Having decided to jump on the band wagon and start a blog myself (yes I know, im a sheep) I wondered what it was I should write about. My boy likes to sit down and just type, see what it is that flows from his fingers. And hes good, very good, yesterdays blog would have touched the hardest of hearts. Admittedly it may also have made a few sane people cry and wonder about what passes for a relationship in this day and age but meh. It works for us.
I digress...you may find me doing that a lot, you may also find that my spelling isnt great(sorry if I forget to spell check) or that my grammar is awful but then I just write as if I am talking and punctuation is for pussies *trails off*...ok I will try.
I have been thinking about blogging for a while, and each time I consider it is just after reading the newspaper in the morning. Each morning I read the free newspapers that are given out accross London. each morning I find something to contest too. This morning I was reading an article in the Stylist (Issue 32) on depression. It linked in with my thoughts I had this morning.
The article in question was on depression. For once, it was an article that seemed fair and well thought out. I tend to find that normally any articles on mental health are one sided, and normally bring my BP up and make me go red with rage.
The line in question was "Depression is neurotoxic. By suppressing levels of a key neural growth hormone (BDNF), the disorder leads to an eventual death of neurons in critical memory and reasoning areas of the brain. Simply put: depression causes brain damage." Oh thats just great...I may as well kill myself now!!
I have (as any of you that know me will know) suffered from depression since I was little. It was a culmination of factors that caused this, genetics, my surroundings and myself...whatever the cause I had it for many a year.
This morning while in bed, I was wondering if everyones head feels the way I do. Its not so much fuzzy, as every thought has to try and act like a shoal of small fish...my brain wont quite work till enough of them are facing in the right direction and flashing whatever oncoming terror trying to make out its a shark. There are moments, whole days in fact where I feel numb. Yes I still have basic human emotion, yes I will emote to you if you are having a bad day, if you trip over and hurt yourself or call me to say you are about to jump (don't laugh has happened).
However I still feel numb. I can see that I am heading into a patch of "numbness". Its like a divide, my brain knows how I feel about some people, it just does'nt tell me how to FEEL...actually not strictly true, certain people my brain just gives up and starts making a that annoying beeping sound and sends out a little paperclip avatar to try and send help.
I wonder if people feel the same as me, does everyone go through regular patches of this, is this just me, am I ill...or have I just killed of a very specific part of my brain?
For the large part, those who suffer with depression don't seek help. You will get those who go straight for the Prozac, and as a generalisation those are the ones that confuse the blues with deep down depression. Those that I have seen who have nigh on crippling depression don't immediately seek help, they struggle on, they try and deal however they can with whatever systems they can find. The stigma that is attached to mental health binds these people in such a way that they don't believe they can seek help without becoming a pariah. The statistics show that those who are clinically depressed are rising, does this also mean that there will be an increased amount of people feeling emotionally comatose due to drugs or finding out that actually there are issues later in life due to the depression they thought they had successfully battled years ago?
Either way I'm sure I will find out soon enough. General rant over.
Personal life. well...as I stated, I'm becoming more and more numb, I could sense it when my bf asked me a simple question today, not only could I not answer it, form a debate/conclusion/reasoning pattern...just couldn't do anything...welcome to the section of my life where I find myself stuck in the dairy isle for half an hour wondering what type of cheese to buy. I have an interview tomorrow, this should be interesting:
"So, why do you want this job?"
"Err....I...err....Cheddar?"
This could all go horribly wrong!
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