Catharsis

My mind is a strange thing, as I expect are most peoples if they will but let onto it.
I can either liken my mind to an onion, lots of layers, most offensive to one or multiple senses and others likely to make you cry, or at this moment in time the better metaphor is of a ball of string. Once I start to pull at a thread more starts to unravel.
Last night as you may have guessed I needed a little bit of a cathartic breakdown, a spilling of words so that blood was not...and lets not be silly about it, it wouldn't of been my blood that would have been spilled.
However, today it leaves me with a wanting to finish what was started. A need to cleanse myself and get rid of the bad, enjoy the life I have and to accept the things that have gone wrong. I know I'm blessed, i made the cut, I moved out I have my life and while its not perfect its better than most.
I have always had great self control, over things that mattered. In my mind I used up all my self control years ago. So now, I don't have the get and up and go to do things, I'm putting on weight not as out going because of it and will NEVER realise the dream I have if I don't put myself to task. Unfortunately the mental fog that is my mind is kind of hard to burn through...
However I feel that now I should try and actually deal with the things that plague me and move on, gain closure...I feel like an adult...:(
And I think I'm going to try and blog as much of it as possible, to make sure that this is logged so I can see where I have come from and what I have done. My mind blanks out so much of what has happened, it forgets things so easily. I have only a one or 2 years memory, like a very smart goldfish...Most of my earlier years are blocked away and hidden, the good and the bad locked and unable to be accessed. So I would like to be able to show the journey I've had. It may also help people understand me a little better, because lets face it, some of this shit I ain't going to talk about!

I like my job, yes its challenging at times and like everyone I have moments where I would be rather anywhere than there. But I like a job where I can immerse myself, get caught up in the task at hand and not have to think about whats going on with myself. As you may have guessed compartmentalising is one of my greatest skills, and yes it means that I can hide away parts of my mind, but it also means I don't let my personal feelings affect my job. That could be the fact I want to commit suicide and mass genocide, and probably wouldn't be thinking straight enough to work out that is the wrong way around to do it, or because the last call was a cunt.
My other skills are that I can pick up on systems really really easily, and can teach people effectively while making sure they do what I want...Business life and home life crossing over there somewhat but anyway. This was the reason why I told my boss that I wanted to be a Subject Matter Expert on a new system that was being brought in. Instead she picked someone who is still too scared of the last new system she was given. I know it shouldn't have, but it felt like a personal snub.
I shouldn't take it as one, the Manager I have is new (she has only just reached the level I was 4 years ago...damn this move to London) and she is a little forgetful. While I was used to having someone who wanted to develop me, and progress my career, I realise now I need to do the hard work myself.
Unfortunately this may mean a transitional period for me, one where I hide the little bit of alternative and one of a kind me during work. One where I am always well dressed and well presented, where I watch my words and find that talent I used to have of saying EXACTLY the right thing to the right person. Frustrating as it may be, as of next week I need to be a slightly different person during work...I have if nothing else the killer instinct where I WILL WIN. I went through a similar period during the last career, and it didn't turn out all that bad.

Other areas I need to improve
- Health, I need to become more flexible and fitter I will need FAR better core strenght
- I will learn to dance, I want to learn to pole dance as well as just be able to move properly
- I need to get better with my fire, Its been a while since Ive practiced
- I need to learn to hula hoop....cos itl help these child bearing hips...AND i wanna do fire hoop!!!

That is all for today, I'm glad it wasn't as heavy today, my keyboard couldn't have survived a deluge today!

Until tomorrow, or when I can be bothered next