Faith is the assured expectation of things hoped for, the evident demonstration of realities though not beheld... Or something like that. It used to be a phrase that was touted to me on a regular basis.
I was brought up as a Jehovah's Witness. I was brought up in faith of one God, his son who had given his perfect life for mankind and that a time of reckoning was soon going to be on us.
I had this faith up until I was about 16 when a series of events left me feeling unloved by god and logic dictates that if there is no love between God and his worshipers, then everything else must be a lie too.
Part of the events that lead me to turn my back on Christianity was the awakening of several ESP like abilities. So like anyone I freaked first then thought well if Christianity won't have me, paganism will.
Up until recently I've had a lot of faith in Paganism, not in the fact there are fairies around us or that at some point Ghaia will be making a reappearance. But it was nice to feel connected, to feel rightly or wrongly that you could extend yourself out into the ether and touch something special.
When I was a witness, I had such strong faith. I never planned for old age because everyone knew the apocalypse would be on us soon. At some points I had blind faith and it was blissful.
But now my feelings of faith in paganism seem to have deserted me slightly, it may come back it may not. And while it was never blind faith it was good. The belief that there was something else almost tangible, that you were special, it was like a safety blanket.
There are those that pity those with faith, I don't. Faith and religion have caused huge wars and atrocities and yes can give blinkered viewpoints.. But it also gives millions comfort hope and a tiny boost in their day to day life.
So until something happens to my faith i will remain alone in a sea of apathy
Saturday, 28 January 2012
Sunday, 15 January 2012
The Bro-Code
If anyone has seen how I met your mother you will know that they CONSTANTLY refer to the Bro-Code. Some mythical book handed down from man to man. This book gives guidelines on how to act and things that you as a friend shouldn't do.
Now I've not seen a copy of this book and if they ever produce one I will be wanting a look at it, but I seem to have a bit of a mental code. I'm writing this down because I'd like I know if it's just me that thinks these rules stand true.
Thou shalt not cock block. If your friend has expressed interest in someone you DO NOT go and beat them to the starting line. Possible exceptions are (very) drunken mistakes, however going out clubbing having an orgy then boasting about it is a violation.
Thou shalt not covet thy friends ex. If your friend breaks up with someone you do NOT go about picking up sloppy seconds. The only possible mitigating factor is if you think you can make a go for it with the newly single ex and have checked with your friend to see if he's ok with you going out with them. If your friend is still in love with his ex, or just says no...you drop it
Enemies and exes of thy friends are my enemy and ex. If you break up with someone, and can't stand to be in the same room with them, or if someone loves to run you down when your name comes up (quite possibly exes will fall in this category) then your friends should avoid these people at all costs. Mitigating factors are if they were friends with both of you before you split up (for instance). In this case both parties should not be invited to the same events, length of friendship being a weighting in the decision.
This is how I treat others, so this is how I expect to be treated.
But what happens if someone has broken the first 3 of the 10 commandments (yeah this train ride isn't long enough to come up with 10). Then what do you do? Seems to be like a breach of trust or honour... Shit something like that...or is that just me?
Now I've not seen a copy of this book and if they ever produce one I will be wanting a look at it, but I seem to have a bit of a mental code. I'm writing this down because I'd like I know if it's just me that thinks these rules stand true.
Thou shalt not cock block. If your friend has expressed interest in someone you DO NOT go and beat them to the starting line. Possible exceptions are (very) drunken mistakes, however going out clubbing having an orgy then boasting about it is a violation.
Thou shalt not covet thy friends ex. If your friend breaks up with someone you do NOT go about picking up sloppy seconds. The only possible mitigating factor is if you think you can make a go for it with the newly single ex and have checked with your friend to see if he's ok with you going out with them. If your friend is still in love with his ex, or just says no...you drop it
Enemies and exes of thy friends are my enemy and ex. If you break up with someone, and can't stand to be in the same room with them, or if someone loves to run you down when your name comes up (quite possibly exes will fall in this category) then your friends should avoid these people at all costs. Mitigating factors are if they were friends with both of you before you split up (for instance). In this case both parties should not be invited to the same events, length of friendship being a weighting in the decision.
This is how I treat others, so this is how I expect to be treated.
But what happens if someone has broken the first 3 of the 10 commandments (yeah this train ride isn't long enough to come up with 10). Then what do you do? Seems to be like a breach of trust or honour... Shit something like that...or is that just me?
Saturday, 5 November 2011
Sick of being ill
When i was younger, a lot younger. I went through quite a bad patch health wise. I have my mothers blood in me, and she was a fighter. Im much the same and dont give into anything if I can help it. But i would come back from school and I would not be able to move, I was so tired. I would be in so much pain and discomfort that I would spend my weekends infront of the tv wrapped in a quilt. And i felt like such a FAKER. I mean if i tell you how I would feel, and the reasons behind it...id just feel like a looser. Of course it was theorised that due an illness i had in childhood, every now and again my system would collapse under itself
Now, years later, and I feel the same. Unfortunatly due to a colapsed tooth and exposed nerve im in pretty much constant agony. So to combat this I am on codeine and Im 90% sure im adicted to that....cos lets face it going through half a pack a day...not great
My eczema has flared up, and i know that whenever i tell people this they think i have a little rash on my knee. In actual fact it means i have open cuts all over my body and my skin likes to tighten to the point where i cant move without it splitting or tearing. The reason my skin flares up like this is because my imune system decides to fight itself. So that means i have no energy at all, my joints ache and burn, as do my lymph nodes, searing headaches (even through the fucking codeine) and to top it off im having more hot flushes than a GILF
So at the moment im a FUCKING NIGHTMARE to be around, I look shit, i feel shit im snappy as all hell and dreading it because i KNOW its going to get worse....all i want to do is hide in a duvet and not speak to anyone...is that too much to ask?
I write this in the hope that I dont keep needing to explain myself again and again
Now, years later, and I feel the same. Unfortunatly due to a colapsed tooth and exposed nerve im in pretty much constant agony. So to combat this I am on codeine and Im 90% sure im adicted to that....cos lets face it going through half a pack a day...not great
My eczema has flared up, and i know that whenever i tell people this they think i have a little rash on my knee. In actual fact it means i have open cuts all over my body and my skin likes to tighten to the point where i cant move without it splitting or tearing. The reason my skin flares up like this is because my imune system decides to fight itself. So that means i have no energy at all, my joints ache and burn, as do my lymph nodes, searing headaches (even through the fucking codeine) and to top it off im having more hot flushes than a GILF
So at the moment im a FUCKING NIGHTMARE to be around, I look shit, i feel shit im snappy as all hell and dreading it because i KNOW its going to get worse....all i want to do is hide in a duvet and not speak to anyone...is that too much to ask?
I write this in the hope that I dont keep needing to explain myself again and again
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
All too often we see the worst in people. We are trained to from an early age, don't talk to strangers never accept sweets from those you don't know... And NEVER go near that man with his hands down his trousers! Ok I still stick by that last one, but the others? If I never talked to strangers I wouldn't have the amount of stories that arnt repeatable within polite circles, or friends who to be fair I shouldn't take to polite circles.
I read the metro, and after the pages about war, terrorism, pestilence, protests and dodgy shaped veg there is a small section called the good deed feed. It's a tiny little section but is one that will help you belive that humanity is not lost.
I mention all this because it seems to me that we are to afraid of everyone. If a stranger comes up and talks to us we are either going to be stabbed or be wierded out by the conversation. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just have random conversations with strangers without feeling that we will be judged by the other person as a drugged up psycho (to be fair the last person who uttered something similar to me then wanted to know what socks I used to wear to school and proceeded to stalk me....aaah jimmy the sock... Soo yeah mebbe choose who you speak to carefully
I read the metro, and after the pages about war, terrorism, pestilence, protests and dodgy shaped veg there is a small section called the good deed feed. It's a tiny little section but is one that will help you belive that humanity is not lost.
I mention all this because it seems to me that we are to afraid of everyone. If a stranger comes up and talks to us we are either going to be stabbed or be wierded out by the conversation. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just have random conversations with strangers without feeling that we will be judged by the other person as a drugged up psycho (to be fair the last person who uttered something similar to me then wanted to know what socks I used to wear to school and proceeded to stalk me....aaah jimmy the sock... Soo yeah mebbe choose who you speak to carefully
Monday, 19 September 2011
Old post
Life has been full of ups and downs recently. Soooo let's cover the ups first.
I got to see ben for a suprise visit. Seeing his shocked face was sweet and it was lovely to see him again. We didn't do much but it felt like we were a family. And as we sat there in the car watching the surf...I think we were all happy and very content.
We celibrated our one year anniversary, admitadly we were appart for it but it was nice to have a day where we could go "fuck you" to all those people who thought that poly relationships can't work...1 year on and still goin strong.
Unfortunaly my own hunt for a pet hasn't gone so well... One person I like seems to get I'll everytime we make a date, cocktail boy is away so will be back to square one when he gets back and I can't even pull in a sex club just wearing a latex singlet....which I think is the saddest point. I have also found that every other boy I meet reminds me of where I should be in life....
On the other hand I'm very much in love
I got to see ben for a suprise visit. Seeing his shocked face was sweet and it was lovely to see him again. We didn't do much but it felt like we were a family. And as we sat there in the car watching the surf...I think we were all happy and very content.
We celibrated our one year anniversary, admitadly we were appart for it but it was nice to have a day where we could go "fuck you" to all those people who thought that poly relationships can't work...1 year on and still goin strong.
Unfortunaly my own hunt for a pet hasn't gone so well... One person I like seems to get I'll everytime we make a date, cocktail boy is away so will be back to square one when he gets back and I can't even pull in a sex club just wearing a latex singlet....which I think is the saddest point. I have also found that every other boy I meet reminds me of where I should be in life....
On the other hand I'm very much in love
A fresh start
I haven't blogged in a while. Not due to any grand decisions but more due to a lack of anything to say. That and the fact I can't type on my iPhone and listen to spotify.
So after that what have I got to say...errr
I started this blog as a cathartic excercise and one that will hopefully make a few of you laugh. It's a place I can organise my thoughts and arrange my ideas before actually having to do anything about it in the real world. Now there is just one problem with this, chances are if there is something I need to mull over, stratagise or generally think about....the cause is likely to be a reader of my blog -.- a victim of my own success it seems
I seem to have worked out that things haven't been really working for me. I have been living my life through the Internet, as I have done for years...and it's not healthy...so now I'm trying to find hobbies to meet ppl and make friends. Were moving flats soon and this will be a total fresh start for me
So after that what have I got to say...errr
I started this blog as a cathartic excercise and one that will hopefully make a few of you laugh. It's a place I can organise my thoughts and arrange my ideas before actually having to do anything about it in the real world. Now there is just one problem with this, chances are if there is something I need to mull over, stratagise or generally think about....the cause is likely to be a reader of my blog -.- a victim of my own success it seems
I seem to have worked out that things haven't been really working for me. I have been living my life through the Internet, as I have done for years...and it's not healthy...so now I'm trying to find hobbies to meet ppl and make friends. Were moving flats soon and this will be a total fresh start for me
Monday, 1 August 2011
An ode to the ex
One of my exes stayed over last night. As always he was quiet around me and unfortunatly thought I was sleighting him.
The funny thing is, I actually think of him mist days and think of him fondly..I'll explain why later.
I don't thi j I have ever thanked him, at least notfor the important things.
I have always been the one to make gestures, to take somone for a meal as a date to just try and show my feelings.
I remember traveling to London, it had snowed and this was the last plane, I was stressed because I had lost my wallet and had no cash. The VERY nice man on the Gateick Express had let me get on without charging me and I had gotten to Victoria. In the mean time I had found out that this X was waiting for me. From victoria I had dragged my case through 6 inches of snow to the London Eye...which wasn't fun. And there he was, one of the most beautiful sites I have seen.
Picture this it's winter the southbank is covered in a perfect blanket of snow, with only 2 sets of tracks marinh it's surface. Everywhere is deserted, Christmas lights are still up. And there under the eye, he's waiting. He has long streaked hair and a beard (only person with a beard I have found attractive) and the snow is catching in his hair. He's dressed up, waistcoat long jacket doc martins, and has that goofy smile. He's holding a single red rose.
Ok so flowers not my thing but that must have been one of the most romantic things I have ever had done for me.
The reason I think of him most days is because of a poster outside the coffee room at work. It's a signed poster from a certain production of Othello...which was the first propper date I went on...oh and it was fun
So while he may think I look back with terror in actual fact I wish I had thanked him for caring so much and making my move to London that little less scarey
The funny thing is, I actually think of him mist days and think of him fondly..I'll explain why later.
I don't thi j I have ever thanked him, at least notfor the important things.
I have always been the one to make gestures, to take somone for a meal as a date to just try and show my feelings.
I remember traveling to London, it had snowed and this was the last plane, I was stressed because I had lost my wallet and had no cash. The VERY nice man on the Gateick Express had let me get on without charging me and I had gotten to Victoria. In the mean time I had found out that this X was waiting for me. From victoria I had dragged my case through 6 inches of snow to the London Eye...which wasn't fun. And there he was, one of the most beautiful sites I have seen.
Picture this it's winter the southbank is covered in a perfect blanket of snow, with only 2 sets of tracks marinh it's surface. Everywhere is deserted, Christmas lights are still up. And there under the eye, he's waiting. He has long streaked hair and a beard (only person with a beard I have found attractive) and the snow is catching in his hair. He's dressed up, waistcoat long jacket doc martins, and has that goofy smile. He's holding a single red rose.
Ok so flowers not my thing but that must have been one of the most romantic things I have ever had done for me.
The reason I think of him most days is because of a poster outside the coffee room at work. It's a signed poster from a certain production of Othello...which was the first propper date I went on...oh and it was fun
So while he may think I look back with terror in actual fact I wish I had thanked him for caring so much and making my move to London that little less scarey
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
A grain of trust
So I've been seeing a lot of one guy recently...cocktail guy. We have met a few times chatted and txted a lot...and I see something in him. Yes he's bold camp so overtly confident, but there is something timid and shy that needs love and nurturing and you all know how much i like doing that. Although I do get the feeling he has the wrong idea about me.
I invited him to mine to sit in the sun and have a drink which he kept saying no to... I asked him why and he said in a deadly serious voice that he thought I may get him drunk then use that to my advantage. You could see the look of somone that had been hurt before...but even when I had assured him that's very far from the truth (if only he knew how shy sexually I am he may understand) he was and prolly is still warey. While I know it's not my failt it still kinda hurt, I think I'm very trustworthy and I think I demonstrate that...
Mind you between that and a few other things it kinda makes me want to look after him more, I think he could be quite special...all I need is that grain of trust
I invited him to mine to sit in the sun and have a drink which he kept saying no to... I asked him why and he said in a deadly serious voice that he thought I may get him drunk then use that to my advantage. You could see the look of somone that had been hurt before...but even when I had assured him that's very far from the truth (if only he knew how shy sexually I am he may understand) he was and prolly is still warey. While I know it's not my failt it still kinda hurt, I think I'm very trustworthy and I think I demonstrate that...
Mind you between that and a few other things it kinda makes me want to look after him more, I think he could be quite special...all I need is that grain of trust
Sunday, 26 June 2011
Happy Bday Me
So today was my bday, lets get the good out of the way. My best friend..well kinda best friend and my bf took me out to lunch. We ate 120 quids worth (we didnt pay that mind) of dim sum and I would have kept going if it wasnt for the fact that service went down hill...I think they got fed up of bringing me Har Kau
Seany made sure that he made a fuss of me, he made sure I knew he loved me and. I hadnt seen Eddie in ages, and it was great to see him too...all in all it was nice just to spend time with them and I really appreciated the fact they re-arranged their day and their work so they could see me.
Oh and the birthday wheat free parsnip and caramel cake was AMAZING
Now onto the not so great side. I decided after lunch to go back and change, I was dripping after walking round London in the heat...so headed back. The flatmates still hadnt told me about the party I knew they were having (incase you hadnt read yesterdays post, flatmates bday is next week, he decided to have his party on the same day as my bday, hasnt told me or invited me) Im confronted by a group of people that I used to think of as friends around the time i was involved with the "club".
Its like a comedy sketch, I walk in, and they turn round with the look of "wtf is he doing here". I say hello to all of them and they ignore me...I have never felt so unwelcome in my own flat. I have no wish to stay around at somones party when im not invited, when the people who are organising it dont want me to be a part of it.
Now i have always had a thing about my personal space. It stems from the times when I had lots of secrets to hold, and my parents would rifle though my bed room. So having them doing that multiple times, and it NEVER lead to anythign good. So this means I HATE having somone in my bedroom when im not there, or when I havent said they can go in. Im also a neat freak, you wouldnt know it but I am..especially with my bedroom. So when I go to change, and I find that EVERYTHING thats in the living room has been shoved in my bedroom, not in a tidy way but just dropped in...including my bday cake that was in the kitchen...I wanted to kill ppl
Small mercy, my exe would have been there, and I looked good...so meh. But now unfortunatly I have no one to spend the rest of the day with, and need to get out of the flat. I wander round town as much as i can, I sit in Canary Wharf park which might just be the most beautiful park I have ever seen...I am so going back there.
But then I have to come back, and I do it just as my ex is leaving (he didnt see me) and again, I have the "why is he here" look...I want to move
Seany made sure that he made a fuss of me, he made sure I knew he loved me and. I hadnt seen Eddie in ages, and it was great to see him too...all in all it was nice just to spend time with them and I really appreciated the fact they re-arranged their day and their work so they could see me.
Oh and the birthday wheat free parsnip and caramel cake was AMAZING
Now onto the not so great side. I decided after lunch to go back and change, I was dripping after walking round London in the heat...so headed back. The flatmates still hadnt told me about the party I knew they were having (incase you hadnt read yesterdays post, flatmates bday is next week, he decided to have his party on the same day as my bday, hasnt told me or invited me) Im confronted by a group of people that I used to think of as friends around the time i was involved with the "club".
Its like a comedy sketch, I walk in, and they turn round with the look of "wtf is he doing here". I say hello to all of them and they ignore me...I have never felt so unwelcome in my own flat. I have no wish to stay around at somones party when im not invited, when the people who are organising it dont want me to be a part of it.
Now i have always had a thing about my personal space. It stems from the times when I had lots of secrets to hold, and my parents would rifle though my bed room. So having them doing that multiple times, and it NEVER lead to anythign good. So this means I HATE having somone in my bedroom when im not there, or when I havent said they can go in. Im also a neat freak, you wouldnt know it but I am..especially with my bedroom. So when I go to change, and I find that EVERYTHING thats in the living room has been shoved in my bedroom, not in a tidy way but just dropped in...including my bday cake that was in the kitchen...I wanted to kill ppl
Small mercy, my exe would have been there, and I looked good...so meh. But now unfortunatly I have no one to spend the rest of the day with, and need to get out of the flat. I wander round town as much as i can, I sit in Canary Wharf park which might just be the most beautiful park I have ever seen...I am so going back there.
But then I have to come back, and I do it just as my ex is leaving (he didnt see me) and again, I have the "why is he here" look...I want to move
Saturday, 25 June 2011
Emotional rollar coaster
So today has been s bit of a strange one. Last night the boy and I went for drinks with a cute lad I'd met before (cocktail guy) we all had a great time, and both of us were trying to entice him back to the flat...we didn't manage it but it was great and affirming to see just how comfortable we are in our relationship. Seany and I came back and we started talking, it was then that I could see how much effort he had put into me having a good bday. I'm on the train back from borough Market where he bought my first ever bday cake. The boy has definitly learnt it's the little things that matter to me. What really touched me was I have 4 cards today one from him mum..which made me, well melt
However on the way out of the flat I noticed a new BBQ and a bag full of stuff for it. It's only then that I learnt my flatmate (who's bday is a week after mine) has decided to not only have his bday party on my actual bday but nit only not suggest a joint party...he's just decided not to tell me...again I have no frame of reference but something in me says it's fairly rude to do that. I honestly hope to god they don't get me anything for mine as I know they would resent getting me one.
At borough Market (while fiercely cursing the mates) I couldn't help being reminded of Jersey, things like king scallops which I used to pot for brought back memories and then I walked past a scrumpy stall...and then noticed the Burley sign.
Each year we used to go to Hampshire. We would always drive through Burley where we would wander round buy fudge and cider and have a picknick. On one of the times we bought wine a beautiful elderflower wine, and this I spotted at the stall...allong with the minatures I used to buy. I bought one and had a taste of the scrumpy and that was it...all I could think of was them and I had to hold back the tears. I went and bought another bottle to send them, I can't face talking to them but they will know who sent it and know I'm alive.
The worrying thing is I wanna call them and tell them I'm engaged and so in love and happy.
However on the way out of the flat I noticed a new BBQ and a bag full of stuff for it. It's only then that I learnt my flatmate (who's bday is a week after mine) has decided to not only have his bday party on my actual bday but nit only not suggest a joint party...he's just decided not to tell me...again I have no frame of reference but something in me says it's fairly rude to do that. I honestly hope to god they don't get me anything for mine as I know they would resent getting me one.
At borough Market (while fiercely cursing the mates) I couldn't help being reminded of Jersey, things like king scallops which I used to pot for brought back memories and then I walked past a scrumpy stall...and then noticed the Burley sign.
Each year we used to go to Hampshire. We would always drive through Burley where we would wander round buy fudge and cider and have a picknick. On one of the times we bought wine a beautiful elderflower wine, and this I spotted at the stall...allong with the minatures I used to buy. I bought one and had a taste of the scrumpy and that was it...all I could think of was them and I had to hold back the tears. I went and bought another bottle to send them, I can't face talking to them but they will know who sent it and know I'm alive.
The worrying thing is I wanna call them and tell them I'm engaged and so in love and happy.
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Great success
Success! I met somone off grindr. We had started chatting about kink and meeting up for sex...but then we met up for drinks...and I remembered
I remembered what it felt like to go to a cocktail bar after work, to meet an adult, recline in a leather chair and drink things with too many ingridients that took too long to make...and it felt good.
The only places I miss from jersey are 1 beach, 1 cafe, 2 resteraunts and about 5 bars... 2 of them being amazing cocktail places.
Nick, the person I met with...I think he started out trying to impress me to cover his shyness, but I don't impress easily especially when somone is TRYING to impress me...shame he came off as a toff ( ;) )
Luckily he warmed up, and a lovely charming and sweet personality. Thank god for meeting new ppl, them turning up and not being a psyco!
I remembered what it felt like to go to a cocktail bar after work, to meet an adult, recline in a leather chair and drink things with too many ingridients that took too long to make...and it felt good.
The only places I miss from jersey are 1 beach, 1 cafe, 2 resteraunts and about 5 bars... 2 of them being amazing cocktail places.
Nick, the person I met with...I think he started out trying to impress me to cover his shyness, but I don't impress easily especially when somone is TRYING to impress me...shame he came off as a toff ( ;) )
Luckily he warmed up, and a lovely charming and sweet personality. Thank god for meeting new ppl, them turning up and not being a psyco!
Birthday
I feel the same way about my birthday as I do about getting my test results back from the hospital...with a sense of gritting my teeth, steeley determination and the phrase "right let's be having ya" bouncing around inside my brain.
Seanys not off for it, so will prolly spend the day wandering round Westfield with my kinda best friend...
Seanys not off for it, so will prolly spend the day wandering round Westfield with my kinda best friend...
Thursday, 16 June 2011
Today will be a moany day I think. Look outside see what weather we are having in London and know that mirrors my mood.
Last might I felt truly fucked over by a multitude of people...it would take too long to go into but suffice to say...with potential pets I demand (and I don't think this is a bad thing) loyalty and honesty, and I make this clear. I will admit I am a jealous person, and so if either of those are broken...I'm not likely to forgive easily. Also anyone who knows me knows I'm ..well I can suprise people, if they had talked to me and been honest I prolly would have understood and helped...oh well
Also another person owes me and Seany £170 he's unemployed and too broke to pay it back...but supprisingly had games and kink gear delivered yesterday....
And now to finish this circle, look at the fucking weather, and I have no brolly..I look a fucking mess. My hair is both curly and straight, my shirt creased and my trousers soaked...
On the up side my Seany is back from Leeds, and I don't think I could have missed him more. I love there is somone who's entire body i know and turns me on...coupled with somone who actually knows how my mind works (only one other of those, and they don't turn me on). Every previous relationship seems a joke...but at least I know what they should be like now
Last might I felt truly fucked over by a multitude of people...it would take too long to go into but suffice to say...with potential pets I demand (and I don't think this is a bad thing) loyalty and honesty, and I make this clear. I will admit I am a jealous person, and so if either of those are broken...I'm not likely to forgive easily. Also anyone who knows me knows I'm ..well I can suprise people, if they had talked to me and been honest I prolly would have understood and helped...oh well
Also another person owes me and Seany £170 he's unemployed and too broke to pay it back...but supprisingly had games and kink gear delivered yesterday....
And now to finish this circle, look at the fucking weather, and I have no brolly..I look a fucking mess. My hair is both curly and straight, my shirt creased and my trousers soaked...
On the up side my Seany is back from Leeds, and I don't think I could have missed him more. I love there is somone who's entire body i know and turns me on...coupled with somone who actually knows how my mind works (only one other of those, and they don't turn me on). Every previous relationship seems a joke...but at least I know what they should be like now
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
So today I was going to bitch and moan, it's my time of the month and constant shit seems to be happening. I'm becoming disheartened with things tired and annoyed.
However in the past 10 mins something happened. While having a cig with a friend of mine she let slip I had been the subject of discussion last nigh at a work night. I am always me I don't put on faces and try no to hide behinds masks and it seems it has been recognised. I found it lovely to hear hthat yes while people didn't know how to deal with me they now see that is me... I haven't changed. To hear somone who I didn't think got me say how they thought I had a heart of gold and wouldn't say a bad thing about anyone was lovely and made me grin.
Katie also asked about Seany if he minded me going off to other places and going out without him, she knew we have an open relationship of sorts. She asked if that had stopped..after being told how honest it was...well I told her I'm polyamourous..."so what there are 4 people in a relationship?" no...3
In her credit she just accepted it, asked who the third was and smiled (you could see in her mind going...right hold on a mo...ok it's Joel makes sense). I'm lucky to have people like that who while she may not understand it knows I wouldn't do anything behind anyones back, and will only look out for people.
I think I'd like my eppitaph to say..."He tried to help everyone, and even succeded with a few"...which is better than my previous idea of "He always knew he would die this way, impaled on a catapult driven narwhale" or "Hoped he wouldn't cause the appocalypse but knew he might"
However in the past 10 mins something happened. While having a cig with a friend of mine she let slip I had been the subject of discussion last nigh at a work night. I am always me I don't put on faces and try no to hide behinds masks and it seems it has been recognised. I found it lovely to hear hthat yes while people didn't know how to deal with me they now see that is me... I haven't changed. To hear somone who I didn't think got me say how they thought I had a heart of gold and wouldn't say a bad thing about anyone was lovely and made me grin.
Katie also asked about Seany if he minded me going off to other places and going out without him, she knew we have an open relationship of sorts. She asked if that had stopped..after being told how honest it was...well I told her I'm polyamourous..."so what there are 4 people in a relationship?" no...3
In her credit she just accepted it, asked who the third was and smiled (you could see in her mind going...right hold on a mo...ok it's Joel makes sense). I'm lucky to have people like that who while she may not understand it knows I wouldn't do anything behind anyones back, and will only look out for people.
I think I'd like my eppitaph to say..."He tried to help everyone, and even succeded with a few"...which is better than my previous idea of "He always knew he would die this way, impaled on a catapult driven narwhale" or "Hoped he wouldn't cause the appocalypse but knew he might"
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
Seany went back up to Leeds yesterday (to visit family, he hasn't finally seen the light and left me) and won't be around until friday. By some stroke of luck both of the flatmates were out too, so I had a free house..for once (hurrah)
Do you think I could get ANYONE around? No, no I couldn't. Not even a friend to watch a film...no one. I think fate likes to conspire against me. I find that there will be a series of events that go to plan but I will fall at the final hurdle... Normally when it comes to involve others
I'm planning on going to BBB in a few days, planning to meet a few guys there...who wants to bet none will turn up?
Also I hate sleeping alone, I woke up at 4 to check if he was there
Do you think I could get ANYONE around? No, no I couldn't. Not even a friend to watch a film...no one. I think fate likes to conspire against me. I find that there will be a series of events that go to plan but I will fall at the final hurdle... Normally when it comes to involve others
I'm planning on going to BBB in a few days, planning to meet a few guys there...who wants to bet none will turn up?
Also I hate sleeping alone, I woke up at 4 to check if he was there
Monday, 13 June 2011
Blank post lol
Today I feel like blogging about... (waits for inspiration)
Lord i dunno....there are 14 men in the tube carriage I'm in and none of them are attractive. Yesterday while out with Seany on the tube we spotted the most beautiful boy, can't have been older than 18...Swedish I think blond blue eyed with a perfect smile. He kept looking and smiling at us. Now Seany and I are both fairly confident we have to be with both our work and personal lives...but we couldn't go and say hi...we just couldn't
All I wanted to do was write my name and number on some paper walk over smile and say "hi I'm Joel, I think your really cute...gimme a call sometime"...while not forgetting to give him my number. But I couldn't my heartbeat doubled and I felt like I was gonna be sick at the thought of it. The funniest thought that went through my head was god I'd hate it if I tried to give me my number...god get some self confidence!
So next time, even though I doubt I will see somone as drop dead gorgeous as him (appart from Seany of course) I will try and view it like abseiling...scary as fuck, I could fall from a grey height onto my face...but I will probably feel elated once I've done it and if it pays off...
Ps. Fuck I've just changed for the bakerloo line and I've just left my brolly on the central grr
On another note, I find a gay racist saying he gets it from his parents ironic...mine are homophobic
Lord i dunno....there are 14 men in the tube carriage I'm in and none of them are attractive. Yesterday while out with Seany on the tube we spotted the most beautiful boy, can't have been older than 18...Swedish I think blond blue eyed with a perfect smile. He kept looking and smiling at us. Now Seany and I are both fairly confident we have to be with both our work and personal lives...but we couldn't go and say hi...we just couldn't
All I wanted to do was write my name and number on some paper walk over smile and say "hi I'm Joel, I think your really cute...gimme a call sometime"...while not forgetting to give him my number. But I couldn't my heartbeat doubled and I felt like I was gonna be sick at the thought of it. The funniest thought that went through my head was god I'd hate it if I tried to give me my number...god get some self confidence!
So next time, even though I doubt I will see somone as drop dead gorgeous as him (appart from Seany of course) I will try and view it like abseiling...scary as fuck, I could fall from a grey height onto my face...but I will probably feel elated once I've done it and if it pays off...
Ps. Fuck I've just changed for the bakerloo line and I've just left my brolly on the central grr
On another note, I find a gay racist saying he gets it from his parents ironic...mine are homophobic
One day late
So after yesterday I have decided to cut my losses. It doesn't seem to be going anywhere, maybe there was the spark and now he's too busy...or maybe not, either way meh
Instead as seems to happen to me more and more lately people who I have spoken to months ago have started to show interest. In true bus style not one but 3 people have shown interest. Two who I had spoken to for some time and one person. All 3 seemed to have had the wrong idea about slavery, one showing particular trepidation.
While I can only hope it works out with all 3 (whaaaat I'm greedy) if nothing else I may be able to help guide them to what they want and release them from some taboos. With each of these I have seen something special, something they could be cultivated
We shall just have to see how good I am
Instead as seems to happen to me more and more lately people who I have spoken to months ago have started to show interest. In true bus style not one but 3 people have shown interest. Two who I had spoken to for some time and one person. All 3 seemed to have had the wrong idea about slavery, one showing particular trepidation.
While I can only hope it works out with all 3 (whaaaat I'm greedy) if nothing else I may be able to help guide them to what they want and release them from some taboos. With each of these I have seen something special, something they could be cultivated
We shall just have to see how good I am
Friday, 10 June 2011
Meh
Because I worked Sunday, I have today off, by some miricle Seany also has today off. Its been nice to have a nice day together, playing games and chatting . We havent had much time together and so its nice to be able to kinda refresh and do the couply things Ive missed.
However I had (before I knew seany was going to be off) arranged to go and see the boy I liked. This is the person who I met and there was that instant spark, and he was saying he felt it too. There was the connection I had been looking for for ages (btw if people dont understand why im seeing another boy while engaged to Seany...look up my posts about poly). Now for the first week of chatting we were texting constnatly all the time. Now, well, there are suddenly fewer txts...a lot fewer...and now im not sure what to do. Anyway we had arranged to meet and i sent a txt yesterday saying...well are we doing anything...if so what..and I got nothing back...3 txts later and a msg on Grindr i get a message saying I dont think we can meet. WONDERFUL.
I think what people who do this dont realise...I may like to make plans, if you cant meet FINE im a big boy I can handle that...JUST TELL ME so I can work out what to do instead.
Unfortunatly this also means that I think I need to give up on this boy, which is a shame as he did tick all the boxes of what I needed, and I him. So now I either need to make a choice as to whether to start again or to bother. I have gone through all the normal things of clubs and most sites...and ive had terrible luck, things like this just keep happening.
So...what do I do?
In the meantime im becoming fairly jaded about the whole thing..being let down that much will do that to you. whenever I meet somone who is cute I will imediatly think...oh they say they like me...but...we all know whats going to happen.
SO im going to try and enjoy my days with Seany, and try and not think about it...but anyone who knows me knows I need this so much that thats not going to work that well...oh well
However I had (before I knew seany was going to be off) arranged to go and see the boy I liked. This is the person who I met and there was that instant spark, and he was saying he felt it too. There was the connection I had been looking for for ages (btw if people dont understand why im seeing another boy while engaged to Seany...look up my posts about poly). Now for the first week of chatting we were texting constnatly all the time. Now, well, there are suddenly fewer txts...a lot fewer...and now im not sure what to do. Anyway we had arranged to meet and i sent a txt yesterday saying...well are we doing anything...if so what..and I got nothing back...3 txts later and a msg on Grindr i get a message saying I dont think we can meet. WONDERFUL.
I think what people who do this dont realise...I may like to make plans, if you cant meet FINE im a big boy I can handle that...JUST TELL ME so I can work out what to do instead.
Unfortunatly this also means that I think I need to give up on this boy, which is a shame as he did tick all the boxes of what I needed, and I him. So now I either need to make a choice as to whether to start again or to bother. I have gone through all the normal things of clubs and most sites...and ive had terrible luck, things like this just keep happening.
So...what do I do?
In the meantime im becoming fairly jaded about the whole thing..being let down that much will do that to you. whenever I meet somone who is cute I will imediatly think...oh they say they like me...but...we all know whats going to happen.
SO im going to try and enjoy my days with Seany, and try and not think about it...but anyone who knows me knows I need this so much that thats not going to work that well...oh well
Thursday, 9 June 2011
Karma is
So karma, the bitch that is, has finally come back to bite old friends.
Several years ago I went to the second nigh of a kink club with my partner at the time. There were a handful of people there with everyone looking bashful and standing in corners (appart from the one old guy in the sling just waiting). We sat down had a drink and tried with little avail to chat to people, and then we got chatting to the owner. He said that he had expected more and he would love a bit of a show...we offered to teach people shibari. He declined but we kept chatting
My situation at the time was I was unemployed, was having major family problems and finally trying to realise who I was.
The Owner (from now on O) asked me to get involved. I arranged to put on a show created an icon for publicity and started marketting. Yes O was involved in so much as he made suggestions. We had many a drunken night where he tried to get inside my head, where he found out what it was I wanted...but I did the grunt work. The next club night (from now on C) was a big success with double the crowd and more conversation and entertainment than before.
I built the club up managed to keep that fine line between advertising and annoyance. I set up business contacts with kink shops and on the night would set up then act as both front of house and entertainment. It was wearing, and a lot of work all while trying to job hunt
By this time my money was getting VERY stretched with me needing to lean in my parents for help...which wasn't a great thing. I wasnt paid by the club, and would have to buy things for shows. I was well known as tge face of C and spent half my life fielding questions from scared noobs and just general stuff. I had split up with my pup and found myself falling for somone O had liked. So I did the honourable thing and asked him if he minded he said no he didn't so off I went. Fell in love yet, and I only found thus out when 2 mutual friends of O got together one who he liked...I saw him spreading rumours behind their backs telling the partners nasty things about their other half.
This man was clever and trying to play ches with peoples lives...and succeding
The nights were huge success' now and we were full almost to capacity, and people were happy. I was still doing front of house, guarding noobs and showing and making sure people were playing safe. We had traveled up to Manchester where it had once again been successful but I had wanted to kill people.
The team of people that we had had become close. However I was diagnosed as being bipolar and my depression spiraled. The boy and I had split and now I was being told I wasn't committed to the club...after all I had done. The next club night I felt far too I'll and told them...and that was it I was effectivly cut off by everyone from the club.
And them the interesting things started happening. All the plans I had arranged O started to try and do, rumours about me. I even had one boy who I had been looking to take on say he had been told by this person that he wasn't my type and I would never take him on...which was exactly what the boy needed to hear for him to run.
Even though I was never paid O had always paid for cute impressionable boys to come down and stay with him, plying them with drink in the vain hope hey would sleep with him.
Later on when I got my reputation back the C team started coming to me. This was especially true after it was seen with him trying to use a young boy to discredit another Dom. O had not only bought alcohol but other treats. He himself had become addicted (I have a copy of an intervention letter pleading him to stop) and had done demos under the influence...something I find scarey. On the one time I went back I saw demos done with rope where circulation in limbs was being cut off due to bad ropework and we had to step in.
There have been many other things this person has done to others making threats that would harm him too and when I get asked should I go there I say no. There isn't the same atmosphere there should be and I'm not confident people stick to rules.
The worrying part for me is that O seems to contact only the young and impressionable and as a Master I worry over what they then think one should be....yes I don't think he is good for others, for noobs or for the community
Luckily tho karma is coming around and things are coming to light...finally
Several years ago I went to the second nigh of a kink club with my partner at the time. There were a handful of people there with everyone looking bashful and standing in corners (appart from the one old guy in the sling just waiting). We sat down had a drink and tried with little avail to chat to people, and then we got chatting to the owner. He said that he had expected more and he would love a bit of a show...we offered to teach people shibari. He declined but we kept chatting
My situation at the time was I was unemployed, was having major family problems and finally trying to realise who I was.
The Owner (from now on O) asked me to get involved. I arranged to put on a show created an icon for publicity and started marketting. Yes O was involved in so much as he made suggestions. We had many a drunken night where he tried to get inside my head, where he found out what it was I wanted...but I did the grunt work. The next club night (from now on C) was a big success with double the crowd and more conversation and entertainment than before.
I built the club up managed to keep that fine line between advertising and annoyance. I set up business contacts with kink shops and on the night would set up then act as both front of house and entertainment. It was wearing, and a lot of work all while trying to job hunt
By this time my money was getting VERY stretched with me needing to lean in my parents for help...which wasn't a great thing. I wasnt paid by the club, and would have to buy things for shows. I was well known as tge face of C and spent half my life fielding questions from scared noobs and just general stuff. I had split up with my pup and found myself falling for somone O had liked. So I did the honourable thing and asked him if he minded he said no he didn't so off I went. Fell in love yet, and I only found thus out when 2 mutual friends of O got together one who he liked...I saw him spreading rumours behind their backs telling the partners nasty things about their other half.
This man was clever and trying to play ches with peoples lives...and succeding
The nights were huge success' now and we were full almost to capacity, and people were happy. I was still doing front of house, guarding noobs and showing and making sure people were playing safe. We had traveled up to Manchester where it had once again been successful but I had wanted to kill people.
The team of people that we had had become close. However I was diagnosed as being bipolar and my depression spiraled. The boy and I had split and now I was being told I wasn't committed to the club...after all I had done. The next club night I felt far too I'll and told them...and that was it I was effectivly cut off by everyone from the club.
And them the interesting things started happening. All the plans I had arranged O started to try and do, rumours about me. I even had one boy who I had been looking to take on say he had been told by this person that he wasn't my type and I would never take him on...which was exactly what the boy needed to hear for him to run.
Even though I was never paid O had always paid for cute impressionable boys to come down and stay with him, plying them with drink in the vain hope hey would sleep with him.
Later on when I got my reputation back the C team started coming to me. This was especially true after it was seen with him trying to use a young boy to discredit another Dom. O had not only bought alcohol but other treats. He himself had become addicted (I have a copy of an intervention letter pleading him to stop) and had done demos under the influence...something I find scarey. On the one time I went back I saw demos done with rope where circulation in limbs was being cut off due to bad ropework and we had to step in.
There have been many other things this person has done to others making threats that would harm him too and when I get asked should I go there I say no. There isn't the same atmosphere there should be and I'm not confident people stick to rules.
The worrying part for me is that O seems to contact only the young and impressionable and as a Master I worry over what they then think one should be....yes I don't think he is good for others, for noobs or for the community
Luckily tho karma is coming around and things are coming to light...finally
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
The next station is...
I love watching people on the tube, and I love nothing more than watching women put on makeup...and let's face it if you decide to do it on the tube you have to expect to be watched... I know I do when I'm slapping on the guyliner.
But it seems to me that the tube is treated as an extension of our own houses, I know that I have and do get ready at home (missing brekkie) and it's like my morning routine will pause, with me in a state of semi-disaray. I will then (as I did this morning even though I was late) get something to eat from the shop and wait till I'm on a train before starting my routine again. Putting on cream if my skin needs it (I have eczema so my skin needs lots of tending too) my under eye stuff that wakes them up and eating. Basically finish my morning routine, exiting the train feeling a little more ready for the world.
It seems that whatever we can get away with doing on the tube we will...which I love as it means I get to (sorry slight interlude - just on the bakerloo platform and holy FUCK it's hot) see inside their lives, just little glipses not much... And as the time honoured saying goes, you show me yours...
But it seems to me that the tube is treated as an extension of our own houses, I know that I have and do get ready at home (missing brekkie) and it's like my morning routine will pause, with me in a state of semi-disaray. I will then (as I did this morning even though I was late) get something to eat from the shop and wait till I'm on a train before starting my routine again. Putting on cream if my skin needs it (I have eczema so my skin needs lots of tending too) my under eye stuff that wakes them up and eating. Basically finish my morning routine, exiting the train feeling a little more ready for the world.
It seems that whatever we can get away with doing on the tube we will...which I love as it means I get to (sorry slight interlude - just on the bakerloo platform and holy FUCK it's hot) see inside their lives, just little glipses not much... And as the time honoured saying goes, you show me yours...
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