Faith is

Faith is the assured expectation of things hoped for, the evident demonstration of realities though not beheld... Or something like that. It used to be a phrase that was touted to me on a regular basis.

I was brought up as a Jehovah's Witness. I was brought up in faith of one God, his son who had given his perfect life for mankind and that a time of reckoning was soon going to be on us.

I had this faith up until I was about 16 when a series of events left me feeling unloved by god and logic dictates that if there is no love between God and his worshipers, then everything else must be a lie too.

Part of the events that lead me to turn my back on Christianity was the awakening of several ESP like abilities. So like anyone I freaked first then thought well if Christianity won't have me, paganism will.

Up until recently I've had a lot of faith in Paganism, not in the fact there are fairies around us or that at some point Ghaia will be making a reappearance. But it was nice to feel connected, to feel rightly or wrongly that you could extend yourself out into the ether and touch something special.

When I was a witness, I had such strong faith. I never planned for old age because everyone knew the apocalypse would be on us soon. At some points I had blind faith and it was blissful.

But now my feelings of faith in paganism seem to have deserted me slightly, it may come back it may not. And while it was never blind faith it was good. The belief that there was something else almost tangible, that you were special, it was like a safety blanket.

There are those that pity those with faith, I don't. Faith and religion have caused huge wars and atrocities and yes can give blinkered viewpoints.. But it also gives millions comfort hope and a tiny boost in their day to day life.

So until something happens to my faith i will remain alone in a sea of apathy

The Bro-Code

If anyone has seen how I met your mother you will know that they CONSTANTLY refer to the Bro-Code. Some mythical book handed down from man to man. This book gives guidelines on how to act and things that you as a friend shouldn't do.

Now I've not seen a copy of this book and if they ever produce one I will be wanting a look at it, but I seem to have a bit of a mental code. I'm writing this down because I'd like I know if it's just me that thinks these rules stand true.

Thou shalt not cock block. If your friend has expressed interest in someone you DO NOT go and beat them to the starting line. Possible exceptions are (very) drunken mistakes, however going out clubbing having an orgy then boasting about it is a violation.

Thou shalt not covet thy friends ex. If your friend breaks up with someone you do NOT go about picking up sloppy seconds. The only possible mitigating factor is if you think you can make a go for it with the newly single ex and have checked with your friend to see if he's ok with you going out with them. If your friend is still in love with his ex, or just says no...you drop it

Enemies and exes of thy friends are my enemy and ex. If you break up with someone, and can't stand to be in the same room with them, or if someone loves to run you down when your name comes up (quite possibly exes will fall in this category) then your friends should avoid these people at all costs. Mitigating factors are if they were friends with both of you before you split up (for instance). In this case both parties should not be invited to the same events, length of friendship being a weighting in the decision.

This is how I treat others, so this is how I expect to be treated.

But what happens if someone has broken the first 3 of the 10 commandments (yeah this train ride isn't long enough to come up with 10). Then what do you do? Seems to be like a breach of trust or honour... Shit something like that...or is that just me?

Sick of being ill

When i was younger, a lot younger. I went through quite a bad patch health wise. I have my mothers blood in me, and she was a fighter. Im much the same and dont give into anything if I can help it. But i would come back from school and I would not be able to move, I was so tired. I would be in so much pain and discomfort that I would spend my weekends infront of the tv wrapped in a quilt. And i felt like such a FAKER. I mean if i tell you how I would feel, and the reasons behind it...id just feel like a looser. Of course it was theorised that due an illness i had in childhood, every now and again my system would collapse under itself
Now, years later, and I feel the same. Unfortunatly due to a colapsed tooth and exposed nerve im in pretty much constant agony. So to combat this I am on codeine and Im 90% sure im adicted to that....cos lets face it going through half a pack a day...not great
My eczema has flared up, and i know that whenever i tell people this they think i have a little rash on my knee. In actual fact it means i have open cuts all over my body and my skin likes to tighten to the point where i cant move without it splitting or tearing. The reason my skin flares up like this is because my imune system decides to fight itself. So that means i have no energy at all, my joints ache and burn, as do my lymph nodes, searing headaches (even through the fucking codeine) and to top it off im having more hot flushes than a GILF

So at the moment im a FUCKING NIGHTMARE to be around, I look shit, i feel shit im snappy as all hell and dreading it because i KNOW its going to get worse....all i want to do is hide in a duvet and not speak to anyone...is that too much to ask?

I write this in the hope that I dont keep needing to explain myself again and again

All too often we see the worst in people. We are trained to from an early age, don't talk to strangers never accept sweets from those you don't know... And NEVER go near that man with his hands down his trousers! Ok I still stick by that last one, but the others? If I never talked to strangers I wouldn't have the amount of stories that arnt repeatable within polite circles, or friends who to be fair I shouldn't take to polite circles.

I read the metro, and after the pages about war, terrorism, pestilence, protests and dodgy shaped veg there is a small section called the good deed feed. It's a tiny little section but is one that will help you belive that humanity is not lost. 

I mention all this because it seems to me that we are to afraid of everyone. If a stranger comes up and talks to us we are either going to be stabbed or be wierded out by the conversation. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just have random conversations with strangers without feeling that we will be judged by the other person as a drugged up psycho (to be fair the last person who uttered something similar to me then wanted to know what socks I used to wear to school and proceeded to stalk me....aaah jimmy the sock... Soo yeah mebbe choose who you speak to carefully

Old post

Life has been full of ups and downs recently. Soooo let's cover the ups first.

I got to see ben for a suprise visit. Seeing his shocked face was sweet and it was lovely to see him again. We didn't do much but it felt like we were a family. And as we sat there in the car watching the surf...I think we were all happy and very content.

We celibrated our one year anniversary, admitadly we were appart for it but it was nice to have a day where we could go  "fuck you" to all those people who thought that poly relationships can't work...1 year on and still goin strong.

Unfortunaly my own hunt for a pet hasn't gone so well... One person I like seems to get I'll everytime we make a date, cocktail boy is away so will be back to square one when he gets back and I can't even pull in a sex club just wearing a latex singlet....which I think is the saddest point. I have also found that every other boy I meet reminds me of where I should be in life....

On the other hand I'm very much in love

A fresh start

I haven't blogged in a while. Not due to any grand decisions but more due to a lack of anything to say. That and the fact I can't type on my iPhone and listen to spotify. 

So after that what have I got to say...errr

I started this blog as a cathartic excercise and one that will hopefully make a few of you laugh. It's a place I can organise my thoughts and arrange my ideas before actually having to do anything about it in the real world. Now there is just one problem with this, chances are if there is something I need to mull over, stratagise or generally think about....the cause is likely to be a reader of my blog -.- a victim of my own success it seems

I seem to have worked out that things haven't been really working for me. I have been living my life through the Internet, as I have done for years...and it's not healthy...so now I'm trying to find hobbies to meet ppl and make friends. Were moving flats soon and this will be a total fresh start for me

An ode to the ex

One of my exes stayed over last night. As always he was quiet around me and unfortunatly thought I was sleighting him.

The funny thing is, I actually think of him mist days and think of him fondly..I'll explain why later.

I don't thi j I have ever thanked him, at least notfor the important things.

I have always been the one to make gestures, to take somone for a meal as a date to just try and show my feelings.

I remember traveling to London, it had snowed and this was the last plane, I was stressed because I had lost my wallet and had no cash. The VERY nice man on the Gateick Express had let me get on without charging me and I had gotten to Victoria. In the mean time I had found out that this X was waiting for me. From victoria I had dragged my case through 6 inches of snow to the London Eye...which wasn't fun. And there he was, one of the most beautiful sites I have seen.

Picture this it's winter the southbank is covered in a perfect blanket of snow, with only 2 sets of tracks marinh it's surface. Everywhere is deserted, Christmas lights are still up. And there under the eye, he's waiting. He has long streaked hair and a beard (only person with a beard I have found attractive) and the snow is catching in his hair. He's dressed up, waistcoat long jacket doc martins, and has that goofy smile. He's holding a single red rose.

Ok so flowers not my thing but that must have been one of the most romantic things I have ever had done for me.

The reason I think of him most days is because of a poster outside the coffee room at work. It's a signed poster from a certain production of Othello...which was the first propper date I went on...oh and it was fun

So while he may think I look back with terror in actual fact I wish I had thanked him for caring so much and making my move to London that little less scarey