking (well typing but you get the gist) watching Jonathan Creek on my laptop and chatting to people. My life seems to be compressed to either this lately or being stretched so thinly that I don't have a moment to do the things that I want to.
Although Jonathan Creek is hardly a bad way to spend an evening
Things that haven happened since I last posted last on here (in no particular order)
- I have gained a twitter account
- I have passed probation at work
- I got sick and puked at work over xmas
- I gained a gun and sword
- Got fucked over by several guys, had numerous broken promises by them and
found general time wasters
- Seany and I celebrated our anniversary and I met his mum, and he got outed by her
- I found out Brighton wasn't that bad
- I got engaged
- For the first time in 24 years, I'm not horny
This last part is the bit that concerns me the most. I have no idea if its due to the fact I'm feeling a little stressed. Why would I be stressed I hear you asking.
Well first off my minds a little fucked, you all know this. Dint get me wrong, I love Seany completely, and a part of my mind knows and has always accepted that we are going to be together for a VERY long time...but I don't plan...I never plan for the future, admittedly normally because plans don't go quite right for me. An engagement ring is rather a big plan, and one that i suppose subconsciously I'm trying to get right in my head.
My mind is a huge net of ideas and thoughts, most of them, the very deepest set ones are not actually ones that I focus on, they are just there. I love London I love parts of my life. But I actually miss parts of my old life, yes it was crap and yes it was dangerous...but it was stable. It also had the hope that there was something better. I was comfortable in a large house, with lots of expendable income and I had my family. I cant talk to them now because its too painful to try and keep the two parts of my life separate, but still I miss my parents so much it actually hurts. I get flashes of them, mum has shrunk that little bit more, shes starting to look even older and greyer...Dad is starting to look a lot like pop (grandad) did...he will be starting to go olive skinned with the first touches of the spring sun coming out and will be doing the gardening pretending that he hates it but really loving it. My room still hasn't been touched, they keep it there to forget Ive gone and to hope I will come back, the good prodigal son. The image of my mom steadily getting thinner and wilting is one that haunts me.
Part of what I'm doing is selfish, the other selfless. I cant talk to them because it hurts me too much, and if I did, it would hurt them as they knew I was lying to them.
I think its natural for me to be thinking of my family more now that I am engaged. Seany will be having his family there, his mom and brother their kids, hell i think even his aunts have accepted me bless 'em. My side of the family will include Stevie, Cat, Sammy and Eddie. Those 4 people are the ones I know will always be there for me and are in effect the sum of my friends and my family. Which if you think about it, is quite sad actually...sorry guys love you n all but...you know me well enough to know what I mean
The worrying part is part of me wants to run away. Part of me wants to just fuck off to somewhere where I can start again, Where I can be the me I used to be when I moved to London. The other part of me wants to go back, go back to Jersey to a teary eyed hug from my parents. But I know I cant, If i did I would be sacrificing my Seany, our happiness and my mental health. I wouldn't be able to be me again, I wouldn't be able to do anything and would be expected to be a good little boy.
And when all that weighs down on your shoulders, thoughts of sex go out the window, and you find yourself wishing that you could become numb, click your fingers and everything would be all right. Its not, it never is, and it never happens like that
I feel sorry for my fiance for having to put up with me, and for him thinking I'm sane...I'm far from it.
*puts on Losing my Religion*...bad idea VERY bad idea. *ques up lithium while I consider if I should go see a shrink*
Its OK folks, you know its bad when I put on wires, although having said that I may put that on and start thinking about the family it reminds me of, which will no doubt be the next blog post..It goes from not doing one for ages to doing a 2 page one..go me! I need a hobby and a life! *goes off and raids drinks cabinet, comes back swigging bottle of brandy*
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