All too often we see the worst in people. We are trained to from an early age, don't talk to strangers never accept sweets from those you don't know... And NEVER go near that man with his hands down his trousers! Ok I still stick by that last one, but the others? If I never talked to strangers I wouldn't have the amount of stories that arnt repeatable within polite circles, or friends who to be fair I shouldn't take to polite circles.

I read the metro, and after the pages about war, terrorism, pestilence, protests and dodgy shaped veg there is a small section called the good deed feed. It's a tiny little section but is one that will help you belive that humanity is not lost. 

I mention all this because it seems to me that we are to afraid of everyone. If a stranger comes up and talks to us we are either going to be stabbed or be wierded out by the conversation. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just have random conversations with strangers without feeling that we will be judged by the other person as a drugged up psycho (to be fair the last person who uttered something similar to me then wanted to know what socks I used to wear to school and proceeded to stalk me....aaah jimmy the sock... Soo yeah mebbe choose who you speak to carefully

Old post

Life has been full of ups and downs recently. Soooo let's cover the ups first.

I got to see ben for a suprise visit. Seeing his shocked face was sweet and it was lovely to see him again. We didn't do much but it felt like we were a family. And as we sat there in the car watching the surf...I think we were all happy and very content.

We celibrated our one year anniversary, admitadly we were appart for it but it was nice to have a day where we could go  "fuck you" to all those people who thought that poly relationships can't work...1 year on and still goin strong.

Unfortunaly my own hunt for a pet hasn't gone so well... One person I like seems to get I'll everytime we make a date, cocktail boy is away so will be back to square one when he gets back and I can't even pull in a sex club just wearing a latex singlet....which I think is the saddest point. I have also found that every other boy I meet reminds me of where I should be in life....

On the other hand I'm very much in love

A fresh start

I haven't blogged in a while. Not due to any grand decisions but more due to a lack of anything to say. That and the fact I can't type on my iPhone and listen to spotify. 

So after that what have I got to say...errr

I started this blog as a cathartic excercise and one that will hopefully make a few of you laugh. It's a place I can organise my thoughts and arrange my ideas before actually having to do anything about it in the real world. Now there is just one problem with this, chances are if there is something I need to mull over, stratagise or generally think about....the cause is likely to be a reader of my blog -.- a victim of my own success it seems

I seem to have worked out that things haven't been really working for me. I have been living my life through the Internet, as I have done for years...and it's not healthy...so now I'm trying to find hobbies to meet ppl and make friends. Were moving flats soon and this will be a total fresh start for me

An ode to the ex

One of my exes stayed over last night. As always he was quiet around me and unfortunatly thought I was sleighting him.

The funny thing is, I actually think of him mist days and think of him fondly..I'll explain why later.

I don't thi j I have ever thanked him, at least notfor the important things.

I have always been the one to make gestures, to take somone for a meal as a date to just try and show my feelings.

I remember traveling to London, it had snowed and this was the last plane, I was stressed because I had lost my wallet and had no cash. The VERY nice man on the Gateick Express had let me get on without charging me and I had gotten to Victoria. In the mean time I had found out that this X was waiting for me. From victoria I had dragged my case through 6 inches of snow to the London Eye...which wasn't fun. And there he was, one of the most beautiful sites I have seen.

Picture this it's winter the southbank is covered in a perfect blanket of snow, with only 2 sets of tracks marinh it's surface. Everywhere is deserted, Christmas lights are still up. And there under the eye, he's waiting. He has long streaked hair and a beard (only person with a beard I have found attractive) and the snow is catching in his hair. He's dressed up, waistcoat long jacket doc martins, and has that goofy smile. He's holding a single red rose.

Ok so flowers not my thing but that must have been one of the most romantic things I have ever had done for me.

The reason I think of him most days is because of a poster outside the coffee room at work. It's a signed poster from a certain production of Othello...which was the first propper date I went on...oh and it was fun

So while he may think I look back with terror in actual fact I wish I had thanked him for caring so much and making my move to London that little less scarey

A grain of trust

So I've been seeing a lot of one guy recently...cocktail guy. We have met a few times chatted and txted a lot...and I see something in him. Yes he's bold camp so overtly confident, but there is something timid and shy that needs love and nurturing and you all know how much i like doing that. Although I do get the feeling he has the wrong idea about me.

I invited him to mine to sit in the sun and have a drink which he kept saying no to... I asked him why and he said in a deadly serious voice that he thought I may get him drunk then use that to my advantage. You could see the look of somone that had been hurt before...but even when I had assured him that's very far from the truth (if only he knew how shy sexually I am he may understand) he was and prolly is still warey. While I know it's not my failt it still kinda hurt, I think I'm very trustworthy and I think I demonstrate that...

Mind you between that and a few other things it kinda makes me want to look after him more, I think he could be quite special...all I need is that grain of trust

Happy Bday Me

So today was my bday, lets get the good out of the way. My best friend..well kinda best friend and my bf took me out to lunch. We ate 120 quids worth (we didnt pay that mind) of dim sum and I would have kept going if it wasnt for the fact that service went down hill...I think they got fed up of bringing me Har Kau
Seany made sure that he made a fuss of me, he made sure I knew he loved me and. I hadnt seen Eddie in ages, and it was great to see him too...all in all it was nice just to spend time with them and I really appreciated the fact they re-arranged their day and their work so they could see me.
Oh and the birthday wheat free parsnip and caramel cake was AMAZING
Now onto the not so great side. I decided after lunch to go back and change, I was dripping after walking round London in the heat...so headed back. The flatmates still hadnt told me about the party I knew they were having (incase you hadnt read yesterdays post, flatmates bday is next week, he decided to have his party on the same day as my bday, hasnt told me or invited me) Im confronted by a group of people that I used to think of as friends around the time i was involved with the "club".

Its like a comedy sketch, I walk in, and they turn round with the look of "wtf is he doing here". I say hello to all of them and they ignore me...I have never felt so unwelcome in my own flat. I have no wish to stay around at somones party when im not invited, when the people who are organising it dont want me to be a part of it.

Now i have always had a thing about my personal space. It stems from the times when I had lots of secrets to hold, and my parents would rifle though my bed room. So having them doing that multiple times, and it NEVER lead to anythign good. So this means I HATE having somone in my bedroom when im not there, or when I havent said they can go in. Im also a neat freak, you wouldnt know it but I am..especially with my bedroom. So when I go to change, and I find that EVERYTHING thats in the living room has been shoved in my bedroom, not in a tidy way but just dropped in...including my bday cake that was in the kitchen...I wanted to kill ppl

Small mercy, my exe would have been there, and I looked good...so meh. But now unfortunatly I have no one to spend the rest of the day with, and need to get out of the flat. I wander round town as much as i can, I sit in Canary Wharf park which might just be the most beautiful park I have ever seen...I am so going back there.

But then I have to come back, and I do it just as my ex is leaving (he didnt see me) and again, I have the "why is he here" look...I want to move

Emotional rollar coaster

So today has been s bit of a strange one. Last night the boy and I went for drinks with a cute lad I'd met before (cocktail guy) we all had a great time, and both of us were trying to entice him back to the flat...we didn't manage it but it was great and affirming to see just how comfortable we are in our relationship. Seany and I came back and we started talking, it was then that I could see how much effort he had put into me having a good bday. I'm on the train back from borough Market where he bought my first ever bday cake. The boy has definitly learnt it's the little things that matter to me. What really touched me was I have 4 cards today one from him mum..which made me, well melt

However on the way out of the flat I noticed a new BBQ and a bag full of stuff for it. It's only then that I learnt my flatmate (who's bday is a week after mine) has decided to not only have his bday party on my actual bday but nit only not suggest a joint party...he's just decided not to tell me...again I have no frame of reference but something in me says it's fairly rude to do that. I honestly hope to god they don't get me anything for mine as I know they would resent getting me one.

At borough Market (while fiercely cursing the mates) I couldn't help being reminded of Jersey, things like king scallops which I used to pot for brought back memories and then I walked past a scrumpy stall...and then noticed the Burley sign.

Each year we used to go to Hampshire. We would always drive through Burley where we would wander round buy fudge and cider and have a picknick. On one of the times we bought wine a beautiful elderflower wine, and this I spotted at the stall...allong with the minatures I used to buy. I bought one and had a taste of the scrumpy and that was it...all I could think of was them and I had to hold back the tears. I went and bought another bottle to send them, I can't face talking to them but they will know who sent it and know I'm alive.

The worrying thing is I wanna call them and tell them I'm engaged and so in love and happy.