So, its been a fair few months since I last posted on here. Mainly I stopped posting as I was either too boring to post, too busy too or just plain to catatonic.
I am as we are speaking (well typing but you get the gist) watching Jonathan Creek on my laptop and chatting to people. My life seems to be compressed to either this lately or being stretched so thinly that I don't have a moment to do the things that I want to.
Although Jonathan Creek is hardly a bad way to spend an evening
Things that haven happened since I last posted last on here (in no particular order)
- I have gained a twitter account
- I have passed probation at work
- I got sick and puked at work over xmas
- I gained a gun and sword
- Got fucked over by several guys, had numerous broken promises by them and
found general time wasters
- Seany and I celebrated our anniversary and I met his mum, and he got outed by her
- I found out Brighton wasn't that bad
- I got engaged
- For the first time in 24 years, I'm not horny
This last part is the bit that concerns me the most. I have no idea if its due to the fact I'm feeling a little stressed. Why would I be stressed I hear you asking.
Well first off my minds a little fucked, you all know this. Dint get me wrong, I love Seany completely, and a part of my mind knows and has always accepted that we are going to be together for a VERY long time...but I don't plan...I never plan for the future, admittedly normally because plans don't go quite right for me. An engagement ring is rather a big plan, and one that i suppose subconsciously I'm trying to get right in my head.
My mind is a huge net of ideas and thoughts, most of them, the very deepest set ones are not actually ones that I focus on, they are just there. I love London I love parts of my life. But I actually miss parts of my old life, yes it was crap and yes it was dangerous...but it was stable. It also had the hope that there was something better. I was comfortable in a large house, with lots of expendable income and I had my family. I cant talk to them now because its too painful to try and keep the two parts of my life separate, but still I miss my parents so much it actually hurts. I get flashes of them, mum has shrunk that little bit more, shes starting to look even older and greyer...Dad is starting to look a lot like pop (grandad) did...he will be starting to go olive skinned with the first touches of the spring sun coming out and will be doing the gardening pretending that he hates it but really loving it. My room still hasn't been touched, they keep it there to forget Ive gone and to hope I will come back, the good prodigal son. The image of my mom steadily getting thinner and wilting is one that haunts me.
Part of what I'm doing is selfish, the other selfless. I cant talk to them because it hurts me too much, and if I did, it would hurt them as they knew I was lying to them.
I think its natural for me to be thinking of my family more now that I am engaged. Seany will be having his family there, his mom and brother their kids, hell i think even his aunts have accepted me bless 'em. My side of the family will include Stevie, Cat, Sammy and Eddie. Those 4 people are the ones I know will always be there for me and are in effect the sum of my friends and my family. Which if you think about it, is quite sad actually...sorry guys love you n all but...you know me well enough to know what I mean
The worrying part is part of me wants to run away. Part of me wants to just fuck off to somewhere where I can start again, Where I can be the me I used to be when I moved to London. The other part of me wants to go back, go back to Jersey to a teary eyed hug from my parents. But I know I cant, If i did I would be sacrificing my Seany, our happiness and my mental health. I wouldn't be able to be me again, I wouldn't be able to do anything and would be expected to be a good little boy.
And when all that weighs down on your shoulders, thoughts of sex go out the window, and you find yourself wishing that you could become numb, click your fingers and everything would be all right. Its not, it never is, and it never happens like that
I feel sorry for my fiance for having to put up with me, and for him thinking I'm sane...I'm far from it.
*puts on Losing my Religion*...bad idea VERY bad idea. *ques up lithium while I consider if I should go see a shrink*
Its OK folks, you know its bad when I put on wires, although having said that I may put that on and start thinking about the family it reminds me of, which will no doubt be the next blog post..It goes from not doing one for ages to doing a 2 page one..go me! I need a hobby and a life! *goes off and raids drinks cabinet, comes back swigging bottle of brandy*
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Joel,
ReplyDeleteSo much of what you have written rings a bell with me. I know what you are going through, the trapped feeling of responsibility.
I am lucky in that my family have either supported me or been indifferent. Without them I would have failed completely a long time ago and it is often the thought of them that keeps me away from getting too dark.
You're still young, being in such a serious relationship is overwhelming. You know you've got a keeper in Sean as he is a wonderful person but some part of you still longs for the reconciliation with your family. Maybe you should book a holiday in Jersey, away from your parent's place, for you and Sean. Test the waters with your parents whilst knowing there is somewhere to go if it doesn't work out. You'll never know until you try, you have nothing to lose as it seems at the moment you are already treating it as lost anyway.
Go out and find youself xxx